I had sex with a llama this weekend. No seriously- a fucking llama! It was either that or I was gonna have to rock the Stranger for the 200th time this year. In fact, the closet thing Ive gotten to some pussy this year was a two-year old can of pineapple rings that my German shepherd, Wilt, ate off of my dick last week while we were helping sniff out old land mines at Gitmo. Sadly, Wilt did find an active mine with his nose, but at least I saw more action than Stealth or The Island. Looks like some of you ass-licking, lazy maggots finally took my word for something and stayed away from those flaming bags of runny shit like I keep trying to tell you to. Ive been a little depressed that they had to take Scarlett Come Rub On My Johannson, and Jessica Dirty Knees Biehl down with them. I hope the ladies recover from starring in garbage movies that tanked, but if not Id be more than willing to help console them, with my cock. Heres hoping Hollywood leaves Michael Bay and anything involving evil artificial intelligence at home for the next few summers. Now on to the reviews!
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Its hard to think of Mark Wahlberg as a tough guy, especially after his shit-eating grin ruined Planet Of The Apes, The Truth About Charlie, and The Italian Job. Maybe he shouldnt wear all the blame for those though, since they were all remakes of far better films. But his style, or lack thereof, is just honestly suited to more campy roles like Dirk Diggler, Izzy in Rockstar, and Tommy Corn from I Heart Huckabees. No one ever expected him to really act, since it was pretty much the billboard of his cock hanging high above Sunset Boulevard that got him any acting work in the first place. Why try so hard? Personally, I'd rather see Adrian Grenier, who plays Marks alto ego on "Entourage", as a tough guy than him. In fact, somehow this movie feels like an attempt by Marky Mark to steal back his own thunder from the TV show based on his life. With Tyrese and Andre 3000 playing his adopted brothers, along with unknown Garrett Hedlund, it feels like Mr. Feel The Vibrations is trying to bring his Funky Bunch style up-to-date on the big screen. But with no Ari Gold, the group dynamic in Brothers feels about as natural as inviting nuns to your first circle jerk. It brings new meaning to "rubbing out the habit", doesnt it? The movie does a decent job of being entertaining, mostly because director John Singelton leaves his Higher Learning at home and attempts to undo the subconscious clichs of Boyz in The Hood. But nonetheless, this flick is basically Get Carter crossed with "Diffrent Strokes". At least Marky Marks love interest isnt the man-shouldered Mandy Please No Moore, like on "Entourage". Id love to see Turtle and Andre 3000 join forces to chase her down and kill her off more than seeing Marks new Funky Bunch chase down his adoptive mothers killers in this twisty revenge flick. Four Brothers is a decent watch, but the left-out New Kid was closer to pulp gold with The Big Hit than this underdone actioner.
Ive loved Rob Schneider ever since his star making turn in Judge Dread. Or maybe it was his sensational performance in Down Persicope that did it for me. No, seriously, I think it was the combination of Necessary Roughness, Home Alone 2, and Surf Ninjas that really sold me on his witty quips. Or maybe Im completely pulling your leg and his movies suck ass. I dont doubt that the guy might somehow be funny in some alternate Superfriends black hole universe, but this 83-minute runback of the same jokes in a different location doesnt make me want to do anything short of slitting my wrists with a spork. To say that Eddie Griffin is the funniest thing in this movie is honestly the best compliment I can muster, which is a stretch, considering that he is about as funny as a barium enema. So the movie is basically about Griffins character duping Deuce into turning tricks European-style to help solve the mystery of why Europes man-whores are getting offed left and right. It might be a mildly funny concept, but does anybody really want to see 83 minutes of anything where the premise is Rob Schneider having sex? Even if it is with 72 women that look like the Governator or Russian belly dancers from Chernobyl that have mutant penis noses... the premise just kind of makes me nauseas. Ball munching cats and left over Sea World trainer jokes from 50 First Dates cant even make this slapstick specticle even as good as The Animal. I know Rob is Adam Sandlers butt boy, but youd think he could at least give him better hand-me-down jokes than Robs mugshot being a SuChin Pak punchline, or throwing a midget out a window. If you insist on seeing a bad comedy, Id say youd be better off watching Schneiders fellow SNL allum Martin Short in Jiminy Glick at the dollar theater than spending ten bucks on this waste of celluloid.
