It is time for the Oscars, where the industry rewards films for defying convention and producing powerful images of human drama. A handful of great films, however, do not make up for the thousands of awful movies produced by the major studios each year. Sitting on my couch at three in the morning watching HBO for the 12th straight hour, I began to notice recurring themes in each movie that annoy the living shit out of viewers. What follows is just a small selection of the worst clichs Hollywood has to offer.
The Super-Feminine Gay Man
In case the viewer doesnt pick up on the fact that a character is gay, writers and actors find it necessary to hammer home every stereotype imaginable. Gay characters in movies have exaggerated lisps, use double entendres for sex and dicks in every sentence, and flap their arms like hummingbirds. This is probably the only exposure to homosexuality for 75% of our country. Is it any surprise that the red states (and some blue) think gay marriage is wrong? The image ingrained in their minds is a cock-starved, Madonna-loving hairdresser dressed like Magnum, P.I on acid.
The Im Too Old For This Shit Cop
Hes a grizzled veteran detective with a wife and four kids just days away from retirement, free to live off his generous pension in the beautiful wilderness of Southern Jersey. His captain decides to pair him with a young, dangerous, semi-suicidal partner and all hell breaks loose. Hilarity, of course, ensues. As they chase criminals at 90 mph through the streets of L.A. or dodge bullets in the middle of the desert, the veteran is always ready to remind the audience that he is indeed too old for this shit.
Every Black Man Can Hot-Wire a Car In a Pinch
It doesnt matter what role a black man plays in a movie: politician, street thug, stock broker, even a priest. If he is placed in an emergency situation where a car needs to be stolen, he will hot-wire that bitch in less than fifteen seconds. The exasperated white co-star will express his surprise, and the black character will say that he grew up in the streets.
I tried to put this one to the test by walking around North Philly for a few days, but I did couldnt find any street seminars teaching the fine points of hot-wiring. I guess you have to sign up for these things in advance; I will keep my eyes peeled for postings on Craigslist.
The Hooker With a Heart of Gold
This is probably the worst clich of the bunch. In Hollywood, prostitutes are street-wise and world-weary, spouting tidbits of golden wisdom and sounding like ancient relatives of Socrates. Apparently all is well in the world once you have been counseled and educated by a woman who performs sexual favors for money and cocaine. In reality, most of them have an IQ that is barely high enough to keep them breathing.
Maybe this is why actors like Hugh Grant and Eddie Murphy get caught with hookerstheir psychiatrists are not helping with their problems, so why not go see a prostitute and get her to share some of her infinite wisdom?
Pulling Out All the Stops To Get the Girl
Did you show up at her wedding banging on the glass in the organ balcony? How about writing her a letter telling her that youve secretly been in love with her for all four years of high school? Did you climb the side of her house and crawl in through her window? If none of this is working, do not give up. Try harder! Every girl loves being stalked by a psychotic loser willing to awkwardly confess his love for her in extremely embarrassing situations. Ruin her sisters wedding! Kidnap her roommate! Light her house on fire! Everything will be alright once she finally comes around and realizes that you are her soul mate.
What they dont show you is the real ending, where the girl tells off the crazy stalker and then she ends up with her photo on the side of a milk carton.
Hero With Nothing Left To Lose
Every since my wife and my dog died, Ive been fucking crazy. Shoot me! Kill me! I dont give a fuck anymore and I want to die! Apparently, other than my wife, I dont have any brothers, sisters, parents, cousins, friends, coworkers, or even old college roommates that give two shits whether I live or die! There are almost three billion other women on this planet and not one of them will ever make me happy!
Seriously, somebody give this guy a roll of twenties and get him to a strip club, pronto. He will forget all about his dead wife once he has his face buried in a pair of dirty pillows.
Millions of Rounds Fired, And Nobody Is Hit
I shoot blindfolded
This tortured me as I grew up in the late 80s/early 90s. Two of my favorite shows were "G.I. Joe" and "The A-Team", and I never saw someone get shot. One image still haunts me to this day: Murdoch hanging out the back of B.A.s van firing 3,000 rounds from an AK-47 and only kicking up dust around the feet of bad guys. This is a crack commando unit from Vietnam??? Now you know why we lost that warour best soldiers thought a kill shot entered through the enemys foot.
