The National Basketball Association preseason is an interesting beast. Replace the word interesting with mind-numbingly tedious and basically devoid of fun, and the previous sentence is magically transformed from a lie into a truth.
On Friday October 13th, I found myself in Omaha, Nebraska at one such preseason fixture, pitting the Minnesota Timberwolves against the Detroit Pistons. I have no idea why the game was in Omaha (my guess is that the Wolves are trying to tap into the market of corn-fed white people), but I was there because I was promised whores and coke and whores who whored for coke.
No, the real reason is that my brother Paul plays for the Timberwolves, and sometimes I agree to attend events before I think about what will actually occur at said event.
Heres how it went down:
1st Quarter: 7:05 to 7:45 CST
Firmly planted in our seats in the 4th row (which turned out to be a curse in disguiseI couldnt not pay attention to the game), my mother, brother Tom and I watch as the two teams go back and forth in an evenly-matched quarter that draws to a close tied at 29. And no one cares.
Tom and I try to gain Pauls attention during timeouts so that we can flip him off. Success rate: 20%.
I am thoroughly embarrassed as a gaggle of black junior high kids that are sitting behind me and my mother drop numerous mufuckers as they attempt to make fun of each other in poorly drawn out and executed jokes. This crew doesnt actually have seats down here, they just jump from vacancy to vacancy, like Kramer during his seat-filler job at the Tonys (episode #156)undaunted even after the 13th time of seat-dislocation.
2nd Quarter: 7:45 to 8:35 CST
Still in good spirits, Tom and I root for our new favorite player, Marko Jaric, to remove that pesky warm-up and work up some ballsweat on the court. In the meantime, we amuse ourselves by adapting Borats trailer quote Please, you come see my film. If it not success, I will be execute to Markos position (Please, you let me in game. If I not shoot hoop, I will be execute). Jaric isnt from Kazakhstan, but close enough.
Close enough
To our glee, Marko checks in halfway through the 2nd quarter, only to receive a face full of Flip Murrays testicles during his posterization. If this were an And1 game, all of the black guys would strip poor Marko of his jersey and shorts and throw them into the stands and he would be relegated to standing on the sidelines holding an I love Flip poster in his Serbian and Montenegran-fabricated underpants. At this point I dont think Mr. Jaric would mind, as it looks, as if he just got up from a nap anyway (I think he always looks that way).
Halftime: 8:35 to 9:00 CST
Some asshole just proposed to his girlfriend at halftime of the Minnesota v. Detroit preseason game in Omaha, Nebraska. He is saying, Honey, I am really stupid but I am hoping that you are even stupider and dont realize how much of a half-assed proposition this is. This marriage has success written all over it.
3rd Quarter: 9:00 to 9:25 CST
I could have performed a congenital diaphragmatic hernia repair during halftime. Detroit has come back and pulled slightly ahead. And still no one cares.
The 3rd quarter is the worst. Tom and I try to figure out who we know in Omaha that can hook us up with a hatchet. We need one ASAP so that we can take the butt end to the cervical column (her spine, not her lady parts) of the drunken woman in front of us. She keeps dancing. I think a broken spine might solve that.
I am pretty sure that Paul and I are doing the same thingtrying to gain eye contact with the hot photographer girl on the right baseline. I think he has a better shot at her, him being a professional basketball player and all.
4th Quarter: 9:25 to 10:10 CST
The game is close and yet the crowd is slumbering because again, nobody gives a shit. They do come alive when the PA announcer tells them to or a when a big sign on the scoreboard reads LOUD! These dumbshits think to themselves, Get loud? What a great idea! I will get loud because they tell me too! These are the same people that laugh uncontrollable when the Timberwolves mascot comes running out and fucks with the security guardits like they have never seen anything truly funny in their entire lives.
A hatchet
The game ends unceremoniously. Detroit wins 101-96.
Overtime (not really)
I am pretty sure that the ride up from Kansas City to Omaha was more interesting than the game, and that consisted of pavement and cornfields. The game was a lot like a 3-hour class, except the retards around me actually had permission to speak and I didnt have a notebook on which I could doodle dinosaurs and spaceships. The good news is that at least I am not the Creighton basketball team, who got to sit through that shitshow known as a basketball competition AND get to have their first practice of the year starting at 11:30 on a Friday night. Kill yourselves.
Nice Posted: 11/11/2006by: Balls I like the NBA but that was still pretty fucking funny casinoenligne-1513239 Posted: 10/27/2006by: casinoenligne-1513239 casinoenlignegetsridofthereactivemind.It?stheonlythingthatdoes.casinoenligne Oops, Paul Shirley just got cut Posted: 10/24/2006by: I'mRickJamesBitch so never mind. glad i went back Posted: 10/24/2006by: deuce and read the article. nice to know someone else shares my feeling towards the nba. and maybe basketball in general. definitely loved the part about flipping your brother off during the game.... good shit.
nice job. Right On Posted: 10/24/2006by: Burt Thaxton Don't you fucking hate the dancing, lights, noise, and distractionary shit at NBA games? Its a fucking insult to anyone intelligent, even die hard fans like me. I refuse to attend a fucking game - unless its free.
Way to express this in hilarious fashion. Hope your bro makes the roster this year so he can make bank and blog his ass off. The talent runs in the family.
the NBA needs to cut the # of games down to 60 - making for less meaningless games. Then they need to sign players who actually play hard, every night. In any given year, there are only about 10 teams who try night in and night out.
Of course, it'll never happen. Could you ask your brother if dudes actually try hard, every day. I'm serious. To what degree to these dudes try? Has Paul addressed this in a prior blog?
Burt fucking Thaxton The Pictures Are Here! Posted: 10/24/2006by: Tom A First Pic Caption:
"You got 'nexts' ?"
Last Pic Caption:
This is the one God used for Tara Reid's. miami Posted: 10/24/2006by: dub Your brother's road journal from last year was interesting, with some unexpected social insight. For example, when a few of his teammates at the time and Steve Nash were walking on the beach in Miami and Nash was being crowded for photos and autographs, a girl comes up to your bro and asks him if Nash was someone famous.... he later postulates that in Miami, fame is not just measured by one's own recognition of someone, but by 'other people' recognizing someone.
Should someone like Nash be famous for everyone, or just those who know him and appreciate his game? My homepage Posted: 10/23/2006by: Angie Good design! My homepage | Please visit My homepage Posted: 10/23/2006by: Rhonda Nice site! My homepage | Please visit I Need a Hatchet, too Posted: 10/23/2006by: You'reAPompousFag -Your articles- are so "mind-numbingly tedious and basically devoid of fun", you f-ing jackass. kill yourself.
