Somebody fucking help me. Please. I dont know what to do anymore. I am a drug addict. And what makes my problem unusually severe is the drug to which I am addicted. I am addicted to a psychedelic substance known as bufotenin, which is a hallucinogenic tryptamine. What makes this drug unique is its source toads. Yes, I lick toads to get high. Sure, laugh it up but its a serious problem, and the fact that my drug of choice is so obscure makes it all that much worse. We've all seen the after-school specials, but it never really hits home until it happens to someone you love - and then it's too late.
Not only is it difficult to procure but it is also not the most socially acceptable drug to be dependent upon. The toad that produces the sweet, yet evil drug is indigenous primarily to distant, foreign countries and rainforests. The closest habitat of which I am aware is Denver, Colorado, thus making it quite difficult to locate. And just try to find a toad dealer. Its dangerous enough for a skinny white guy to roll into the hood looking for a fix, but just try asking your local dealer for a bag of toads. The responses vary from ridicule to threats of violence. Today, crackhouses are on every other streetcorner, but I have yet to locate any toad houses. Furthermore, in the event that you can find someone connected well enough to offer (or purport to) the precious amphibians for sale, it is very difficult to get high-quality product. On many occasions I have been given a good toad to sample, only to end up with a bunk toad when the final deal is transacted.
Mmmmmm. Toads.
You cant even find the toads for sale on the internet. I must get 20 e-mails a day offering to sell me almost any drug in existence without a prescription. But do any of them offer toads? Hell no. About the only place I know where I can get a solid toad is the zoo, which is where it all began. I worked part time at my local zoo during my college years, where I was introduced to what would become my closest friend as well as my nemesis. I thought that the effects from toad-licking were an urban legend, so one day I secretly licked my first toad just to test the theory. And that was all it took. I was hooked from my first taste. Ever since then, I have been obsessed with the delicious toad nectar. I have tried to stop a thousand times but I just cant do it. I have tried to limit my using to a normal level just one toad, and then Ill stop. But that never happens. After that first lick, I cannot stop until the toads supply has been fully exhausted. And my tolerance has increased so much that I really cant even get high anymore. I turn to the toad first thing every morning the way that most people turn to coffee. I need it just to feel normal. I hide toads all over my house to keep it a secret from my wife, although keeping them quiet is always an issue.
Toad abuse always ends the same.
Now you might be thinking Why not join Narcotics Anonymous or check in to a rehab center? Dont think I havent tried. But oddly enough, there are no support groups for toad-lickers and no rehab center will admit me. Apparently there is no substance that can be used to successfully and safely wean a user off of bufotenin, and believe me, there is nothing worse than toad withdrawals. There is nothing more pathetic than a grown man sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth, licking a cashed toad. Ive even resorted to licking common tree frogs, or whatever other reptiles I could find in my back yard when the real thing was not readily available, knowing full well that the desired effects could not be achieved.
Toad licking is also not a very mainstream practice, believe it or not. Pills you can take very discretely. You can sneak into a bathroom and do a few bumps of cocaine. But holding toads is an inconvenient and highly conspicuous endeavor. Aside from the sound and the ever-present risk of toad piss, the process of ingesting toad juice can be difficult when out in public. For example, the toads venom is secreted as a defense mechanism when the toad feels threatened or frightened. People dont tend to react well when they encounter a strung out toad-head (I made that up myself. Do you like it? No? Fuck you) in a public restroom taunting a toad. But when you are jonesing for a toad, you will do anything to get that fix. One time I was so high, without realizing it I had inadvertently pulled a toad from my pocket and began licking it in a crowded restaurant. Try coming up with an excuse to explain that one. And sex while toading is fucking amazing! But I have yet to find a plausible way to introduce a toad into the bedroom environment.
Because of my toad abuse, I have lost my job and have almost nothing left in my bank account. Im guessing that when my wife discovers our lack of funds that will be the last straw and she will finally divorce me. Its probably better that way. I wont drag her down with me, and then I can just be alone to slowly continue my long, drawn-out suicide a la toad. Given the lack of research on the subject, Im not exactly sure how much it would take to OD on toads, or if it is even possible to do so. Maybe if I cook a toad down and mainline it that would do the trick. But Im sure that the toad toxin must be killing me somehow, and I also stand a pretty good chance of dying in a car accident while driving all toaded up. So unless someone can provide me with an alternative to help me kick this habit, I will continue to abuse the toad until I do the world a favor and die. Damn you toad. Damn you all to hell.
Simpsons Posted: 1/7/2006by: Alex Homer's toad liking was a running subplot on the Simpson's episode where Homer became a missionary after defrauding PBS.
Since Family Guy has yet to do an episode which wasn't at least 70% lifted from a Simpsons episode, I'm sure they had a toad liking episode, too. good read Posted: 1/4/2006by: matt Funyn stuff. and I think The Simpsons did it beofre Family guy when Homer was in the tree licking toads sporadically through the episode. I am sure there is someone that can tell me the episode title and number. Who knew? Posted: 1/3/2006by: PoppaSmurf Who knew there was such animosity between the fans of the Simpsons and the fans of The Family Guy. I doubt anyone on TFG staff would deny the influence of the Simpsons, and to infer that the people who enjoy the Simpsons don't get the jokes on the Family Guy is pretty funny. Certainly the endless stream of pop-culture references on TFG might fly over the head of people who haven't made it their life's goal to master every 90's quiz in the back of Entertainment Weekly, but the Simpson's is just a guilty of peppering their show with obscure references, bot visual and dialog based, that are lost on most of the audience. The Simpsons happens to cast its net for refrences a bit wider, but to the same clever-over-comic effect.
Both of those shows have their moments, and I would go so far as to say they are two of the funniest shows on television. But in my opinion, their best comedy is not when Homer gets chased by the ball from The Prisoner, or when Peter gets a medel along side Chewbacca. Billdo Posted: 1/3/2006by: Billdo To even compare The Simpsons to Family Guy is completely retarded. Yeah, I can see how some people love the Simpsons... but they are also the people who probably don't understand 3/4 of the jokes on Family Guy. Kinda like comparing Leno viewers to Letterman/Conan viewers.
Have fun watching Headlines later, you stupid bastards. Sheesh! Posted: 1/3/2006by: Danielle Touchy... Did you think no one other than yourself had seen that episode? I'm not trying to pick fights or talk crap, I'm just saying as "original" as everyone seems to find the concept, I found it "familiar".
Maybe next time you can write about when Peter punched a woman that looked like a man and was forced to go to a seminar that essentially turned him into a chick and... well, you can re-watch the episode and take it from there. Good luck and happy writing! Danielle Posted: 1/3/2006by: D. Wood The Family Guy was Clever too when it first came out...as The Simpsons. Danielle Posted: 1/3/2006by: Jack Man Yeah, I know. Im very clever. Jack Posted: 1/3/2006by: Danielle Oooh... you got me good! Danielle Posted: 1/3/2006by: Jack Man Fuck off. Original? Posted: 1/3/2006by: Danielle Sure... When The Family Guy did it in the second season.
