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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Are you fucking retarded, lady? Because if so, I'll give you a pass. But anything short of Downs would officially make you the worst Plinko player in the history of "The Price Is Right"! And this show has been on since World War One. Bob Barker started it in 1917 as a patriotic service to keep war brides distracted from the bloodshed raging on the Western Front. TPIR has been rolling ever since.
And in all of that time, never has there been a Plinko contestant who has rivaled you in sheer impotence and stupidity.
Just look at yourself. You have one Plinko chip. One goddamned chip to play with. And that's the free disk that Mr. Barker, in his unfailingly magnanimous nature, saw fit to GIVE you, despite the fact that you guessed NONE of the prices correctly on any of the four common, everyday grocery items that were presented before you.
Speaking of which, I have a question for you, dumb whore; a nagging little query that I couldn't help but reflect upon throughout your truly atrocious Plinko performance thus far: Have you ever actually entered a grocery store in your entire life? And are you familiar with the commerce system that has long been established here in the United States, in which goods are exchanged for monetary compensation? If so, are you aware that the amount of money exchanged for said items- the "price" if you will- remains fairly consistent throughout the country at any given time?
I am forced to assume that you are not. What other reason could there possibly be for you to guess that a twenty-two ounce bottle of Selsun Blue Shampoo would cost $11.99 rather than $5.99?
Have you never purchased a bottle of shampoo? Do you go through life with unclean hair? Or do you make your own shampoo at home with spices and herbs from your garden? What other possible excuse could you have for thinking that a bottle of fucking Selsun Blue Shampoo costs twelve fucking dollars!?
Imbecile!
Onward to Failure!
And are you honestly going to tell me that you are of the belief that you can get a box of Quaker Oats Instant Oatmeal for $1.99 rather than $3.99? It was a variety pack of four different flavors, bitch! Eight individual pouches! What kind of fucking dream world are you living in where you can get a quality oatmeal product like that for two bucks? Because I want to start fucking shopping there!
So now there you stand, atop the historic Plinko board, looking over the precipice of morning game show destiny, clinging to your one, sad, unearned Plinko chip. And you're debating where to drop it. Right now you have it poised directly above the $10,000 spot, as if the fucking thing is going to drop straight down.
Now even if you have never seen this game before, surely you must have at least a loose grasp of general physics and the concept of gravity. Do you not think it might hit a couple of those spokes on the way down? Don't you think that might disrupt the trajectory of the chip a bit, you cretin?
Jesus!
As if I didn't have a hard enough time watching the "Cliff Hanger" game today. That stupid Marine couldn't price his way out of a paper bag. And it was with great pleasure that I watched the yodeling mountain climber plummet off the cliff, robbing "Private Retard" of that handsome home entertainment package that included a Lazy Boy Recliner, a Panasonic Plasma Screen TV and a Jolly Time Old Fashioned Popcorn Machine, "Jolly Time, Something Good Is Popping Up."
And now I'm subjected to this wretched Plinko display. And do you know what the worst part is? Regardless of your miserable showing, you still get to spin the Prize Wheel. Simply because you won your way on stage by bidding one dollar on that ProForm Treadmill. And you only bid that because the audience screamed it at you incessantly. You probably didn't even know what you were saying. You were just repeating a sound you heard like some witless Mynah bird.
And because the Prize Wheel involves no skill or intelligence whatsoever, you might even end up in the Showcase Showdown. Of course, that's assuming that you can grasp that you are supposed to spin the wheel, and you don't try to eat it or bang your head on it: two scenarios that I consider alarmingly possible. Rod Roddy would roll over in his rhinestone-encrusted casket.
It would almost be worth it to see you get to the Showdown though. The result could be highly entertaining. Seeing as how you were baffled when forced to decide whether a box of Crispix Cereal was $4.99 or $8.99, it would be sadistically fun to watch your mind reel as you tried to tally the cumulative worth of a set of golf clubs, a trip to Portugal and a dune buggy. You'd probably get really confused and end up bidding "Hot Dog", or something equally inane and amusing.
