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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
Party Fuel
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
i used to rock the fuck outta those shirts until dumbshits ruined them for me. there used to be some varience when u would go out drinking.................but nooooooooooooo bitches gotta wear the same shit and go to the same hair stylist. fucking queers. whatever happened to the hawain shirt?
Dennis Smith
Desist
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Post #: 32
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Posted: 3/17/2005
As the model represented in the picture I must inform you that you are violating copywrite laws. This is an unfair infringement on my rights.
And, I would like the group to know that its just a day job. I wear leather pants and no shirt when I go out.
hottie
me
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Post #: 33
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Posted: 3/17/2005
fuck guys with striped shirts. i'm going with a solids guy this weekend...
Dave
One Handed Dancer
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Post #: 34
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Posted: 3/17/2005
No I'm the model in this picture and when I got home, I didn't go for the blade, I did the one handed dance and then passed out! PS. The shirt you see in the picture was a sample from the JC Penny shoot I did last week. ;)
buzwardo
frightening
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Post #: 35
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Posted: 3/17/2005
This would be funny if it weren't so true. Next time, please apply a bit more pressure to that straight razor.
dr love
yes
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Post #: 36
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Posted: 3/17/2005
yes this is a foul disease crossing all nationalities and creeds look whities: try to grub it up in these fascist times, everybody's looking way to BOILED and BUFFED maybe you SHOULD smoke heroin, you could USE the texture it provides -look to jarvis cocker, steve mcqueen, somebody ELSE besides banazi republikkk as role models get out of your slump you spoiled day trading gyro eating cooze there's a better tomorrow for us all
streetmeat
...
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Post #: 37
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Posted: 3/17/2005
...will we crane our neck far, far down and to the left - straining to suck the gyromeat grease from our striped shirt's pocket when it dribbles from the end of the foil paper cone...and lose our sunglasses in the process?...
youareidiots
you guys need to get a life
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Post #: 38
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Posted: 3/17/2005
Seriously, you all need to get a life. You're making fun of a guy who is more successful and has more fun that all of you. Why don't you get off your asses, get a better job, and enjoy life; instead you're sitting with your laptop making fun of the guy you want to be. Think twice.
Sojourner Truth
I speaks da truth
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Post #: 39
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Posted: 3/17/2005
If chicks didnt dig the Banana Republicans, the BR's would adapt. Root problem - chicks dig money, guys dig chicks, guys need to signal they have money. Replace "money" with "rebelliousness", "popularity" and "ability to pee without wincing" and you have explained all of human behavior throughout the (post-pubescent) life cycle.
Funny thing - as lame as the 22-32 year old male financier lifestyle is, the chicks they date are worse off - replace golden tee with obsession over these same 'tards, and striped shirt with the black tight shirt, jeans and heels ensemble. Mad River on 72 and 3rd in manhattan... it was like star trek with the various uniforms for different functions and genders.
charlie wang
hats
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Post #: 40
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Posted: 3/17/2005
Too bad I'm wearing a striped shirt. Oh well, at least I don't own a white hat.
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