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I fucking hate you.
I mean it, I feel ridiculous. Get it off.
Lady, just because your boyfriend doesn’t want to settle down, doesn’t mean you should pretend that I’m a real baby in hopes that he’ll play along in your twisted game of “house”. I promise you’re scaring him off, and it makes you look insane. Think about it, you dress me like a Gap employee and tote me around like a damned fashion accessory. It’s disgusting, and you need to get your shit straight. Meantime, you can stop force-feeding me Altoids, you bitch.
While I’m on the record, there are some other things I could do without, you psycho. Yeah, as it turns out, I don’t really care for the ylang-ylang oil massage. It’s not relaxing, it actually hurts and generally creeps me out. In fact, it’s damn close to rape.
Oh, this just in, I’m not actually a fucking vegetarian. Do you honestly think that I prefer couscous and tofu over my lamb and beef nuggets?Lettuce wraps? Are you fucking serious… what is your damage? I would rather eat my own shit, and guess what, when you’re asleep, I do. Then I lick your whore face and laugh about it.
Don’t even get me started on my name. Louis Vuitton? You superficial bitch. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? I’m already wearing the gayest sweater since the "Cosby Show", but you insist on naming me after an expensive line of European handbags. Seriously, fuck you. You make me look like a complete pussy and I hate you for it. For real, the next time you try to gel my hair, I will tear a hole in your windpipe. I swear to God I will.
Not that you’d ever fucking notice, but you continue to place me in dangerous situations. Just yesterday at the dog park, I could feel the cold hard stare from a Doberman through my Kenneth Cole double-breasted pea coat. Shit, even the French poodle called me a fag, and he was wearing a beret.
Do you have any idea what would happen to a dog like me at the pound? You don’t even WANT to know. I step in there with even a whiff of CK One on me, and it’s all over.
It pisses me off that you don’t pull this shit on the cat (Although it’s probably because she’s a lesbo). I am really tired of the smug looks I get from that butch-ass feline. Just once I’d like to see you put an ascot around her neck and let her feel what this shit is like. Then she’ll realize it’s not funny, and I’m in real pain here. At the very least you could throw a flannel shirt on that dyike and even it up here, you owe it to me. I promise I will end all nine of her lives if I ever get a chance to chase her without these miniature Steve Madden patent leather urban utility boots strapped on my paws. Not that I’d get far; even without the shoes I still have to battle these Italian micro suede chinos.
Listen lady, I’m at the end of my rope and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (Yes, there’s a lot of time for that while you watch E!, thumb through your copy of People magazine, stopping occasionally to read the text message on your jewel-encrusted Sidekick). I have decided that I’m running away. I’m going to take my chances on the outside. Tomorrow morning, during doggy yoga, I am fucking gone, baby – and there is nothing you can do to stop me.
The last thing you’ll see is my puckered little asshole as I’m out the door, but not before I leave a hot, soft and juicy turd pile right on my miniature doggy yoga mat – and I’ve got a half a pound of espresso beans and 3 bran muffins for breakfast to make sure it’s a good one.
I guess I haven't studied my Paris Hilton enough to find this funny.
MKF
holy shit
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Post #: 33
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Posted: 12/1/2005 5:10:55 PM
this was the funniest article i have read from TPP in months, nice one
Clancey
Brilliant
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Post #: 34
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Posted: 12/2/2005 3:57:56 PM
Absolutely Brilliant.
Adrien
He needs his own column!
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Post #: 35
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Posted: 12/5/2005 4:38:34 PM
This dog has got star quality. He should get his own weekly column commentating on pop culture. Hook it up!
KT
WOW
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Post #: 36
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Posted: 12/6/2005 1:28:43 AM
I'm crying. That was hilarious.
jonrogers
own two dogs
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Post #: 37
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Posted: 12/6/2005 5:09:06 AM
It's 4 a.m. and I just woke up my roommates and my two dogs reading this. Funniest article I have ever seen here.
Heather
Great!!
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Post #: 38
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Posted: 12/7/2005 12:12:44 AM
Will you please write a column in here commenting on pop culture every week?! It is so great to read truthful, funny and politically incorrect articles this day and age when everyone is so uptight!
Kimmie
Oh my gosh!
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Post #: 39
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Posted: 12/7/2005 3:27:13 PM
This is the funniest article that I have ever read. I am over here crying laughing. The sad thing is that I have a friend that hated his girlfriends dog and this is exactly what her dog would say to her. The poor chick is mental and when she read this she was pissed. She's probably cutting her wrist now. All she has left is that silly dog and to think her dog is cussing her over everytime she puts clothes on him.
AE Rocks
O' shit
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Post #: 40
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Posted: 12/9/2005 3:57:46 PM
OMG i read this class and got kicked out.... that is the funniest thing i have ever seen.... my girl friend is that dogs owner, seriuolsy, she dresses "guche" up in cloths..... and has her wear jewlery.... i mean diamond encrusted jewlery.... they really do doggie yoga and the massage.... u can tell the dog hates her... guche is a pug at that... a fat pug.... my cat is butch he is a persan named lester.... but omg i cant beleave this... and after she reads it she is proboly going to break up with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
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