Maybe if she had any boobs at all I would even give a shit about this movie, but this chick is steak sauce all the way. You know, A1? Like, zero boobage. Dont get me wrong, I would damage her uterus, but honestly Id probably be thinking about her moms days on "Laugh In" just to keep it up for Miss Flatty McFlatterson. You know I love a good tit flash as much as the next guy, but without the drug references, I bet Almost Famous could have gotten a PG rating, since seeing Kate Hudson topless is about as risqu as changing a four-year old boy's t-shirt. Anyway, youve seen this movie before. It's voodoo and suspense made into a horror movie, minus the really creepy scenes. At least Angel Heart had numerous shots of everyones favorite pudding pop-eating Cosby slut Lisa Bonet taking it balls-deep. This movie attempts to be The Others crossed with The Ring or maybe The Serpent And The Rainbow, but in reality is no more entertaining than watching an episode of "Scare Tactics". At least that show is intentionally funny at times. This movie draws out the creepiness as if it might lend them more impact, but absent are those moments that actually get to you, like the hobbling scene in Delores Clairborne, or the second Double Quarter Pounder of the day in Super Size Me. This movie might be good if you want a Dark Movie to grope you date in and to run the old "dick in the popcorn bucket" trick, but other than that Ive already forgotten that I ever saw it.
AKA Bikini Cavegirl (on Cable)
Heres a brilliant idea. Take a cast full of real porno stars and shoot a cheesy sci-fi movie with bad special effects that has absolutely no merit in the cinematic landscape. When you cant sell it as a porno, just edit around the actual cock and balls getting buried in some axe wound and sell it to Blockbuster. When Blockbuster wont take it, change the name and sell it to Cinemax as another addition to their late-night marathon of breasts and barebacks. What is most surprising about this movie is not that cheese dick star Evan Stone actually resembles a cro-magnon man, but that the naturally pretty Jezebelle Bond is actually cute and funny. I would have never guessed she could actually act a little after having seen her in Gob Swappers, Lick My Balls, and Ass Eaters Unanimous 4. Maybe those directors just didnt want her to make the rest of the cast look bad. High marks also go to the thick lips of relatively new-comer Kennedy Johnston (and Im not not talking about her smackers, Im talking about her flappers). The hot tub scene between her and Jezebelle will probably keep you from ever seeing the twist at the end of this Encino Man-like T&A fest, but who cares. Director/writer/producer Fred Olen Ray only includes enough plot and cheesy special effects to get you from one breast and ass-baring scrump fest to the next. Im pretty sure most of the sex is real in this movie, which gives it more than a leg up on your average Shannon Tweed or Andy Sidaris fare. So even though it only earns 2 severed ears on my regular scale, it gets four squirts of Jergens and a left-handed jerk on my rub and tug Skin-A-Max scale.
Holy fuck on a cross! First Hollywood gave us Wedding Crashers, which was one of the first comedies that was actually funny to hit the big screen since Fletch. Now Hollywood is attempting the unheard of, a sitcom that actually has comedy in its situations! Its not surprising that this show is on F/X, the same cable net that gave us dramatic winners like "Nip/Tuck", "The Shield" "Over There" and "Rescue Me" and that pushed the limits just enough to create good television that wasnt reserved for HBO. So whats so funny about "Its Always Sunny"? Well, cancer, abortion, racism, and underage drinking, for starters. And for dessert, how about the hottest chick youve ever seen on TV having a bulging mushroom tip showing through her hip huggers? Thats right, you cant go wrong with a chicks-with-dicks gag. Or how about dating a black chick so your friends dont think youre racist, or using your friend being diagnosed with cancer as an opportunity to bang the girl he likes? Oh, and the aforementioned tranny is still pursued by one of the shows characters, even after he knows she has a cock and balls. Thats how hot she is. Thank god PC is finally dead again. If I ever see women spelled with a Y again, I swear I will throw all my Ani DiFranco CDs out of a moving car window. The show obviously wont last long, since no one knows that it is on, and, more importantly, because it is actually worth watching; so I highly recommend watching as many episodes as you can before F/X attempts to erase it from existence like the shows character Charlie attempts to erase his unborn child from existence. Hilarious!
