Twelve CDs for a Penny! It's an offer so tempting only those with the strongest constitution can refuse it. I don't know how things went down in your neck of the woods, but where I come from (aka "The Streets"), if some faceless company is dumb enough to dangle a dozen shiny new compact discs full of the latest jams in your face and all they ask for in return is penny, you don't ask questions. You grab those mirrored platters and run for the closest boom box - Suckers! I mean, there was a day when a penny could buy you a walk across the newly built Brooklyn Bridge, but those days are over and I needed that new Bell, Biv, DeVoe album.

Many years later, two lessons stick with me from that transaction: #1 Don't trust a big butt and smile. And #2: Few things in life are free, and even less things cost a penny. Now in my case the first lesson was worth the eventual price I paid for the dozen CDs, but I doubt many people are that lucky.

One such individual is The Phat Phree's very own, Mr. Larry Housel. The tale of his Columbia House experience is one of legend. And I am here to not only to tell you about it, but also to assure you that unlike the Fountain of Youth, Atlantis or Jesus, this legend is true!

The Deal
It all started on cool autumn evening in 1993. Larry Housel stopped in at his Mom's house after his first day of college. Larry fixed himself a sammich and flopped down on to the couch to watch an episode of the Cosby Show he had tapped the night before. It was an episode that he had seen before, but there was something about the Huxtables that fascinated him. At the first commercial break, Larry flipped through the day's mail. Halfway through the stack a chubby envelope teased him with the blocky and colorful offer of "12 CDs for a Penny." You see, Larry had already taken advantage of the offer a year before, and this chubby envelope wasn't for him. It was for his younger sister Tammy Housel.

Now Larry, being the older brother, exercised the older brother prerogative. He wasn't going to allow his beloved sister to miss out on such an amazing opportunity. So, he signed his sister up and ordered her a dozen CDs he wanted.

A week later, under remarkably similar circumstances, Larry tore open the box still laughing to himself about Cliff's latest witty retort to Rudy just before the commercial break. I'm sure with every intention of giving the musical bounty to his younger sister at his first opportunity, Larry left that day in his Jeep bumping the sweet sounds of Rhythm Is A Dancer by SNAP! It was the last he would think of Columbia House for many years.

The Letter
Almost six years to the day later, Tammy Housel received her first letter from a North Shore Agency, Inc. asking for $112.02 for an outstanding balance owed to one Columbia House CD Club. At first she ignored them, and a few months passed. It was two days after Christmas 1999 when Tammy received a strongly worded letter that spurred her into action.



The time was not lost on Tammy, she grow into a smart young woman, and it didn't take her long to put together the pieces. Years of returning "CDs of the Month" and Larry's sudden acquisition of several new CDs back in 1993, including Snow's 12" of Snow, Meatloaf's The Very Best of Meatloaf, and Toni Braxton's Buy It Now! among others, suddenly made sense. She did all she could do, she told her Mom.

It wasn't long before the news reached Larry. And now that Mom was involved, Larry couldn't ignore the problem. He would have deal with this Columbia House situation, and fast. Something had to be done, and that something did not include paying $112.02. As far as Larry was concerned, he had paid his penny, and that was the only legal tender they were ever going to squeeze out of him.

The Key
Larry went home still a bit upset about the flack he got for a completely innocent six-year-old indiscretion. He wasn't quite sure what to do, but he didn't like Mr. Benedetto's tone in the letter, that was for sure. Larry decided to write Mr. Benedetto a letter of his own. This wouldn't be the typical letter contesting a debt, or even an angry, obscenity laced tirade about the old "Columbia-House-bait-and-switch". No, this letter would be something that Ralph Benedetto was not prepared for; something that no collection agency had ever seen.



The letter, complete with a poem from Tammy's "brother Hulahay" was drafted. It included a key "to the money" which was supposedly located in Brazil, Indiana - which is only a few miles from the Columbia House headquarters in Terre Haute.

The Response
I'm not sure what he expected to come from the response to the North Shore Agency (NSA), but if nothing else, we all had fun imagining that Larry had given some poor minimum-wage mail reader schmo a brief respite from thinking about his paper cuts and suicide. It was about a week later that Larry burst in the door with smile and an envelope.

A customer service agent named Edy Mills had sent a form letter reply with a single line added: "Enclosed, we are retuning the KEY that you sent." It was all the encouragement we needed. Not only had Larry (or more accurately Tammy) received a personalized form letter and forced an escalation of the account, but also with the letter was a tiny envelope containing the key. On this little stapled envelope was a hand-written number: "#023472"



Our imaginations ran wild with theories about how the key had brought their baroque system into near collapse. We immediately started plotting our next move.

The Commercial
Larry knew that if he was going to keep this going, he was going to need reinforcements. So he called in the troops to brainstorm he next move. It wasn't long before we broke out the PXL-2000 and started shooting a commercial for "The Columbia House." The "commercial" starred Larry, Simone, Time, Sleepy, Jesse and Beth, and it was perfect. Larry and I drafted a second letter addressed to Edy Mills and Simone drew a truly terrifying diagram. We packaged it up all up and sent it off with dreams of sugarplums dancing in our head.



To watch the commercial and read the conclusion of the story, continue to page 2.