Now that George Lucas has enough money to buy a medium sized continent, its time we get back to the rest of this summers foray into your wallets. But first, I must note that on second viewing of Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, I feel compelled to mention a few minor things. First, Mary Shelly called and she wants her monster back. Noooooo! Second, when Anakin gets denied membership as a full Jedi master and says, What? to Yoda and Mace Windu, I could not help but to jump out of my seat and scream SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time. That would have kept the whiny little shit from turning to the darkside if Mace had gotten all Jewels on his lilly white ass. And finally its nice to know that a woman carrying twins will only gain about 7 pounds and give birth with rapid-fire ease and precision. I couldnt believe Obi Wan didnt offer to cut the cord with his light saber. Now that everyone is all forced out its time to get back to business.
Joe Pesci Rating Scale: (5 good 1 bad) PPPPP Tommy DeVito What the FUCK is so funny about me? PPPP Nicky Santoro I'll squash your head like a fuckin' grapefruit if you don't give me a name! PPP Vinny Gambibi Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? PP David Ferrie Who killed Kennedy? It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma! The fuckin' shooters don't even know! P Leo Getz Okay, okay, okay, okay, this is the best part okay? p Little p is for shooting Spider in the foot.
MOVIES: The Longest Yard PPP
Remake number 6,742 for 2005. Yeah! I know many of you may not have been alive in the 70s, but you all have Netflix or Blockbuster membership, so heres my proposal. Ill give you a list of all the sweet movies that were made between 1965 and 1995. Then you can put them in your queue and watch them at your leisure. Think of the millions we could save Hollywood if they didnt have to remake great movies just because a few twelve year olds havent seen it yet. Not to mention that Burt Reynolds wouldnt have to go around slapping CBS reporters for having not seen the original. I would understand if the guy hadnt seen Stroker Ace or Malone, but I saw the original Longest Yard after my final tour in Nam and it was a damn good movie. This version aint half bad either, but Adam Sandbagler can't touch a clean-shaven Burt in his heyday.
The Exorcist Dominion p
So is this the sequel to the prequel or a second prequel to the previous sequels prequel. And more importantly does anyone give an unholy head spinning fuck either way! Basically this movie was shelved to release, of all things, a Renny I Sank Carolco with Cutthroat Island Harlin prequel, Exorcist the Beginning. And oh what good fortune! Someone decided this movie was so good after all, that they would release up against Star Wars Episode 3. If all that doesnt tell you how much this movie sucks, then how about this. I would rather watch Rosie ODonnell ass rape Ted Nugent. That would be far more entertaining and scary than seeing yet another movie about a priest in a crisis of faith that stumbles upon someone possessed by the devil.
Madagascar PP
Fucking Schwimmer! I thought now that Friends was off the air the cast might go out and take some quality movies. Personally I was hoping Schwimmer could get his buddies Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anniston to co-star with him in the sequel to his 1997 hit movie Breast Men. Ainsley Hayes tit flash in the first one was a classic moment and I would certainly pay $10.50 to see him give Anistons milk bags the once over. Instead I get Schwimmer hamming it up with Chris Rock and Ben Stiller, who, by the way, has appeared in almost as many movies in the past 2 years as there have been awful remakes of good movies. This movie seems like it was based on the last batch of pansies I trained as a drill Sergeant. Theyre all high and mighty stateside, but as soon as they hit the jungle they shit their pants and roll around in it for warmth and comfort. Heres what should have happened. Exotic, domesticated animals get shipped to Africa. Two of them die in transport and a third is eaten the second they are set free because it is a weak and inferior food source for the waiting animals. The one that survives feeding time is killed by Dutch poachers and mounted on the wall of some European pub. Realistic fun for the whole family!
DVD: Chappelle Season 2 DVD PPPPP
Speaking of mother fuckers who get dropped off in Africa I hope all you fans are ready to wear a groove in the Rick James episode, because it looks like that's all your gonna get for a while. Youve seen the jokes, youve memorized the jokes, youve told the jokes to your buddies ten million times and now for the first time you can own them in your very own home! But I will warn you right now that the answer to What did the five fingers say to the face is, I will break both your arms and then extract each one of your sperm individually with a syringe if you even think about slapping me. It is time for people to jump on the other sketches that make this one of the all time best sketch comedy shows. My personal favorites are Knee-high Park, Tyrone Biggums on Fear Factor, Who Knows Black People, and the classic Wayne Brady Sketch. I wish I could say something bad about Dave, but I know hes chilling out in South Africa right now smoking the phattest blunt of all time with some mutherfucker talking at him in clicks and pops, coming up with the funniest shit ever for when he finally decides that his little bout with the Carribean Flu is over.