I hate reality TV with a passion that I normally reserve for homicidal third-world dictators and Lindsey Lohan. When Donald Trump says, Youre fired or another sweaty slob gets kicked off of "Survivor Panama", my heart actually sinks, because I know that fucking idiot is no longer just some tool sequestered away on a TV set, but once again is another fucking asshole free to roam the streets that I might run into and have to tear into tiny little pieces with my bare hands. I guess thats why "Kill Reality" is actually kind of fun. I mean, who wouldnt want to see Bachelor Bob get his heart driven through his chest as he is impaled? Who could hate a show where a movie director forces "Survivors" Jenna Lewis to do full frontal nudity? Plus, theyre all the worst fucking actors in the world, so seeing them attempt to do real parts is really fucking funny. The show also includes the most important part of a successful reality show: the hot tub. How is the plot ever supposed to move with out a hot tub present? "Kill Reality" is basically the last "Project Greenlight" crossed with "The Real World". In fact, this is probably the best new show on E! since "Talk Soup" in the John Henson days, or that "Girls Gone Wild" paid advertisement that they run at three in the morning. It certainly beats the shit out of watching Tara Reid and her lopsided nipples hosting "Wild On" now. Regardless, seeing hacks who should have never been on TV in the first place going through the motions of making a horror movie is just plain old fun, and it keeps them off the streets long enough for me to get through the waiting period in California and have a couple of new guns waiting for me for when they get done filming.
Next Week: The 40-Year Old Virgin, Red Eye (no, its not a bukkake film), & more!
If you could see someone get their hands on message board commenters Steve or Ron Freeman, what would you enjoy seeing done with them? Personally, I think it would be neat-o to hear about either one having his pinky cut from his right hand with a piece of piano wire and then logged into his brain through his left nostril. But thats just my take. Id rather hear what you guys come up with.
Ah, Ruth Posted: 8/29/2005by: YoMama You're a stupid cunt. I'd like to impart some more filth for you, a joke courtesy of the new movie The Aristocrats:
A family of four - the husband, wife, their young son and cute little daughter, walk into a hollywood booking agent's office with their family cat, Fluffy. The tell the agent "We have a family act we think you'll love!" So the agent leans back, lights a cigar, and says "Okay, you have five minutes. Wow me."
Before the agent can put down his lighter the entire family strips naked, and the mom starts to blow the little son while the daughter crouches down and takes Dad's cock in her mouth. After a while, they switch, with Dad shoving his wet cock in his son's ass while the daughter licks Dad's brown eye and Mom fists the daughter. The son loses control of his bowel movements and sprays shit all over the office and covers his dad's cock with the shit and blood. He pulls out, takes Fluffy the family cat and shoves it head first up his wife's pussy so that only the hind legs and tail hang out, then butt fucks the cat with his brown and red dick. Meanwhile, the daughter licks the runny shit off the floor, swallows, then pukes into her brother's mouth. After she gets done puking the daughter takes a step and slips, hitting her eye into the corner of the desk and poking her eyeball out. Dad sees this as an opportuniy, pulls out of Fluffy and starts to fuck his daughter's ocular cavity. The momentum of his thrusts scramble his daughter's frontal lobe, and she collapses into the pile of shit, puke and blood, dead. Dad grabs his son and they jerk each other off onto the daughter's lifeless, quivering body.
when they're all done, the agent stammers "My dear GOD! What do you call this act?"
The father looks up and says: "The Aristocrats!"
