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THE WORLD
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MEET THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS

by: MATT SHIRLEY

This is not what flight attendants look like
I jumped on the World Wide Web the other day to check the ol’ warmmail inbox and happened upon a linked article called “Meet the Woman of Your Dreams.” Since I am always up for meeting dream-women and because I only get my dating advice from MSN Dating and Personals, I followed the link to certain love utopia. What I found was a list of seven types of women characterized by their occupations that make up “dream dates” according to some dude named Dan Bova. This is where the article stops making sense.

Dream Date #1: Flight Attendant

Seriously. A stewardess is number 1 on Dan’s list of dream dates. I (and presumably you) don’t get it. Why in the hell would a sane man fantasize about dating a flight attendant? Unless of course, this man had a things for older ladies named Gertrude or Helen who wear their hair in buns and who are King Kong biotches (yes I did say biotches, it doesn’t sound right with 2 syllables), but this in itself contradicts the previous statement about said man being uncrazy. The only good thing about dating a stewardess would be getting as many free pretzels and warm Mountain Dews as you can handle and the fact that you would never actually see her. Dream Date #1: Cranky, Disheveled, Old Bitch—sign me up.

Dream Date #2: Massage Therapist

In comparison to Dream Date #1, this one seems to make a big pile of sense. You arrive home from a hard day’s work and call up your new girlfriend so she can help with a lumbar rearrangement followed by a little rub and tug with a happy ending. But when you get to thinking about it, that would never happen. This is basically the same as asking the zookeeper you are dating to come over and shovel your feces off the bedroom floor—she does not want to take her work home with her. Besides, I don’t think you even need a GED to be a masseuse. Dream Date #2: Really Stupid Girl That Will Never Give You a Massage—yes please.

Dream Date #3: Bartender

Some non-sarcastic kudos to Mr. Bova on this one—bartender is the only occupation that I would include on my list of dream dates. Yes, if she is a beer-wench then she probably has a learning disability, but can you say discounted Irish Carbombs?

Dream Date #4: Model

Look at those jumbo nipples
Dream Date #4: Coked-Out Archetype That Tastes Like Vomit and Thinks She Is Way Too Hot for Me but Only Models for the Sears Catalogue—yippee.

Dream Date #5: Chef

Your chef girlfriend will probably enjoy cooking for you, but do you know for whom she will enjoy cooking even more? Herself. Dream Date #4: Permanently Bloated Cook That Will NEVER Lose Her Love for Food (and thus will retain her giant ass)—lovely.

Dream Date # 6: The Boss

Every girlfriend that I have ever had wanted to boss me around, why in the fuck would I want one that has a lust for domination and license to do so? No thanks.

Dream Date #7: Sex Writer

Wife beaters: apropos for any occasion
I must confess, I don’t even know what a sex writer is. Are those the people who write those pink novels that sport those dudes with oversized nipples on the front? If I am right, I don’t know a man on earth that reads that shit, so I am sure a conversation with a woman who writes that garbage would be a real treat. And if I am wrong, I guess a “sex writer” is another word for a “slut”. Everyone knows that writers are just a group of people who are too ugly and anti-social to be on television anyway.


Here is my list of dream dates in particular order.

#5: Amusement Park Operator. She can sneak me into Cedar Point or Worlds of Fun whenever I want and knows the best place to get the cheapest Sour Patch Kids.
#4: Bartender. See above plus the fact that the only time that I see her out is when she is working and is not actually able to speak to me.
#3: One of Those Hot Mexican Girls that Work at Chipotle. I love burritos.
#2: Doctor. Do you have any idea how much she will be able to save me on health insurance?
#1: President of the WBCA. The president of the Wife-Beater Club of America would be a good catch. I would probably have sex with that chick from Murder She Wrote if she was wearing a wife-beater.

What is your list of dream dates (females please participate as well—I need to figure out what profession to transfer to)?
From the BEST daily humor magazine on the web:
www.thephatphree.com
Read this article online at: www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3137&SectionID=11