TV: Alias Season Finale P
If you missed the Alias season finale dont worry. It should be easy to explain. Sidneys dad is not her sisters dad but her evil boss is and Sidneys mom is an evil Russian spy who is helping capture her more evil Russian spy sister who raised her daughter, but didnt raise Sydney. Then the more evil sister of the Russian mothers teamed up with the more evil dad of the two sisters to create a menacing ball of water from a 300-year-old manuscript that might destroy the world if one of the pairs of sisters doesnt kill their sibling before the zombies stop them. Right about the time people started getting attacked by zombies was the when I puked in my own mouth and swallowed it back from laughing so hard. I watched just long enough to catch the rogue special effects that escaped from the WB threatening the world. They could have made a better-looking ball of water on my old TurboGraphix16. Id say this show was interesting because of the Bennifer hype, but thinking about Affleck bending the manly Garner over is about as hot as Affleck bending over Matt Damon.
MUSIC: Audioslave Out Of Exile PPp Rage against the garden? Or is it sound against the machine? How bout we send you boys back into exile to actually finish this record. There are definitely good moments on this shiny new coaster but they are wrapped up in sloppy production and Chris Cornells desire to look at himself in the mirror for hours on end. It almost makes me long for the days when Zach DelaRocha was preaching the benefits of communism to our susceptible youth. As foolish and misguided as that commie traitor bastard was at least he put more emotion in his music than the watered down dreck presented by this bunch.
Gorillaz Demon Days PP I wonder if cartoons have the ability to the lick hairy, bulbous flesh at the edge of my ass crack? Judging from this record it sure sounds like they do. What was once an innovative amalgam of brilliant musicians now sounds like a mash up of Black Eye Peas and Wayne Newton. The addition of Danger Mouse to this project does nothing to make up for the loss of Dan The Automator as one of the creative minds behind the musical end of this project. Maybe these cartoon rockers can draw and extra zero on the end of their sales, because I dont think this mediocre record is going anywhere.
(Please feel free to post your favorite moments or lines from Chappelle Show. I'm really curious to know if anyone remebers anything besides "I'm Rick James Biatch!".)
for the MARINES Posted: 10/19/2005by: James Theres too many damn "Army" movies out there. Give the readers the top 10 Marine movies, and let them remember where this country would be without a few good Men. James Sgt. USMC Samuel Jackson Beer Posted: 5/29/2005by: Rabbelrauser Guy: Can you stop yellin' at me, please? Sam: No I can't stop yellin'! 'Cause that's how I talk!
Everytime I think of this, I laugh about it for thirty minutes. Mr. Posted: 5/27/2005by: Tron "I slept with Katie too....Katie's got some big ass tittttaaayyys." sigh Posted: 5/27/2005by: cmon fellas dont you read the previous posts!!! quit repeating shit..be original Posted: 5/27/2005by: Wayne Brady Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch? Best Fear Factor Ever Posted: 5/27/2005by: BIG D "...this isn't the first time I've tasted penis"
"I don't know if you know this Joe Rogan, I smoke rock." Pesci Posted: 5/27/2005by: Tom A Tommy Spinelli:
"Don't f' with a guy looking for heads!" PPPPP for Ep 3?? Posted: 5/27/2005by: ep 3 hater Sorry, that is no more the a 3 P movie. You are humorous but bad taste in movies. making the band Posted: 5/27/2005by: p diddy go make daddy a hit.......go to the bronx and get me a suger cookie....go to harlem and get me the breast milk of a cambodian.....wow, 100% cambodian....
who are the 5 best rappers of all time - die-lan, die-lan, die-lan, die-lan, die-lan
i spit hot fire...... Beat it Posted: 5/27/2005by: d.coke ..."Beat my meat like it owes me money..."
Remake number 6,742 for 2005. Yeah! I know many of you may not have been alive in the 70s, but you all have Netflix or Blockbuster membership, so heres my proposal. Ill give you a list of all the sweet movies that were made between 1965 and 1995. Then you can put them in your queue and watch them at your leisure. Think of the millions we could save Hollywood if they didnt have to remake great movies just because a few twelve year olds havent seen it yet. Not to mention that Burt Reynolds wouldnt have to go around slapping CBS reporters for having not seen the original. I would understand if the guy hadnt seen Stroker Ace or Malone, but I saw the original Longest Yard after my final tour in Nam and it was a damn good movie. This version aint half bad either, but Adam Sandbagler can't touch a clean-shaven Burt in his heyday.
