Yes, its that time of year again. Im not referring to Christmas or Hanukkah. No, Im referring to the single-most painful exercise in futility known to man writing performance evaluations. Theoretically, performance evaluations are an excellent tool through which to communicate and document valuable feedback to employees so that they can be recognized for their achievements and be provided with constructive criticism. However, in reality, all the process really does is reinforce the existing animosity already harbored by your bitter, vindictive staff members. Ungrateful cocksuckers.
All you can do is try to string together some words that somehow seem meaningful enough to placate your superiors (if they even read them), while at the same time minimizing the inevitable backlash you will receive from every single person you evaluate. There are several categories into which your staff members will fall, and each must be evaluated accordingly:
The Hot Girl: Youre not really sure what this girl does, if anything, but she is the only thing about your job that doesnt make you want to kill yourself. All of the other women hate her, but who cares what those ugly whores think.
What her review will say: Positive attitude, works well with others. Willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. Keep up the good work.
What it really means: Given the opportunity, I would love for you to suck me off and let me blow a load all over your face. Keep wearing the tight sweaters and short skirts.
The Bitch: Also known as The Whiner, this is almost always a woman, and although she is relatively competent, she spends most of her fucking day complaining about other personnel and the companys systems. Notorious for repeatedly beginning her sentences with, Where I used to work
What her review will say: Dedicated employee, able to overcome obstacles to complete her responsibilities.
What it really means: If it was so fucking great where you used to work, then why the fuck did you leave? Id tell you to just go back, but I dont want to spend a month interviewing people, when I could end up with someone even worse than your sorry ass.
Could I get my raise in pork rinds?
The Sloth: This person is the laziest fuck you have ever met. No matter how much negative criticism you dish out, this person will never quit because he/she would never make the effort to look for employment elsewhere. You usually cant fire this person either because in todays PC society almost everyone falls into some sort of protected class that would leave the company open for a discrimination lawsuit.
What his/her review will say: You fucking suck fat ass. Do the world a favor and suck a muzzle.
What it really means: You fucking suck fat ass. Do the world a favor and suck a muzzle.
The Superstar:This person is actually the only one who does a good job for you, and it is actually a pleasure to write an evaluation with some legitimate positive feedback. Unfortunately, when this person is told that his/her pay increase is 2.2%, as opposed to the 2.1% that the Sloth got, he/she will just fucking resent you that much more.
What his/her review will say: Consistently exceeds expectations. Diligent, reliable leader. Serves as a role model for the rest of my team.
What it really means: Youre fucking awesome, but you still arent getting any more money than the rest of the worthless fucks in this office.
The Psycho:This is the guy who works quietly and never talks to anyone (except himself) and reads Soldier of Fortune during his breaks and lunch. Whenever you are forced to talk to him he looks at you as though he is going to jam his pencil in your eye and break it off. The goal here is to keep this guy happy so that if he ever goes off the deep end and comes to work on a shooting spree, he will remember your kind words and spare your life.
Payables Clerk / Potential Serial Killer
What his review will say: Diligent, hard-working team player requiring little to no supervision.
What it really means: I am afraid of you. Please dont kill me.
Bottom line - it doesnt matter what you write, because you arent allowed to really tell the truth and unless the big dogs are giving out big-ass raises, youre just fucked. The best thing to do would probably be to just take last years evaluations and change the dates, and save yourself some time.
favorite thing Posted: 12/14/2005by: matt I love DOPE Thanks Posted: 12/7/2005by: D. Wood I love you Wayne. And I don't care who knows. We should collaborate on an article. Sweet!!! Posted: 12/6/2005by: Wayne Adams This was awesome, we must work at the same place!! Cant wait to see what you publish next. Now that the lawyers are away Posted: 12/6/2005by: matt Gotta go woth B. I have also had the full spectrum, and I gotta say B's are the tops. No sag, no fuss, look good in a sweater, and usually are not subject to the flapjacks syndrome. Ahh. . .where is my college girlfriend when I need her. Until tommorrow. Christine Posted: 12/6/2005by: Brenda Della Casa That was the funniest thing I have read yet. It's totally my Molly from now on... pancakes Posted: 12/6/2005by: deuce actually no weight reduction.. and i dated her... and they looked pretty good in clothes too.. but when she unleashed the beasts- my jaw followed them straight to the floor. good body otherwise. South Philly Girl Here Posted: 12/6/2005by: Christine They may all be really horny, but not so rich. I think I live in the slums. There are some Italian mafia guys, but they already have their whores. Also Saggy Cs sound scary Posted: 12/6/2005by: Atlas I am guessing drastic weight reduction. If she had those ugly pancakey things I feel for you. I will be honest I have only heard the horror stories, I have been pretty lucky in my experiences. Its all about selection and patience.
Better than the Lottery Posted: 12/6/2005by: Atlas Horny rich old men. Really a few blow jobs with the right guy, sneak it into the conversation and presto, new cans. I can't sleep in a bra Posted: 12/6/2005by: Christine Thanks for the tip, but nightime is the only time the girls can be free. There is no way to keep DDs perky in your 40s and 50s and that is why I would like to remove them. I was thinking a Full C cup should do the trick. I mean, I don't want to look like a boy, just not like Dolly either. Plus, I always fantasize about jogging. . . that would be nice. Now, I run for like 5 minutes and it is agony. I have shitty insurance so they won't cover the surgery, but once I win the lottery. . . its off with the breasts!!!!
