So everyone that I know got married this summer. I guess Im just at that age where people either find their true love or just pretend that the person they found is their true love because they are tired of looking and are starting to get fat. Either way, Ive spent the better part of my summer in hotel reception halls choosing between the chicken and the beef and trying to get drunk enough to make the Bee Gees listenable.
The saving grace of weddings is obviously the open bar aspect. I have a little game that I like to play at each wedding I attend. My goal is to drink so much booze that the financial worth of the alcohol that I consume surpasses the cost of the gift that I got for the couple. Because that way I feel like I won. I get my date involved too. Heres a typical exchange:
Me- Keep drinking!
Date- I cant drink any more! I feel sick!
Me- Youre going to keep fucking drinking! Four more seabreezes and we pass up the cost of that fondue set! Now drink!
Date- (Inaudible speech muffled by sobbing)
Me- And eat some more salmon, for Christs sake! That shits expensive! Put some in your goddamned purse!
-scene-
Speaking of wedding gifts, just a little hint to the readers here: even if you think that giving the new couple a gift certificate for marriage counseling is an hysterical present, I can assure you that from personal experience, the bride does not generally agree. Just a heads-up.
And as Im sure you all know, buying wedding presents can get expensive; especially if youre faced with an onslaught of nuptials, the way I was this summer. Slipping five bucks into a card or two is one thing, but six or seven weddings and that shit starts to add up. But dont sweat it. Ive got you covered.
If you dont want to spend any money on a present, do what I do. Print out a picture of the cosmos off the internet, circle a star and say you registered it under the couples name with The International Astronomy Organization. The card should read as follows:
Keith and Valerie, Now before you get mad and say I went overboard, (Do I know you guys or what? LOL) just remember how invaluable your friendship is to me. Yes it set me back a little bit, but this is a gift for me as much as you. Because now, whenever I cast my gaze to the heavens, Ill see the Keith and Valerie Supernova 6194 and be reminded of your blessed union. I hope that your love is as eternal and unwavering as the glow of your star.
Yours Is 3rd From Left
Its foolproof, people. Even if they know youre bullshitting them, theyll have the tact not to call you on it. Theyll just quietly dislike and pity you. Everybody wins!
From my summer-long wedding experience, I have also compiled a list of songs that apparently must legally be played at every reception. If youre getting married and you dont want to spend money on a cheesedick wedding DJ whos just doing this to pay the bills till his band takes off, you could pretty much just burn these ten songs and play them continuously throughout the evening and no one would be the wiser.
10- The Electric Slide: Ric Silver. This wretched wedding mainstay has kept middle-aged women and gay men happy since its unholy inception in 1976. Inevitably, the dance will feature one person who can not master the simple choreography and whose violent kicks and turns will hobble upwards of six guests.
9- Celebration: Kool And The Gang. I love this song because its so literal. It gives me specific instructions on exactly what I should be doing at this occasion. And I need that sometimes. If I had a nickel for every time I was just sitting quietly in a corner at a wedding, wondering how I should behave. And then K and the G kicks on, and I say to myself, Wait a minute....There IS a party going on right here! I SHOULD celebrate, and have a good time!.
8- You Shook Me All Night Long: AC/DC. A bunch of drunk 50-year old women kicking off their heels and awkwardly dancing in a circle. Im certain that this is exactly what AC/DC had in mind when they wrote it.
7- Hawaii Five-O Theme Song: Morton Stevens. Whos ready to hit the floor, straddle a cousin and get to paddlin? Aloha!
6- Brick House: The Commodores. Its time for your mom to get mighty mighty and let it all hang out!
5- Oh What a Night, Late December 1963: Frankie Valley and the Four Seasons. This is by far the biggest wedding song mystery to me. How did this stupid, not particularly danceable song about a teenager losing his virginity in the winter work its way into the rotation of nearly every wedding I have ever attended? Baffling.
4- The Chicken Dance: Frank Yankovic. Finally, a song that transcends generations and gives kids and adults the chance to look severely retarded together as one.
