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The Ugliest Ever?
Featured on The Best Damn Sports Show & ESPN Radio and in the New York Post's Page 6
It what might become a continuing topic (All Time Sports Teams), this is one of the most hotly debated All-Time Teams. The NBA's All-Ugly Team features, what have to be, some of the ugliest humans ever. It may have something to do with the fact that being seven-feet tall isn't all that natural to begin with, but regardless, these fellows should all thank their lucky stars they could play basketball because otherwise they might never have gotten a single piece of strange.
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The Starters
Sam Cassell
Position: Guard College: Florida State '93 NBA: 1993 - Present Teams: Houston, Pheonix, Dallas, New Jersey, Milwaukee, Minnesota
Ugliness Rating: 10
Sam Cassell is the ugliest guard in the history of professional basketball, by a long margin- the 1996 Bulls of perimeter hideousness. Everything that can go wrong with a human face, side from gigantic warts, goes wrong with Cassell's. But we'll give Cassell his due. He has boldly stepped up time and again and said, "Never mind how ugly I am! Just get me the damn rock!", and has made shots.
All-Ugly Pop-Up: Cassell- sorry, Gollum- is a college teammate of Bob Sura, winner of the Dan Majerle Award for Tannest Basketball Player of the Century.
Long, hairless, features stretched and exaggerated, Reggie Miller belongs in Whitley Streiber's dreams as much as on a basketball court.
All-Ugly Team Pop-up: Reggie Miller played under Walt Hazzard at UCLA. The ugly Bruins were upset in the second round by Fennis Dembo and Wyoming in 1987.
Popeye Jones
Postion: Forward College: Murray State '92 NBA: 1993 - 2004 Teams: Dallas, Toronto, Boston, Denver, Washington, Golden State
Ugliness Rating: 9.9
Now, I understand that between the ears, Popeye Jones is probably more or less of normal intelligence. To the best of my knowledge, he functions normally in society; can write a check, drive a car, change his own clothes, that kind of thing. But I see this picture, and quite frankly, it's hard to believe he isn't somehow mentally impaired in some way. It's unkind to say, but it's true. The poor guy- not poor, actually, just ugly- guy just has so much shape to his head. He looks kind of like a Slow Mutant from Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series.
During a Cavaliers broadcast from back in the day when the gargoyle they called "T. Time" at Xavier was with the club, Michael Reghi uttered the words, "Tyrone Hill, lookin' good!" I understand he's supposed to get the Cavs' backs, but come on. Like Pino says: "Pop. Stop lyin'."
All-Ugly Pop-Up: There are now two natives of the OH-10 on this team.
Gheorghe Muresan
Postion: Center College: Cluj (Romania) '92 NBA: 1990 - 2000 Teams: Washington, New Jersey
Ugliness Rating: 10
As flat-out hideous as this man is, he does have an excuse- two excuses, actually. He's seven foot-seven, and he's from Romania. That having been said, he looks brutal. Brutish as well. Inch-for-inch the ugliest man on this team, that team, any team. Looking at Gheorghe Muresan makes one nostalgic for the Cold War, when this monstrosity would have been hidden by the Iron Curtain from our oh-so-tender eyes.
The Coach
Hubie Brown
Hubie Brown College: Niagra '55 NBA: 1976 - 1987, 2002 - 2005 Teams: New York, Atlanta, Memphis
Ugliness Rating: 9
Hubie Brown is about 4000 years old, which hasn't done much for him in the looks department. What this photo doesn't do justice is the translucent nature of his skin.
The fact that you can see his blood pulsing through his skin is terrifying. He looks like a living wax sculpture.
The Bench
Walt Hazzard
Postion: Gaurd College: UCLA '64 NBA: 1964 - 1974 Teams: Los Angeles, Seattle, Atlanta, Buffalo, Golden State
Ugliness Rating: 9
Now that's a gas-face for the former UCLA star and Bruin head coach.
I actually played ball with Calvin Booth this summer at the "Omni" in Parma. He there with little Earl Boykins, and I saw this man's face up close. Let me just say that, that photo doesn't bring him justice on how scary he really looks in person. Not only that, he can't talk. His words sound like the distorted bass from Larry Housel's old car.
SCARY!
Mike Polk
One More Thing
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Post #: 2
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Posted: 3/14/2005
Popeye Jones looks like Reggie Miller if he melted.
Dave R
Holy Shit!
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Posted: 3/15/2005
Sam Cassell really does look like E.T.
That's great!
Charlie
Also Rans...
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Posted: 3/16/2005
Dennis Johnson, Kevin McHale, Bill Walton, Mike Sanders, craig Hodges
fifi
DRAFT DENNIS!!!
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Post #: 5
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Posted: 3/18/2005
I know this isn't a charity competition, but please consider joining the Draft Dennis Rodman movement. That man showed the same dedication to pockmarking his face with a melonballer that he did to honing one of the game's great defenses.
NATE
kemp
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Posted: 3/18/2005
Shawn Kemp needs to be a starter
andy
ace
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Posted: 3/18/2005
Good call on the Scottie Pippen. Nash & Manute Boule (Spl?) should be on the bench as backups.
Nick
A few ones left behind
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Posted: 3/21/2005
Am a big fan, have been playing in an unofficial fantasy ugly league. I believe that Shawn Kemp (especially towards the end), Donyell Marshall, Daniel Marquis, Stephen Jackson, and, even though he is currently not on any roaster, Yuta Tabuse, deserve to join the pack.
randy
gotta be in their
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Post #: 9
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Posted: 3/22/2005
dallas maverick marquis daniels he's gotta be one of the ugliest ive ever seen
harry ballzonya
Pippen description
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 3/22/2005
should mention his ability to represent a 7 foot Erkle look a like
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