In all seriousness, I love my one and three year-old daughters more than anything on the face of this Earth. Aside from the obvious tax benefits, children serve an array of purposes, which are both practical and highly entertaining.
First of all, nothing is more attractive to a woman than a single father. Im not actually single, but the ring comes off with a little elbow grease. I meet so many hot women at the park with my girls, and as soon as they hear that my wife was tragically killed in a combine accident, Im in like Flynn. Sometimes I can even manage to get my eyes to water while telling the story. Of course, many of the moms I meet are married, but you know what they say: A ring dont plug no hole.
Having small children also gives you complete license to play all kinds of childrens games that you never get to play anymore, and to watch TV shows that you would otherwise be criticized for watching. "Blues Clues" rocks and "Dora the Explorer" is awesome (Im learning lots of Spanish). Mark my words - Doras going to be one hot little mamacita when she grows up. When you are playing Chutes and Ladders with a three-year old, if you hit a streak of bad luck, you can always cheat they have no idea. Its great! And at the same time, you are teaching them life-lessons like how life isnt always fair. Everyones a winner.
Kids are also surprisingly funny. They say and do shit youd never imagine they would. My three year-old is still insanely jealous of her younger sister, and her repertoire includes a variety of amusing threats of violence. She says things like, I want to smash Jillians face and I want to put her in the oven. I honestly dont know where she gets it. The other day I actually caught her trying to wedge her baby sister into her Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven. I know its disturbing, but its still funny. Dont get me wrong - at first I was worried, and I still wont leave the two of them alone together. I even checked for the 666. Although, in retrospect, I probably shouldnt have shaved her head. Youd never know by looking at her that my angel would have it in her to be so mean. The picture above might seem to portray an older sister giving her baby sister a kiss, but its actually a snapshot of the time-honored tradition of holding your younger sibling down and spitting in her face(And yes, those are my real kids).
And they will also say and do virtually whatever you tell them to. One time I had my oldest say to one of her Mothers friends who was visiting that, Mommy touches me in my special place. Of course my wife has no sense of humor, so the joke was totally wasted on her. And when I had her tell Mommy that, This is not working out. I want a new Mommy, she actually broke down in tears. Women are way too sensitive.
Kids really do say the darndest things.
Another handy trick is to tell my oldest to throw a tantrum and run outside after a meal at a restaurant. That way I can run after her, with no one realizing that I am skipping out on the tab until its too late.
Children make wonderful scapegoats as well. Who accidentally broke Mommys gay plate with the childrens handprints on them? The kids. Who accidentally knocked the ridiculously expensive Lladro ceramic thing off the shelf in a drunken stupor and smashed it? The kids.
So if you dont have kids already, I highly recommend them. They provide hours of entertainment and can even be taught to perform simple tasks. I dont know what Id do without them. Id probably have to talk to my wife.
Hilarious Posted: 2/20/2006by: Andy I don't usually post on this, but this shit had me on the floor. Seriously - no let down at all, I was dying.
Keep it up man. Jesse and Wayne Posted: 2/19/2006by: D. Wood Thanks for backing me up guys. I feel so loved. What a cock gobbler Posted: 2/18/2006by: Wayne You should be ashamed D. Wood, you are such a shitty husband. First you call her a cunt. You get addicted to licking toads. You openly talk about how you think young girls are so hot NOW THAT YOU ARE SO OLD, I ve yet to hear you say one nice thing about your wife. How do you think it made her feel when you decided to start a cult and not even mention making her vice president or something. But now, you have really taken it to an all time low, using her own flesh and blood to hurt her. What kind of sick fuck would EXPLOIT his children just to crush his wifes feelings? See you in hell! Go play chess or something you FAG!
The sad thing is, that Im only joking, but Im sure there are many assholes (obviously) out there that really think so literally. I picture them trying to figure out how to hit you with as many 1's as possible to further their cause. To me, that is the coolest thing and makes this all worth it! Party on brother and keep us laughing our women hating asses off!.
Invasion of the Numbskulls Posted: 2/18/2006by: Jesse L. Jesus, what's with the influx of pussies on to this site? Especially the sissified, feminized men who want to show how 'respectful' they are to women?
Newsflash: Those of you who want to trumpet for the world how much you 'respect' women are just doin' it for the booty. Women are smart, they realize that, and they're onto you. Nice try, dicks. Some of us respect women enough to be honest with them. Unlike you eunechs (sic).
Oh, and get the fuck off this site if you're going to be sticks-in-the-mud. Go read Daily Kos, you fucking candy-asses.
D. Wood- awesome stuff, as usual. Keep on keepin' on, man. Sorry to hijack, but I had to get your back. CHARLIE Posted: 2/18/2006by: D. Wood It is humor you fucking idiot. Do you believe everything you read? Just a thought Posted: 2/17/2006by: Charlie Tho I am probably only supposed to agree with you and proclaim my adoration for your talent as a writer/story teller, I cant help but think that youre a disgusting excuse for both a husband and a father. Try to remember that your little girls are going to grow up one day. Would you like them married to an asshole like yourself? Hillarous! Posted: 2/17/2006by: J. Kaiss dude, you rock This Sucks Posted: 2/15/2006by: Destruct-o Ha, ha just kidding D-wood. You're practically my 2nd favorite writer on the TPP. Keep writing priceless gems like these and you're destined for greatness! lol great article Posted: 2/15/2006by: DB This is not working out. I want a new Mommy, Priceless this is awesome! Posted: 2/15/2006by: albanian guy D Wood you are the man. Love his shit, hates his wife almost as much as I hate mine.
