I know. You want some money. Okay. I get it. Back off. Being Mr. Pushy isnt going to help your chances with me, buddy. Ive had a long day. What? Now you want a dollar? What ever happened to spare change? What is this, some kind of homeless-guy inflation? I know youre hungry, but did you start eating at Pannera Bread or something? Come on! Keep those sights low and those requests humble. Thats the way into my heart. And this is just one of the many useful tips I have for homeless people.
Poverty is a reality. And Im not just talking about my kind of poverty, the normal, look for balloons on mailboxes in June and go to high school graduation parties of kids I dont know so I can get a free meal kind of poverty. Thats totally natural.
Im referring to hardcore sleeping on those heat grates on Euclid at night and screaming at God all day poverty. But I think I can help. So if youre a homeless person, and youre reading this, (who knows, you might be sleeping under it right now!) just follow these helpful tips and you can take your homelessness to a whole new level!
Tip #1: Learn a Trade.
People like to feel like they are getting something for their money, and Im sorry, but the simple knowledge that we are helping another human being survive by providing them with the means to get food is not enough. How about some music?! There is one relentless homeless gentleman downtown that plays the saxophone like nobodys business. Im not saying hes good at it. Clarence Clemmons isnt stopping by for pointers or anything. The only songs in his repertoire are Take me out to the Ball game and half of the theme from Hillstreet Blues but at least hes trying.
If musics not your thing, hows about some slight of hand magic? Or perhaps you could draw my caricature with an amusingly large forehead and disproportionately tiny body! Thats hilarious! Draw me on a little bicycle and Im as good as sold!
Or get a ventriloquist dummy and name him Rags The Homeless Dummy and throw a vagrant-themed act together.
EG: Bum: Boy Rags, you sure stink this evening!
Rags: I stink? Im not the one who just took a shit in a White Castle booth and then wiped his ass with his hand!
Bum: Rags, you blockhead!
Just an example. You can use that as a jumping off point if you want.
Smile...
Tip #2: Hows About a Smile?
No one likes a grouchy-puss! And street urchins are no exception. A little cheeriness can go a long way! I know that its kind of hard to be upbeat when you slept on a bike-rack last night and you reek of your own urine, but at least give us a little effort.
Mean street people are scary, which can actually be quite effective if utilized correctly. Often times, the more irritable a beggar seems, the more intimidated we are and the more likely you are to get some cash as a form of self-defense. But you have to ask yourself, Do I really want to earn my living by making others feel bad? I mean sure, you have cash for a sandwich now, but you left us feeling all yucky. So I say, break out those pearly-yellows, (or whats left of them!) give us a grin, and mind your Ps and Qs. This way, we can both leave the panhandling experience with a sense of well being and mutual appreciation.
Tip #3: Location, Location, Location.
So I was coming out of Jacobs Field (Cleveland's downtown ballpark) one night this past summer, and there is this homeless gentleman with no legs in a wheelchair. Hes easily 75 years old and is clearly blind. Talk about your marketing strategies! The white-liberal-guilt-filled-yuppie Indians fans are giving this guy tens and twenties on the way out. Theyre swiping their debit cards in the conveniently placed credit card reader he had attached to his chair. (good move buddy!) And just as I was giving him the keys to my Dodge, I noticed this other beggar right next to him. This dude is over six feet tall and easily 220 pounds. Hes in far better shape than I am and hes wearing Tommy Hilfiger jeans. And yet he insists on begging right next to the single most miserable, sympathy-evoking individual these eyes have ever seen.
Now I dont claim to be some marketing guru, but I do know a bad business location when I see one.
So my advice to you sir, is to recognize what league youre in. You cant hang with that guy. No ones going to give you money if youre begging next to Wheely McBlind. So now you have two options: You either choose an unoccupied corner for yourself, or you wheel that guy somewhere far away, lock his brakes and then reclaim the disputed area.
Tip #4: Move Out of Cleveland
Im assuming that you guys havent seen a weather report lately. What with not having TVs and all, so let me tell you, Clevelands really cold. Its a combination of our location in relationship to the equator and those darned lake effect winds. It all adds up to some pretty brutal weather. So heres my suggestion, MOVE SOMEWHERE WARM! I mean, if you have to be homeless, why not do it in Miami? Hang out on the beach, get some sun, look at chicks in bikinis! Whats keeping you here? Its pretty obvious that things arent happening for you. You spent the entire day napping on a fountain and cursing at pigeons. I trust you have no pressing social engagements that require your attendance in the near future. So just walk south a couple of miles each day! Sure, it might take a while, but its not like you have anything else going on.
Stay Positive!
Theres also loads of easily confused and frightened old people in Miami, and that spells easy pickins for you my friend! Who loves ya?
So thats it! I hope that Ive managed to help, even if in just some small way, the droves of literate, computer savvy homeless people that swarm this website each and every day.
I've seen that bum before! Posted: 11/3/2005by: Porter The white one with the beard! He's always around Cleveland! I'll never forget the funniest bum line ever... I was takin' a piss at the Rascal House across from CSU when this bum walks in and says to me, "So I guess this is where all the pricks hang out, eh?" Man, I felt like I wanted to give him all of the money in my wallet! Except I didn't. marathon Posted: 4/28/2005by: Winkle Start an annual homeless guy marathon. People have sponsors and run with you, but hey you know the streets better than anyone and you take short cuts through your house, I mean the sewers. Free drinks while you run as well. With the money you raised buy as much malt liquour you can get your grubby little hands on. Looking Cool! Posted: 4/8/2005by: Indy Man My suggestion would be...Go down to the local mission and try to find a vintage striped shirt. Then hit the local market with your $1.99 in spare change to buy a freakin' RedBull. Atleast you'll look cool! Shovels and Brooms Posted: 3/29/2005by: The Captain The City should provide Brooms and snow shovels for our local homeless. They can sweep the streets in the summer and shovel the snow in winter. I would throw money at any homeless person who was improving our city like this. Maybe the Mayor can save some money for the city in snow removal and street cleaning! This one always works for me Posted: 3/25/2005by: B-Bop Hey Homeless Guy, Polk had some great advice but here's another one. It always works for me. Find a cute homeless dog. Everyone feels really bad for the dog and will give you food for the dog. And if you come across some food, let people see you give some or most of it to the dog. I know you're hungry but if animal lovers see you feeding the dog before feeding yourself they will be more likely to give you more food or more money.
Now I'm not saying to go find a happy dog and starve it for your cause, that is just mean. But if you happen to come across a stary dog in the same shape as you try to become friends. Not only will your new friend help you out, but you'll also have someone to spend your time with and help keep you warm at night.
Oh, and please do something about the smell. Nobody will come close enough to you to give you anything if they can smell you from a mile away.