Have a great week, everyone. By the way, go see the Aristocrats. A mime performs that joke. Ruth!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posted: 8/18/2005by: Ron Mexico Ruth, for someone who inadvertantly stumbled across this site and was so deeply offended as you claim to be, you certainly seem to be doing a lot of posting. If it bothers you, go away. You bother me, but I would never make derogatory posts on a site shared by you and your church lady friends. If this offends you, just don't come back. Seriously though, judging by Ruth's syntax, I'm sure she's a very nice lady.............for a black woman. I can't believe it! Posted: 8/16/2005by: Ruth Mr. Napalm:
As high as the real estate is in California, I don't believe I will be prostitutiing my children anytime soon. I thank for the offer and my God have mercy on your soul. Thanks For The Roast Posted: 8/14/2005by: Ron Freeman I am glad to see that my comments have made such an impression on all the white folks out there. I have to say that some of the things that the readers would like to do to me are not too nice. The back of the bus comment was the best by far. Judging by the correct gramatical structure and coherent sentences, I assume that none of you are black. Bleck! Posted: 8/13/2005by: Jasimine Deuce Bigelow really sucked. Wish I had read the review before spending 10.50 plus 6 for parking and another 10 for junk food. Now I am fat, broke and dissapointed. isn't that special... Posted: 8/13/2005by: johnny g. the answer to the question: buckwheats! -and piss is sterile. good for flushing wounds in the absence of potable water. you can survive drinking someone else's piss, but not your own. ask me how i know...
Goddamn! Posted: 8/12/2005by: Ray I hope to Christ that post from Ruth was some bullshit. I'd hate to see her face when she stumbles across Assplay.com or Farmfriends.com! Hah Hah Hah! Posted: 8/12/2005by: Napalm That is the funniest thing I have ever read on our site! Ruth I appologize for the filth you and your children were forced to witness here at the Phat Phree today. As a peace offering I would like to give your children two summer long passes to Napalm Jones' Summer Camp. During the day we hunt, mostly people. After supper we watch enough cinemax that each 12 year old boy fills a big gulp cup with love dribbles. And then late at night we scare the shit out of the kids until they learn how to swear like truckers. Did I mention that you still have to pay for all the live amo? See you at the drop off point. I am dissapointed Posted: 8/12/2005by: Ruth I am a mother of two and found this site when looking for Hot dog on a stick locations near my house in Rancho Bernardo, Ca. I am extremely outraged by the filth and vulgarity that seems to be on every page of this sophmoric site. The language, captions, pictures are all just terrible. I hope the writers and readers of this site learn that this type of vulagarity has consequenses on future generations. I suggest you all stop staring at your computers and pick up the Bible. What? Posted: 8/12/2005by: Joe M. please don't tell me anyone takes these reviews seriously. sure there is some funny stuff in there, but the reviews themselves are total bullshit. I bet this guy doesn't even see half of these fucking movies! and if he does, I hope phatphree.com pays him a ton of money to watch all of this crap.
i would like to see ron get his package smashed with a fire extinguisher. steve is cool by me.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Its hard to think of Mark Wahlberg as a tough guy, especially after his shit-eating grin ruined Planet Of The Apes, The Truth About Charlie, and The Italian Job. Maybe he shouldnt wear all the blame for those though, since they were all remakes of far better films. But his style, or lack thereof, is just honestly suited to more campy roles like Dirk Diggler, Izzy in Rockstar, and Tommy Corn from I Heart Huckabees. No one ever expected him to really act, since it was pretty much the billboard of his cock hanging high above Sunset Boulevard that got him any acting work in the first place. Why try so hard? Personally, I'd rather see Adrian Grenier, who plays Marks alto ego on "Entourage", as a tough guy than him. In fact, somehow this movie feels like an attempt by Marky Mark to steal back his own thunder from the TV show based on his life. With Tyrese and Andre 3000 playing his adopted brothers, along with unknown Garrett Hedlund, it feels like Mr. Feel The Vibrations is trying to bring his Funky Bunch style up-to-date on the big screen. But with no Ari Gold, the group dynamic in Brothers feels about as natural as inviting nuns to your first circle jerk. It brings new meaning to "rubbing out the habit", doesnt it? The movie does a decent job of being entertaining, mostly because director John Singelton leaves his Higher Learning at home and attempts to undo the subconscious clichs of Boyz in The Hood. But nonetheless, this flick is basically Get Carter crossed with "Diffrent Strokes". At least Marky Marks love interest isnt the man-shouldered Mandy Please No Moore, like on "Entourage". Id love to see Turtle and Andre 3000 join forces to chase her down and kill her off more than seeing Marks new Funky Bunch chase down his adoptive mothers killers in this twisty revenge flick. Four Brothers is a decent watch, but the left-out New Kid was closer to pulp gold with The Big Hit than this underdone actioner.
