Youve waited in line for the better part of the night and finally you arrive at the front. For the umpteenth time a group of girls that just arrived are let in the VIP line, an injustice youve come to accept at this point in your life. Now one final obstacle remains admission from the doorman, also commonly known as the bouncer.
But who are these watchmen? Where do they come from? Well thats what were here to examine. The following are a generalized list of some of the varying personalities that stand between you, your $20 cover and that precious stamp or wristband youve longed to attain.
THE PAROLEE
Easy to spot. From the fresh jailhouse tattoos to the Ive-been-having-anal-sex-against-my-will look on his face, youll know this guy right away. Very hostile and unpredictable. The ultimate irony is that this criminal is placed in charge of restoring order in the event of a barfight.
THE JOCK
Played Junior College football but didnt start. Still, he tells everyone that if he hadnt hurt his knee hed have been in the NFL or the Canadian League at least. Not afraid to push around the little guys but always backs down to a real threat. Refers to all males bro or chief and all females sweetie or doll.
THE OFF-DUTY COP
Talks down to everyone like a third-grade teacher. Not only does he sport an earpiece, walkie-talkie and a set of handcuffs but hes secretly packing heat. He has a flat-top, a mustache and a bad attitude. As much as youd like to throw that attitude back at him, remember, youre giving him your drivers license as ID. He can and will use that against you.
The tools of the trade
THE WANNABE COP
Way to into the strip search. Will use words like perp and suspect to describe bar patrons. Knows the Ten Code by heart and will use it at every opportunity. Refers to himself as an enforcer and although hes not sure about the exact details of the law, he will attempt to keep people from breaking it as he sees fit.
THE LADIES MAN
Passes on the standard black T that reads SECURITY in favor of a mauve Armani V-neck. He has a perfectly manicured goatee that borders on creepy and hes single handedly keeping Crest White Strips in business. He can identify female patrons by their cleavage alone and absolutely hates opening the velvet rope for dudes. Your date is not safe around this guy.
THE BROTHA
Do not fuck with him. Hes bigger than you, hes angrier than you and he doesnt give a shit. Avoid extended eye contact and do not under any circumstances attempt to jive with him unless your pigmentation allows you to. Think Soup Nazi here proceed in line, follow all verbal instructions and humbly make your way past him when you get the nod.
THE BODY BUILDER
Depending on which cycle of steroids hes on, his temperament will range from short to non-existent. You will overhear him discussing pecs, tris and/or quads at least once as you get within earshot of him in line. He will most likely insult your physique as he pats you down, but take solace in knowing hell die years before you due to massive heart failure.
SAINT PETER
The guardian of the gates to heaven, some would say St. Peter is the ultimate bouncer. Hes a perfectionist and very specific about who gets in. If you should encounter him, be sure to drop the G-Mans name. Some say it helps to know Jesus too (important - pronounced GEE-SUS, not HEY-ZEUS). Its also worth noting hes not a fan of baggy pants, untucked shirts and sneakers.
Deuce Posted: 11/11/2005by: Christine I read it, but I didn't know if that was the truth and it wasn't that clear of an explanation of the article absences. Thats why I asked.
I rarely do any work on Fridays so a bunch of new articles would have been great today. Plus, courts are closed so i am stuck at my desk. oNE sTAR Posted: 11/11/2005by: DAN I'm giving this article 'one star' Not because it didn't make me laugh, but because this is the second day in a row it was up. instead of Posted: 11/11/2005by: deuce scrolling to the question of the week, actually read napalms article...
that should answer the "where's" , "why's" , and "what the fucks" Yeah, I'm Scared Posted: 11/11/2005by: Christine Please let us know if you are alive and well Mr. DeMarco and others. WOW!~ Posted: 11/11/2005by: STEVE This article was hilarious yesterday I agree Posted: 11/11/2005by: matt 2 days of one new article each? Absurd!! Am I to resort to other free sites. Well back to the onion. WTF?? Posted: 11/11/2005by: Tom Mc You guys take Veteran's Day off? Unacceptable. For a free site that requires nothing from its viewers, you guys have some nerve.
No new articles? Posted: 11/11/2005by: Cameron Did everyone just get fucked up last night and forget to post any articles today or what? ?? Posted: 11/11/2005by: don Wasn't this article up yesterday? christine Posted: 11/11/2005by: Nips On your saggy boobs how big are your nipples can I hang a christmas orniment off of them.
