No officer, Im not certain exactly how fast I was going. Yes, I know that the speed limit is 35 through here. No I dont think that Im Jeff Gordon sir. I really just wasnt paying very close attention to my speed, and for that, I apologize. And if I may sir, Id also like to take this opportunity to say that Im sorry for whatever happened to you as a child that caused you to become such a colossal prick cop.
Now please, dont get upset sir. Let me explain.
Kids can be cruel. Adolescence is such an awkward and formative period in our lives. And the physical and/or mental abuse that you obviously sustained during that time has evidently had dramatic effects on your self-esteem, character and self-image. This has rendered you little more than an insecure, vindictive douchebag on a power trip. And thats totally understandable!
Whats that sir? Thats enough? Youre darn right Thats enough officer! For too long we adults have ignored the major issue that is bullying and the long lasting psychological effects that it is capable of causing our children!
Case in point, lets just take a look at you sir. As youre extremely overweight now, Im going to go ahead and assume that you were also a fat child. Normal kids probably picked on you mercilessly and called you names like Lard-ass and Sir Porksalot. And thats not right. And on behalf of attractive, slender people everywhere, I just want to say that were sorry.
What was that sir? Im Out of line? Yes sir, I am Out of line! The whole damned system is out of line! I give partial blame to the school systems for not addressing your apparent special needs. Of course you were going to get picked on for being slower than the other kids! Just listen to yourself! You can barely string a proper sentence together.
But thats nothing that could not have been worked out in a friendly environment filled with your mental peers. Think how grand it would have been for you to spend the whole school day in a special classroom with your intellectual equals making things with elbow macaroni and clay. Now that would have been a nurturing environment! Instead you had to endure constant insults from your cruel, mentally proficient school mates merely because youre borderline retarded.
Get out of the car? Yes, I will indeed Get out of the car sir. Because I know one police officer that has an apology hug coming his way on behalf of smart, good looking people with normal sized penises everywhere.
Oh now, theres no need to deny it sir. Your face says it all. Its quite apparent that one too many women have outright laughed at the sight of what is certainly your childlike genitalia. What other reason could you possibly have for being such an enormous Handjob of a man?
Yes, I will put my hands behind my back. That is no problem whatsoever. But while I do, let me just sum up what weve established here today:
Shiny Asshole License
Youre a moronic, fat, needle-dicked bastard, who likes to intimidate people to make himself feel better about his own pathetic existence. And, as you were too stupid, unlikable and untalented to obtain authority and respect by earning it, you went to cop school for two months and now torment better people than yourself all day out of spite for fun. Is that about right?
Im going to take that nightstick to my throat as a Yes. Okay great, I think weve made some real progress here today. I appreciate your candor.
Oh look, some more police cars are pulling up. And it appears that these fellows all have nightsticks as well. I suppose I owe each of them an apology too. Let the healing begin!
Small town cops? Posted: 10/10/2005by: MKF Please. If you're looking for prick cops come and say hi to one of Chicago's finest (or is that the Fire Dept?). They give new meaning to the term "self-important asshole". Nice Posted: 4/29/2005by: Steve Nice Mr. Show reference Bill. Mike Polk, you are my favorite... never dissappoint! Po' Bastard Posted: 4/13/2005by: Kubiak Nice creative, but I'm sorry Mike this one can't touch the "striped shirt" Agreed. Posted: 4/12/2005by: Sera Honestly, Small town cops are the worst. Especially when you know half of them. They still think they are better then you. Half of the police force in my town grew up with and smoked pot on my back porch, and now they act like their shit is coming up roses and they never did anything wrong. It's such a joke.
The worst having to be, one particular kid I went to high school with got caught robbing an animal clinic for ketaset/ketamine. He went through the coastguard afterward and is now a town cop. Can someone please tell me how you go from stealing cat/primate tranquilizers to sell and snort up your nose to making upwards of $50,000G's a year?
Where is the sign up sheet, I think I feel some old surpressed memories of High School coming back to me, I think I was repressed.... SA Posted: 4/12/2005by: SA but in the end, when the @#$& hits the fan and you're hiding under the bed in urine soaked pajamas..... oh, NOW you want the help of the police? I thought so. assholes Posted: 4/12/2005by: Bill Hemmer Y'all are brutalizin' me! Y'all are brutalizin' me!
Seriously, small town cops are the worst, because not only do you get the normal I-have-something-to-prove cop attitude, you get the I-grew-up-in-a-shitty-small-town-and-didn't-have-the-balls-to-leave cop attitude. To Protect and Serve Posted: 4/12/2005by: RC "Service" is not even in a cop's vocabulary and "Protect"??? Just ask anybody with a court-signed restraining order whether a cop has protected them.
That's why I carry at all times. Better to be judged by 12 than buried under 6.
Oh...you thought I was driving too slow so you cut me off and now you're exiting your car at the stoplight and walking towards me? (me reaching into glove compartment)... Indeed, Skrid Jr Posted: 4/12/2005by: Tom A and that's when they're being filmed (and they know it), AND what's left after editing. Cops Posted: 4/11/2005by: Skrid jr This story validates my friend Forrest's "Second String High School Quarterback That Never Got In the Game" theory about cops. On a side not, I kind of miss the days when all cops had mustaches and wore gold-framed , mirrored Ray-Ban Aviators. The Nazi Youth haircut with Oakley sunglass look that they all sport now just isn't the same. At least they still all look the same. Typical Cops episode: white trash guy: "We aint doin' nothin' wrong, we was drinkin' an' I didn't give her no cigarette when she asked me fer one so the bitch started swingin' so I protected myself n' hit her back an' then..." Cop: "Get down! GET DOWN! NOW!!!" White trash guy: "I ain't done nothin'..." Cop: "I SAID GET ON THE GROUND!!!" Pulls out Taser white trash guy:"she hit me..." TASER, TAZER, TAZER white trash guy: "AHHHH, AAAAHHHHH, ALRIGHT STOP, STOP AHHHH, AAAAHHHHH" drops to ground, pisses pants Cop:" I WARNED YOU TO GET DOWN! NOW TURN OVER ON TO YOU STOMACH AND LAY FLAT. Put your...DO IT NOW OR I'LL DO IT AGAIN!" white trash guy: "I'M GETTIN' DOWN! (BEEP) man, that hurts don'...ALRIGHT, I'M GETTIN' DOWN" etc. cops Posted: 4/11/2005by: Patrick Burrell Why is it all cop cars and badges and what not say "to serve and protect"? Thats some bullshit. If they were serving and protecting, then normal folks wouldn't be so afraid of them all the time. Think about it, everytime a cop pulls in behind you, you start thinking about what you are doing wrong, even though you're not doing shit. This article hits the nail on the head.