Ive loved Rob Schneider ever since his star making turn in Judge Dread. Or maybe it was his sensational performance in Down Persicope that did it for me. No, seriously, I think it was the combination of Necessary Roughness, Home Alone 2, and Surf Ninjas that really sold me on his witty quips. Or maybe Im completely pulling your leg and his movies suck ass. I dont doubt that the guy might somehow be funny in some alternate Superfriends black hole universe, but this 83-minute runback of the same jokes in a different location doesnt make me want to do anything short of slitting my wrists with a spork. To say that Eddie Griffin is the funniest thing in this movie is honestly the best compliment I can muster, which is a stretch, considering that he is about as funny as a barium enema. So the movie is basically about Griffins character duping Deuce into turning tricks European-style to help solve the mystery of why Europes man-whores are getting offed left and right. It might be a mildly funny concept, but does anybody really want to see 83 minutes of anything where the premise is Rob Schneider having sex? Even if it is with 72 women that look like the Governator or Russian belly dancers from Chernobyl that have mutant penis noses... the premise just kind of makes me nauseas. Ball munching cats and left over Sea World trainer jokes from 50 First Dates cant even make this slapstick specticle even as good as The Animal. I know Rob is Adam Sandlers butt boy, but youd think he could at least give him better hand-me-down jokes than Robs mugshot being a SuChin Pak punchline, or throwing a midget out a window. If you insist on seeing a bad comedy, Id say youd be better off watching Schneiders fellow SNL allum Martin Short in Jiminy Glick at the dollar theater than spending ten bucks on this waste of celluloid.
Maybe if she had any boobs at all I would even give a shit about this movie, but this chick is steak sauce all the way. You know, A1? Like, zero boobage. Dont get me wrong, I would damage her uterus, but honestly Id probably be thinking about her moms days on "Laugh In" just to keep it up for Miss Flatty McFlatterson. You know I love a good tit flash as much as the next guy, but without the drug references, I bet Almost Famous could have gotten a PG rating, since seeing Kate Hudson topless is about as risqu as changing a four-year old boy's t-shirt. Anyway, youve seen this movie before. It's voodoo and suspense made into a horror movie, minus the really creepy scenes. At least Angel Heart had numerous shots of everyones favorite pudding pop-eating Cosby slut Lisa Bonet taking it balls-deep. This movie attempts to be The Others crossed with The Ring or maybe The Serpent And The Rainbow, but in reality is no more entertaining than watching an episode of "Scare Tactics". At least that show is intentionally funny at times. This movie draws out the creepiness as if it might lend them more impact, but absent are those moments that actually get to you, like the hobbling scene in Delores Clairborne, or the second Double Quarter Pounder of the day in Super Size Me. This movie might be good if you want a Dark Movie to grope you date in and to run the old "dick in the popcorn bucket" trick, but other than that Ive already forgotten that I ever saw it.