You Shame Him
So you've finally decided to drop your lone Plinko Chip, at Bob Barker's kind but firm insistence. You watch painfully as it ricochets around briefly and then lands in the "Zero Dollar" slot.
Bob feigns compassion, but we all know he was rooting against you too. The morons that he has endured during his impressive tenor on this show must eventually wear on his patience. I'm sure he would agree with me when I implore you to do society as a whole a service by ensuring that you never reproduce. Have yourself spayed or neutered.
Oh, god. *laughs* I think I want to marry you. That is, hands down, the funniest thing I've ever read. My stomach hurts from laughing so much (there were a couple of snorts in there, too). Great stuff. Cheers.
Ben
mmmm....
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Post #: 62
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Posted: 7/17/2006 11:32:34 AM
dude....its well written, but you can't write virtually the SAME attacks on Bob Barker that you can about the "paris hilton's" of the world...(aka "get this fucking sweater off of me"). it was a valid and well scripted piece, but just seemed like the same EXACT package as the doggy piece...which is why it's so popular...but come on...there's so much more TPIR material to ridicule...so much so so so so much more....retarded matching t shirts? you could make fun of Bob Barker for years without running out of funniness. thats just two examples because i'm way too lazy to write more. come on funny man, we know you are funny...so make me LAUGH....not just chuckle.
ben (not the dumb one)
reading comprehension
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Post #: 63
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Posted: 7/18/2006 9:33:07 PM
mike polk != justin wood
when comparing an author to his previous works you need to be careful of a few things. one such thing is making sure that you are not comparing the author to someone else entirely because then you look like a huge retard. a good tip for avoiding this is actually reading who the author is when reading their work, it works well for other things like buying ice cream (example:"wow, this ice cream is good...breyer's cherry cream, who would have thought?"). another potential pitfall is mistaking a previous work for something that has actually happened after the fact. reading time stamps on articles and having an idea about the system we use to lineate reality called time helps avoid that embarassing gaffe.
just sayin'
comedywriter
I've Read Better Shit On A piece of Toilet Paper
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Post #: 64
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Posted: 8/20/2006 2:18:53 PM
Come on guy. You have to be kidding me.
A fucking Plinko chip!
Wow, you must have a lot of time on your hand's or severe writer's block because that just plain sucked as far as a story goes.
The only humor I see is in the site allowing this drivel to be posted.
Bill
hey comedy writer
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Post #: 65
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Posted: 8/31/2006 11:00:30 PM
I hope you've enjoyed your visit here to Earth, I'm very sorry that our top rated comedy etchings don't satisfy your other-wordly standards. I know I speak for all mankind when I ask thee to WRITE SOMETHING FUNNIER YOU SOUR-GRAPE EATING PRICK. Sorry, we Earthlings are sometimes ruled by our emotions, like our hatred for faux intellectuals who disdain all except that which is not known to the masses, as once word spreads from the MorDor (if you even think about correcting me on the spelling of a ficticious realm KILL YOURSELF in the hopes that your reincarnated form will get laid) chatroom it can't be cool if more than three knobs in a basement know about it. This was and is funny. Newsflash, you are in no way superioir to the thousands and thousands of people who decided this shit was absolutely hilarious. The fact that you didn't find this funny is not the reslut of an elevated status on this globe. Hopefully, that inflated sense of uniqueness and self worth is the result of a kick ass brain tumor. Happy unavoidable twitching, you cock.
PS This reasoning is the same reason I love Budweiser heavies. It was good enough for the guys who built tanks and trucks and cut metal with fire, that's why it's still the best tasting beer out there (and when buying it you can call the Sierra nevada guys fags.)
ricccc
One of your facts is incorrect
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Post #: 66
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Posted: 9/1/2006 1:51:22 AM
The release point with the greatest chance of landing in the $10,000 slot is directly above it. The probability distribution of the landing spots for plinko chips dropped through the maze is a bell curve that has its apex at the point below the release point. The spokes create a 50/50 chance that the chip will go right or left. If you chart a probability distribution, you will see that the chips will land mostly in the middle.
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