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HOLLYWOOD, CA--Movie industry executives announced today that it would stop making all genres of movies except for hardcore pornography. The shocking news has been a long time coming, says one spokesperson from a major studio. Wanting to remain anonymous, he added the studios are fed up with making a Dan Aykroyd film every time (the actor) wants a new (expletive) Chrysler."
Seth Greenfield, an executive from Disney, agreed with that assessment, but cited other reasons as well. Sure, Aykroyd has been pissing us off for years, but I would add scores of actors to that very long list; people like Sandler, Affleck and Sandra Bullock. But there is so much more that made this decision an easy one. There just arent any new ideas out there. Its all the same re-packaged crap year after year, with shitty re-makes, inferior sequels or boring historical events. Theres apparently nothing more to be said. Look, we had a great run, but were tired of finding creative ways to market these films, and were tired of stealing from the American public. We dont want to end up pathetic old men in ivory towers crying over some sled named Rosebud.
The studio players in Hollywood have also taken actions to get the government involved. A bill is quickly being elevated through Congress to make it illegal to produce or distribute any moving pictures in all of North America. This includes studio films, all documentaries, independent films and television as well. When asked how Congress could mandate a law for all of North America, Congressman Josey Winkerton (R-Tenn.) stated through the by-laws of NAFTA, this bill will be passed in all of North America as to deter any of them liberal sissies runnin up to Canada again to shoot their pretend stories. Nope. No more movies. Except for hardcore porn. That they can do."
Why is pornography going to continue to be produced? We feel that pornography is the purest form of acting. Greenfield said. These actors are portraying raw human emotion. Its real. Just about everyone can relate to having sex. But how many of us can relate to a bunch of scientists walking around the streets of Manhattan inside the Statue of Liberty thats able to walk because of some pink goos reaction to music? Or (Greenfield, referencing a scene Ghostbusters II, starring Dan Aykroyd, then goes on to make several other references to other plotlines of movies with the actor).
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The studio representatives also said that pornography is very easily produced. There are no viable unions to deal with. There arent any writers or agents demanding high salaries or percentages. The sets and soundtracks are very simple. Its really just people fucking in front of a camera.
John John Wang, star of hundreds of adult films had this to say, There is a real educational value in these films for Americans, a real human need.
What are the repercussions for the people whose livelihood depends on the industry? Well, the writers can always write books, most of the agents have law degrees or impressive business credentials, the crews have marketable technical skills, so they should land on their feet, producers and directors have more money than most countries, that just leaves the actors, said Greensfield. He continued that the actors will have a serious decision to make. They can either find a job that isnt make-believe, or they can do porn. I hear Brad Pitt is pretty good with numbers; maybe he could be an accountant, or a cashier. Or he could do porn. Although hed probably have to do gay porn, because hes too pretty for regular porn.
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Joe Patroni, a thirty-year stonemason from Chicago, had his own spin. Hey these prima donnas have been like prostitutes anyways. Just about all of em have been nude or had love scenes on screen. Why not show the good stuff? He added, That whole industry has been ridiculous anyway. Could you imagine if I had a fucking awards ceremony every time I built a wall?
Economist/Porn Star Jenny St Valentine had some positive words for the banishment of movies. On average, Americans spend over 100 billion dollars a week at the box office. St. Valentine, more of a porn star than an economist, continued, That accumulates to over 5 million gazillion dollars a year that will be pumped back into the economy. Also, all government-funded arts programs will be cut and could go to better programs like NASA, so they can shoot more shit up into space. Or, we could use that money for pornography acting classes for kids.
When asked about the theatre and foreign films, all parties agreed that all that stuff was complete shit, and not worth another thought.
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