Heres a brilliant idea. Take a cast full of real porno stars and shoot a cheesy sci-fi movie with bad special effects that has absolutely no merit in the cinematic landscape. When you cant sell it as a porno, just edit around the actual cock and balls getting buried in some axe wound and sell it to Blockbuster. When Blockbuster wont take it, change the name and sell it to Cinemax as another addition to their late-night marathon of breasts and barebacks. What is most surprising about this movie is not that cheese dick star Evan Stone actually resembles a cro-magnon man, but that the naturally pretty Jezebelle Bond is actually cute and funny. I would have never guessed she could actually act a little after having seen her in Gob Swappers, Lick My Balls, and Ass Eaters Unanimous 4. Maybe those directors just didnt want her to make the rest of the cast look bad. High marks also go to the thick lips of relatively new-comer Kennedy Johnston (and Im not not talking about her smackers, Im talking about her flappers). The hot tub scene between her and Jezebelle will probably keep you from ever seeing the twist at the end of this Encino Man-like T&A fest, but who cares. Director/writer/producer Fred Olen Ray only includes enough plot and cheesy special effects to get you from one breast and ass-baring scrump fest to the next. Im pretty sure most of the sex is real in this movie, which gives it more than a leg up on your average Shannon Tweed or Andy Sidaris fare. So even though it only earns 2 severed ears on my regular scale, it gets four squirts of Jergens and a left-handed jerk on my rub and tug Skin-A-Max scale.
Holy fuck on a cross! First Hollywood gave us Wedding Crashers, which was one of the first comedies that was actually funny to hit the big screen since Fletch. Now Hollywood is attempting the unheard of, a sitcom that actually has comedy in its situations! Its not surprising that this show is on F/X, the same cable net that gave us dramatic winners like "Nip/Tuck", "The Shield" "Over There" and "Rescue Me" and that pushed the limits just enough to create good television that wasnt reserved for HBO. So whats so funny about "Its Always Sunny"? Well, cancer, abortion, racism, and underage drinking, for starters. And for dessert, how about the hottest chick youve ever seen on TV having a bulging mushroom tip showing through her hip huggers? Thats right, you cant go wrong with a chicks-with-dicks gag. Or how about dating a black chick so your friends dont think youre racist, or using your friend being diagnosed with cancer as an opportunity to bang the girl he likes? Oh, and the aforementioned tranny is still pursued by one of the shows characters, even after he knows she has a cock and balls. Thats how hot she is. Thank god PC is finally dead again. If I ever see women spelled with a Y again, I swear I will throw all my Ani DiFranco CDs out of a moving car window. The show obviously wont last long, since no one knows that it is on, and, more importantly, because it is actually worth watching; so I highly recommend watching as many episodes as you can before F/X attempts to erase it from existence like the shows character Charlie attempts to erase his unborn child from existence. Hilarious!
I hate reality TV with a passion that I normally reserve for homicidal third-world dictators and Lindsey Lohan. When Donald Trump says, Youre fired or another sweaty slob gets kicked off of "Survivor Panama", my heart actually sinks, because I know that fucking idiot is no longer just some tool sequestered away on a TV set, but once again is another fucking asshole free to roam the streets that I might run into and have to tear into tiny little pieces with my bare hands. I guess thats why "Kill Reality" is actually kind of fun. I mean, who wouldnt want to see Bachelor Bob get his heart driven through his chest as he is impaled? Who could hate a show where a movie director forces "Survivors" Jenna Lewis to do full frontal nudity? Plus, theyre all the worst fucking actors in the world, so seeing them attempt to do real parts is really fucking funny. The show also includes the most important part of a successful reality show: the hot tub. How is the plot ever supposed to move with out a hot tub present? "Kill Reality" is basically the last "Project Greenlight" crossed with "The Real World". In fact, this is probably the best new show on E! since "Talk Soup" in the John Henson days, or that "Girls Gone Wild" paid advertisement that they run at three in the morning. It certainly beats the shit out of watching Tara Reid and her lopsided nipples hosting "Wild On" now. Regardless, seeing hacks who should have never been on TV in the first place going through the motions of making a horror movie is just plain old fun, and it keeps them off the streets long enough for me to get through the waiting period in California and have a couple of new guns waiting for me for when they get done filming.