3- Unforgettable: Nat King Cole, Natalie Cole. Often played during the traditional father of the bride dance, theres nothing more heartwarming than a talentless live girl dueting with her talented dead dad.
Is It Truly Electric?
2- Old Time Rock and Roll: Bob Seger. Get out here dad! Bite that lower lip and show us how people ought to dance! Dad, your ties around your head! Thats not appropriate, is it? Oh well, I guess anything goes at this wedding!
1- The Locomotion: Grand Funk Railroad. Heyo! Now were getting crazy. Have you been looking for an excuse all night to get a handful of your Aunt Connies backfat? Want to satisfy that lifelong desire to simulate backdoor action on her? Nows your chance! All but the most miserable old uncles will be guilted into hopping on board this awkward and incestuous groove train. The chain is bound to break up on occasion when it encounters a minor roadblock (eg. guest in a wheelchair), but dont worry; theyll catch up! And wait, whats this? The train is leaving the reception hall?! They cant do that! Can they? Thats not right! Whered they go? I cant see them anymore! What the hell is going on?! Oh, wait! There they are! Coming in that other door! Ill tell you what, this wedding is not for the weak of heart! We are in for a long night!
In closing, my sincerest congratulations to all of the nine couples whos weddings I attended this summer. I know that the current divorce rate can be daunting, but if I have ever seen a couple who will be able to make it all work, it is the eighteen of you. You are different. You are special. Slainte!
NE Ohio weddings Posted: 9/14/2005by: Stephanie First off what you described is the typical NE Ohio wedding. If you live in NE Ohio you can pretty much forget summer especially for women. Perfect example of a wedding in Cleveland/Youngstown area you first start off celebrating months in advance with engagement parties then months down the line showers bridal shower, personal shower, couples shower, stock your bar shower, and so on basically average bride will have at least 5 showers before wedding. Men have stag parties unbeknownst to me they do not take place in other parts of the country. A stag party consist's of a bunch of men in a seedy vfw hall or some shit like that where all the men gamble get shitfaced then go to strip clubs, sounds perfect. At the wedding which usually has 300-450 guests you have rigatoni, green beans, some sort of chicken, and a cookie table if your Italian even if your not. As Mike mentioned for at least our parts thats the typical musical line up without fail. This is what goes on for every wedding and you go to an average of 5 to 6 weddings a summer. I love Mike Polk Posted: 9/14/2005by: chick It was just a crush after the Striped Shirt. Simply puppy love. Then I read Beer Run Way Too Complicated and found myself wishing I was Mike Polk's drinking/fuck buddy. Now, however, it's official. I'm in full blown, wanna have your babies love.
I LOVE YOU MIKE POLK!
We Can't Forget........ Posted: 9/12/2005by: Addition Shout! I know it was used in "wedding Singers" too much, but it is a wedding staple on the same. I was the maid of honor... Posted: 9/12/2005by: Amanda At a wedding where we walked into the hall as Pantera played, and then the bride and groom walked in to "Hot for Teacher" (surprise! she's a teacher!). I also learned that my mother's favorite song is "Celebration." WTF????? another song Posted: 9/12/2005by: carriere what about "ass and titties"? definitely top 5. The Ultimate Wedding Song Posted: 9/12/2005by: GreekGuy I cant believe nobody mentioned the Hustle! Mike Polk is Funny Posted: 9/12/2005by: Tom A Yup.
Something that makes "The Electric Slide" somewhat more bearable is realizing that all those idiots are line dancing to a song about a dildo.
P.S. "Play That Funky Music" is Wild Cherry, not KC et al. President Posted: 9/12/2005by: t-noc MIKE FOR PRESIDENT!!!! Well played Posted: 9/12/2005by: Joe Kickass Good job Mike. But the real winner here is Molly, who for the first time avoided vulgarity for the sake of vulgarity in a comment. Fuck yourself... Posted: 9/12/2005by: Jack Mehoffer You have no friends and no one would go with you to the wedding. In fact, the only luck you'd have at even remotely making this story true is finding some wedding announcement and then crashing the bitch with an asian transvestite prostitute. Nice try at humor slapnuts.
