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They'll Also Know you are Gullible as Hell
I’m going to buy my girlfriend diamonds for Christmas. Not because I can afford them, or because she even asked me for them, but because I should. You see I am a man and I should want to make this a Christmas to remember by buying her diamonds this year. This year I’m going to celebrate her, with diamonds! I’m going to tell her I’d marry her all over again by buying her diamonds for Christmas. For a moment that will live forever, it’s going to be diamonds this year. I’m buying fucking diamonds this goddamn year and no one is going to tell me otherwise.
That’s what everyone woman wants for Christmas, right? A big box of diamonds, right? I might be a complete dirt bag and cheat on her, or maybe she will cheat on me. Or maybe I’ll just suddenly snap and stab her as she sleeps one night because she ate the last of the Rice Crispies. But who cares about any of that. I'm buying her diamonds for Christmas this year.
I will buy her a ring, a necklace, a set of earrings, a pendant bracelet, a tennis braclet, and big block of gold bullion (Just for good measure). I will also drink a vat of industrial diamonds so I can shit diamonds. I know that my shit will be extra special this year because of Diamonds. I’m going to make it a crap to remember this year with Diamonds. I’m going to tell her I’d take shit all over again with Diamonds this year. I’m going to celebrate her this year by taking a diamond dump on her tits. Yeah Diamonds!
I know that she could use some winter clothing because it’s getting cold and she doesn’t have a lot of warm clothing, or money for that matter. But seriously, I’m just going to get her a big fucking diamond ring. Our love will keep us warm. And since I’m probably going to be in over my head in debt, our love will have to keep us plenty warm as we will be living out of my Corolla on Third Avenue. Good thing our love will feed us too. I’d hate to have to suck dick for food again. I won’t have to though. Not with all these diamonds I’m going to be fucking buying.
We’ll be the most romantic Silhouettes Ever
I know exactly how the moment I give her these diamonds will pass. I will slowly walk with her in our very romantic small town city square and give her a blue velvet box with the diamonds in it as shoppers walk by. It doesn’t matter that she lives in Gary, Indiana. They have a romantic square there, I’m sure of it. In this virtual winter wonderland the shoppers do not know that I have diamonds to give my girlfriend just then and, oh joy! What a special moment that life will offer up (Hopefully they won’t rob us).
She will say something like “Did you have a good Christmas?” and then I will say something like “There was one more present you forgot to open, hon” and, as I open the box she will say “Tom? Wha?” (I’ll have to change my name to Tom but it matters not). She will recoil almost as if she is afraid of what’s in the box. But she will be smiling too. “Oh my God!” She will gasp almost like that one time she caught me masturbating in church.
She will wrap her arms around me and profess her undying love for me. Life will blur by and time will stop for us both as we celebrate our love for one another. Then it will start softly to snow and I will sweep her up into my arms and spin her around whirling past all the twinkling Christmas lights adorned on the square. Then a bunch of fucking birds will fly away all romantic like.
Wow! She looks so Happy!
Wow! Diamonds are fucking great! I think that we will live forever surviving on our love alone because of these diamonds. Fucking A Diamonds! Fucking A!! We’re gonna live for fucking ever!!! God Damn it! I love you Diamonds!
I also hope my girlfriend got me a drill, some kind of tape measure, or some other piece of valuable hardware that I have absolutly no use for. I'm a man so if she is smart she knows that's what I need this year. Some piece of hardware that I can walk around the house with and fix things with. Like I take that drill and hammer a bunch of hinges with it or something hardware like that.
Maybe if her diamonds break I can fix them with my manly drill/sander combination device?
that image was quite funny. the idea of the story is funny, too, but this wasn't all that laugh-inducing. Solid, though. It reminds me of the time I got my girl some nice earrings from Swarovski. They have diamond-looking shit. I thought she'd love them and wear them all the time, but I've never seen her wear that shit, ever. Good thing I didn't pay for fucking diamonds.
xtc
at last
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Posted: 12/14/2005 10:23:23 AM
somebody else that masturbates in church. I thought I was alone, but NO. It may never be the same.
matt
Well. . .
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Posted: 12/14/2005 11:42:56 AM
Not bad, the rhythm was little jumpy I did like the living out of the Corolla line. Reminds me of that Family Guy wherte they go through the whole commercial and at the end you see the shadow drop to er knees and ends "Diamonds: she'll pretty much have to." Though I think $2000 dollar bj better be damn good.
Atlas
Wow
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Posted: 12/14/2005 12:54:41 PM
Maybe it is because I pay a little more attention to advertising than most, but I thought this is one of the best articles I have read in while. Great job Fath.
matt
I do like
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Posted: 12/14/2005 1:24:06 PM
how all these diamond commercial have a beautiful european brunette though. I guess I f I had a woman like that I may invest some diamonds in her. Hmmm. . . no no wait I am cheap selfish bastard that money would be better spent on myself.
Lance Uppercut
Take it from someone who knows
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Posted: 12/14/2005 1:42:06 PM
DO NOT eat diamonds. They hurt a little bit going down, but brother on the way out it is pure Bagdad. Man, that is prison pain right there. They use diamonds to cut titanium, you don't even want to think about what they do to rectum. Trust me, I know.
Joseph Blough
Comercials
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Posted: 12/14/2005 2:56:30 PM
I've seen or heard no less than 20 ads for diamonds a day since Thanksgiving. The same for cordless drills. If you are a lipstick lesbian do you want a drill or a diamond? Hmmmm
Joe Kickass
A great time of year to be single
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Posted: 12/14/2005 3:01:17 PM
Actually, anytime of year is a great time of year to be single.
God, I'm so lonely.
seppuku
Perfect!
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Posted: 12/14/2005 3:07:45 PM
Addresses an underdiscussed and relevant issue with great humor.
By the way, what the fuck is with all the "critiques" I see on this site? What is this, the "wannabe comedy writers' discussion cafe"?
This article was funny. Unless you're currently a writer for Conan O'Brien, I don't think anyone gives a flying fuck about your thoughts on the "pacing".
Great article.
Bosco
seepku
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Posted: 12/14/2005 3:13:10 PM
Yeah you tell them! Fuck anyone with an opinion! Fuck everyone with an opinion! Hey Seepku, fuck you and your opinion! I am the only god damn person who as an ounce of credabilty to be able to critique every comedy writer.
Now to get back to writing for Carrot Top, let me see a T.O. contract written in dissaperaing ink! Oh man that is sure to get a laugh!!
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