 | Not SIster Mary Francis |
When my picks for Weeks 1 through 4 went horribly, horribly awry (that Tampa Bay Super Bowl picks looking pretty shabby right now), I decided I had to turn to a higher power for gambling help. So I headed down the street to the Sisters of Perpetual Indifference to visit Sister Mary Francis, my old grade school teacher. She had used point spreads back in third grade to teach us fractions, and the juice to teach us division. It wasnt until I was in high school that I realized she was running a small gambling ring. Since she refuses to take action from her former students, I figured shed be a good person to go to for help, what with her direct line to The Big Bookie in the Sky. In the spirit of Christian charity, Ill share with you the dirt she gave me.
Tennessee at Indianapolis (-18.5)
What have we done to deserve this? scream Titans fans. Ill tell you what. God had a deal with Jeff Fisher: hed let him win the Super Bowl if he shaved that darn stache. Fisher begged for time, right up until before the Super Bowl against the Rams. Then he reneged. Bad Jeff Fisher, very very bad.
The Sister's Says: Take Indy to cover, and study the Stations of the Cross.
Cleveland at Carolina (-8)
Many have said it, but God wanted to correct a misconception going around: not even He knew what Charlie Frye was thinking when he chucked the ball back across his body into the end zone for the INT last week.
The Sister Says: Drop a nickel on the Browns getting eight, and pray for Kellen Winslow's knee.
Miami at New England (-10)
Daunte was never thankful enough for being blessed with a receiver like Randy Moss, which is why he has been punished.
The Sister's Pick: Tom Brady is a good Christian, and the Pats will cover.
Buffalo at Chicago (-10)
Rex Grossman was tested. He had to face the Florida pro QB history. His ACL was popped. His ankle was broken. Yet he never denounced God. As such, his reward has come.
The Sister's Pick: The Bears, led by the Job-like Grossman, will cover the spread.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-6.5)
Chris Simms prayed, Dear God, let me show them that I am tough, that I am not a wuss who has been given everything he has simply because of who my father is. Sometimes, Chris, you and your spleen have to be careful what you ask for.
The Sister's Pick: Although the team has a blasphemous name, God is merciful and will allow the Saints to cover.
St. Louis (-3) at Green Bay
Brett Favre was blessed with skill, guts, and a public worshipper in the person of John Madden. He was granted a Super Bowl victory, and the adoration of millions. Then he was given a sign that the time had come to step aside gracefully. He has chosen to ignore that sign. God will smite him.
The Sister's Pick: Take the Rams getting three, and pray the Rosary three times.
 | Bad man |
Washington at NY Giants (-4)
Dan Snyder, when you worship the Golden Calf of over-priced free agents, at the expense of the Godly virtues of consistency and team building, your wages shall be mediocrity.
The Sister's Pick: Throw a dime on the Giants getting four. This is your Holy Upset of the Week.
Detroit at Minnesota (-6.5)
Why does God so hate the Lions as to sentence them to Matt Millen, and to harden the heart of the Ford family to not see his abject failure? Hes not telling.
The Sister's Pick: Harden your hearts to the plight of the Lions, and put your money on the Vikings to cover. Don't forget to pay the tithing on your winnings.
Oakland at San Francisco (-3.5)
Suffice to say, there is a special section in the warm place reserved for big-mouthed wide receivers. And it is being expanded as we speak.
The Sister's Pick: I don't like the spread on this one, so take the money line on the 49ers to win. Or you could tease this one up a point by parlaying it with Chiefs Giants game.
NY Jets at Jacksonville (-7)
Anyone who doesnt think God has a sense of humor should hear him chuckle when he looks at the standings and sees the Jets and Bills above the Dolphins in the AFC East.
The Sister's Pick: Take the Jets and the points, and don't forget to confess your sins to the Lord.
 | You reap what you sow, Terrell |
Kansas City (-3.5) at Arizona
Did anyone SEE what these two teams did last week?
The Sister's Pick: If you have to bet this one, take KC, but if you can avoid it, do.
Dallas at Philadelphia (-2)
People often ask, what does God think of T.O.? The fact that he has hired Drew Rosenhaus and Kim Etheredge tells you all you need to know.
The Sister's Pick: A penitent man kneels before God, and takes the Eagles to cover.
Pittsburgh at San Diego (-3)
Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. --Proverbs 16:18 Remember, Mr. Roethlisberger, even Super Bowl Champion quarterbacks are mortal.
The Sister's Pick: Drop a nickel on the Chargers giving three at home.
 |