So is this the sequel to the prequel or a second prequel to the previous sequels prequel. And more importantly does anyone give an unholy head spinning fuck either way! Basically this movie was shelved to release, of all things, a Renny I Sank Carolco with Cutthroat Island Harlin prequel, Exorcist the Beginning. And oh what good fortune! Someone decided this movie was so good after all, that they would release up against Star Wars Episode 3. If all that doesnt tell you how much this movie sucks, then how about this. I would rather watch Rosie ODonnell ass rape Ted Nugent. That would be far more entertaining and scary than seeing yet another movie about a priest in a crisis of faith that stumbles upon someone possessed by the devil.
Fucking Schwimmer! I thought now that Friends was off the air the cast might go out and take some quality movies. Personally I was hoping Schwimmer could get his buddies Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anniston to co-star with him in the sequel to his 1997 hit movie Breast Men. Ainsley Hayes tit flash in the first one was a classic moment and I would certainly pay $10.50 to see him give Anistons milk bags the once over. Instead I get Schwimmer hamming it up with Chris Rock and Ben Stiller, who, by the way, has appeared in almost as many movies in the past 2 years as there have been awful remakes of good movies. This movie seems like it was based on the last batch of pansies I trained as a drill Sergeant. Theyre all high and mighty stateside, but as soon as they hit the jungle they shit their pants and roll around in it for warmth and comfort. Heres what should have happened. Exotic, domesticated animals get shipped to Africa. Two of them die in transport and a third is eaten the second they are set free because it is a weak and inferior food source for the waiting animals. The one that survives feeding time is killed by Dutch poachers and mounted on the wall of some European pub. Realistic fun for the whole family!
Speaking of mother fuckers who get dropped off in Africa I hope all you fans are ready to wear a groove in the Rick James episode, because it looks like that's all your gonna get for a while. Youve seen the jokes, youve memorized the jokes, youve told the jokes to your buddies ten million times and now for the first time you can own them in your very own home! But I will warn you right now that the answer to What did the five fingers say to the face is, I will break both your arms and then extract each one of your sperm individually with a syringe if you even think about slapping me. It is time for people to jump on the other sketches that make this one of the all time best sketch comedy shows. My personal favorites are Knee-high Park, Tyrone Biggums on Fear Factor, Who Knows Black People, and the classic Wayne Brady Sketch. I wish I could say something bad about Dave, but I know hes chilling out in South Africa right now smoking the phattest blunt of all time with some mutherfucker talking at him in clicks and pops, coming up with the funniest shit ever for when he finally decides that his little bout with the Carribean Flu is over.
If you missed the Alias season finale dont worry. It should be easy to explain. Sidneys dad is not her sisters dad but her evil boss is and Sidneys mom is an evil Russian spy who is helping capture her more evil Russian spy sister who raised her daughter, but didnt raise Sydney. Then the more evil sister of the Russian mothers teamed up with the more evil dad of the two sisters to create a menacing ball of water from a 300-year-old manuscript that might destroy the world if one of the pairs of sisters doesnt kill their sibling before the zombies stop them. Right about the time people started getting attacked by zombies was the when I puked in my own mouth and swallowed it back from laughing so hard. I watched just long enough to catch the rogue special effects that escaped from the WB threatening the world. They could have made a better-looking ball of water on my old TurboGraphix16. Id say this show was interesting because of the Bennifer hype, but thinking about Affleck bending the manly Garner over is about as hot as Affleck bending over Matt Damon.
Rage against the garden? Or is it sound against the machine? How bout we send you boys back into exile to actually finish this record. There are definitely good moments on this shiny new coaster but they are wrapped up in sloppy production and Chris Cornells desire to look at himself in the mirror for hours on end. It almost makes me long for the days when Zach DelaRocha was preaching the benefits of communism to our susceptible youth. As foolish and misguided as that commie traitor bastard was at least he put more emotion in his music than the watered down dreck presented by this bunch. 
I wonder if cartoons have the ability to the lick hairy, bulbous flesh at the edge of my ass crack? Judging from this record it sure sounds like they do. What was once an innovative amalgam of brilliant musicians now sounds like a mash up of Black Eye Peas and Wayne Newton. The addition of Danger Mouse to this project does nothing to make up for the loss of Dan The Automator as one of the creative minds behind the musical end of this project. Maybe these cartoon rockers can draw and extra zero on the end of their sales, because I dont think this mediocre record is going anywhere.