Maybe they thought it was funny to see sandals flying through the air when they shot the Vietcong in the ankle. I know the thought makes me chuckle a bit.
I could go on and onmovies are full of more terrible clichs than can be counted. Anything I missed should be pointed out between comments about how terrible I am.
WE CAN DO IT!! Posted: 3/7/2006by: Roland Bishop How about in every lame ass sports movie the team gets a "Ringer". The new guy or girl who is awesome at whatever sport the movie is about. Then come championship time the rest of the team that was helpless before the ringer has to manage to win without them. Usually this will include an impassioned speech about how the team "had it inside them all along".... Street wise black Posted: 3/6/2006by: DK Street wise black,who teaches middle class,suburban White Family about reality, the facts of life,how to raise their children right,etc. ENOUGH!!!! heroes Posted: 3/4/2006by: Jeff All macho, badass, Navy SEAL-trained type heroes are expendable assets to the company or government agency they work for. Corellary: These guys harbor a deep hatred for their employers.
Hmm, sounds like my job. Just Kill Him Posted: 3/2/2006by: Guinness Great points you have all made. Another one that gets me is when SEBG (Thanks Beetle) has the hero dead to rights and decides NOT to kill him. The SEBG wants to chitchat and show the hero his master plan. Why, oh why? Just once I would like to see the SEBG win.
Cheers
How about... Posted: 3/1/2006by: randy Dont forget about Horror movies. They are a clich in their own right. Such stellar and original characters as "Walk Backwards While Scared" Girl, "I'll Go Investigate Hunk, "Screaming Like a Maniac (out of bed) Woman, and my personal favorite..."The Killer Appears Dead So I'll Just Rest Here Over What I Think Is His Dead Body Girl.
And if you want to add another movie clich, what about "Tough Girl" who fires off some clever quip after being tossed around by the villain. She then jacks the thug whose three-times her size in the grill and fells him like a beaver on an oak tree. But in reality, once she throws her weak girl-power jab, the large villain takes it and MAYBE flinches, but then proceeds to beat her like Michael Jackson does to his junk during a Boy Scout meeting.
3rd party shooter Posted: 3/1/2006by: Beetle Come on people, this one is the MOST overused cliche in Hollywood history. The super-evil bad guy (SEBG) has the hero dead in his sights (usually after a prolonged action packed struggle). Just as SEBG is about to pull the trigger...BANG!!!!!!!! The hero looks down in amazement that his guts, brians, etc are not blown to bits, but in fact the SEBG has either a hole in his forehead, or is bleeding from the mouth, and then collapses to the ground. How did this happen? Well, the hero's partner/girlfriend/best chum, whom was presumably dead, managed to shake off their mortal injuries and shot SEBG at the exact moment that our hero was supposed to get it. There are probably hundreds of movies that end this way. ONe More Posted: 2/28/2006by: Tom A Said by or about, the protagonist cop: "This time it's personal."
Simpson's had a great take on this:
Chief Wiggum: "Lou, to the Quici-Mart." Lou: "But we just got back from getting your donuts." Chief: "No, this time it's NOT personal." Also Posted: 2/28/2006by: Tom A Bartender always has to be wiping a glass with a towel or cutting up some drink garnish (have you EVER seen either in an actual bar)? Car Won't Start Posted: 2/28/2006by: Tom A it's real close to turning over, but not quite. Hero says, "c'mon, c'mon!" as he cranks away. Finally, completed exasperated and on the verge of his own, all those close to him (perhaps even the world or universe's) destruction, he bangs his head or hand on the dashboard and she starts right up.
They even did this with a f'n spaceship in that lame-ass Bruce Willis sci-fi'er (the one with Steven Tyler screaming away in the background - "Armegeddon," maybe?)
Corollary = doorknob that villian/psycho/monster turns ever so sloooooowly, while heroine cowers in room. How freakin' long does it take to open a door, for Christ's sake? every good guy . . . Posted: 2/28/2006by: Fletcher . . . must punch like a vintage Mike Tyson. Whenever an attacker is struck once in the face, he is presumed to be knocked unconscious and is no longer a factor for the remainder of the fight (or the subsuquent dialogue).
