I just flew to Phoenix and found one of those notices in my luggage that the Transportation Security Administration searched my bag. It was really Orwellian and kind of cold some bags are physically inspected, necessary security precaution, blah, blah, snore. Ive read eviction notices that were more gripping. I also dont think it really explains what they do with your bag, which is why I wrote a new notice they can use. It was inspired by what my bag looked liked when it came out in the baggage claim.
TRANSPORTATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION - NOTICE OF BAGGAGE INSPECTION
To protect you and your fellow passengers, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is required by law to inspect all checked baggage. As part of this process, some bags are thrown onto a hard metal table and ransacked with a bag of squirrels. Your bag was among those selected for physical mutilation.
During the inspection, your bag and its contents may have been searched for prohibited items. Instead, it was searched for Altoids, spare change, two-headed dildos or anything that would make Chad go, Hey guys, check this out! At the completion of the inspection, the contents were returned to your bag in a way that can only be likened to getting toothpaste back in the tube. To make it all fit, we employ a technique known as shopping. Missing items could also result from another technique known as mix m match, which would explain why your shaving kit is replaced by a 3-week supply of insulin.
Baggage Inspection Notice
If the TSA screener was unable to open your bag because it was locked or because he was stoned or because he is an elementary school dropout, the screener may have been forced to break the lock on your bag. Being a thorough employee, he will also break your CD player, bottle of cologne, and anything else that cost over $15, forever making your hoodie smell like Polo Sport. TSA sincerely regrets having to do this; however, TSA does not regret it enough to pay for any damage done. Why? Because were TSA. We can do whatever we want. Why? Because we can. I told you, were TSA. We can take your iPod if we say terrorists can use it as a weapon. That what we did with the nail clippers. We did that as a bet with the FCC. We have a warehouse full of them in New Jersey and another one full of squirrels. Fuck us? No, fuck you. Suck on this civil liberty, citizen.
What my bag used to look like before it was raped, I mean,
For packing tips and suggestions on how to secure your baggage during your next trip, please visit: www.tsa.gov
ahhhh Posted: 5/6/2006by: Bea Gass anything with the word "Orwellian" attached makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. im just saying!! I'm boarding the plane with a NAIL FILE! OH GOD THE HUMANITY! Posted: 5/6/2006by: WindowSeatMan This is exactly why I use UPS to ship my luggage wherever i'm going, and ship it back for me to come home. I never fly with anything more than i can cary on and not let out of my sight.
it's worth it to pay UPS for the sole benifit of ACCOUNTIBILITY! they break it, or it goes somewhere else, and they're liable. TSA? could give a shit less.
fucking squirrels. sorry Posted: 5/4/2006by: mad dog The JPM fiasco on the other article ruined your chances of getting a good read. funny stuff though. TSA Stands for Posted: 5/4/2006by: Atlas Thousands Standing Around Sad but true Posted: 5/4/2006by: GRB Good stuff. I'm pretty sure those fuckers steal more stuff than Winona Ryder.
