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"Love, exciting and new."-Love Boat theme song sung by Jack Jones (1977-1985)
Isn’t it great in the beginning? Before all the bullshit, before the drama, before the restraining orders?
Finding a significant other may be the single most important quest in one’s life. Infact, I’m pretty sure it’s what David Carradine was searching for in the opening credits to “Kung Fu”. He was looking for a life-partner, or maybe he just wanted to karate the fuck out of someone. Who really knows?
The point I’m trying to make is the topic of finding ‘true love’ is universal. It has spawned countless shitty game shows and even shittier reality shows. It is the universal quest in the game of life; to find a soul mate that will bring you permanent happiness. Unfortunately, to do so, one must test the waters in what is known as a “relationship” to discover if the person you just had sex with in a bar restroom is also a person you can spend the rest of your life with.
Personally, I have as much business talking about relationships as Maverick and Goose did buzzing the control tower in Top Gun. But hey, I am dangerous, and I'm also an opinionated "a-hole" who is starving for attention, so I’m going to talk about it anyway. I’m also going to bring in my boy Scott Hofman from The Phat Phree to add his two-cents on the subject. He’s my “Goose” on this except, he won’t die at the end (I don’t think). Scott and I are going to analyze several different types of relationships and expose them for what they really are… HILARIOUS BULLSHIT!
Hofman and Zumock
You see, I simply don’t get it! Maybe because I was always the “abused child” in relationships. The one who's lost all capacity to have feelings for another human being, myself included. This probably stems from my last relationship, when I was faded out like a 1983 Michael Jackson "Beat It" jacket after two long years of commitment. You remember that red jacket with all the zippers?
Anyhow, 80’s references aside, Scott and I will now go about the task of identifying and breaking down some of the most common relationships out there. You may currently be in one of these, know someone else who is or, for those of you bitter commenters out there, never been in a relationship at all. Nevertheless, the following is a guide to shed some light on these relationships and hopefully promote awareness for those who find themselves in such situations. Also, it will help you to point and laugh at these people when you see them.
The long distance ‘who the fuck are we kidding that we can make this work’ couple
If relationships weren't challenging enough, having them across long distances is nearly fucking impossible. As if it isn’t hard enough to relate to another person when you share a common community, all of the sudden you’re going to relate across city limits, state lines, or national boundaries. Please! However, some have come to master the skill of building long-lasting relationships while not sharing the same geographical area, despite surrendering half their income to phone bills. Unfortunately, I did not (though I did single-handedly keep Verizon in business for a few months). Me? When my ex-girlfriend moved, she adapted right away by teaching herself to bang other men in my absence. I, however, did not adapt so well. While she was out there on the other end of some random guy’s Don Johnson, I was sitting at home eating Andy Capp Hot Fries, emotionally broken and wondering if she missed me as much as I missed her… I’M FUCKING PATHETIC! (note- Scott Hofman had nothing to add on this subject)
Fuck You, Let's Fuck!.
The ‘fuck-you bitch, let’s fuck each other’ couple
This is by far my favorite couple and, not coincidentally, the typical relationship I always find myself in. The relationship is almost always based on sex, head games, cheating, and the absence of trust. It's nothing close to functional or healthy, but boy can it be fun! Most of these kinds of couples will break up every three days but somehow manage to be together for five years. I highly recommend such a relationship, but be forewarned that things can get violent. These are NOT for the faint of heart. If the idea of being choked before, during and after sex is not your idea of a good time, then avoid such relationships. On the other hand, if that’s what you’re into, give me a call!
The ‘24-hour-seven-day-a-week’ couple
People in this type couple of bleed insecurity as they try to become one like "Voltron" from the moment they meet. They will sleep, eat and spend every waking second with each other. They rarely leave the house alone and one is seldom seen eating without the other. They take trips together and never attend social events alone. They will forget about friendships and responsibilities and speak to each other in unintelligible baby talk. These couples should die a gruesome death, but somehow they never do. Typically they marry, move out of state and become religious fanatics that are no longer a part of your life, aside from the annual call inquiring to see if you had found the Lord. If you are currently in one of these relationships and you are reading this, fuck you!
The ‘I’m still banging my ex-boyfriend while I’m banging you but I’m not sure if I love him-love him anymore’ couple
This is not so much a common couple, but it happened to me (Chad) and I have to vent. I won’t go into detail but I actually dated a girl (who turned out to be Satan herself) that would sleep over my house and then leave in the middle of night to go sleep with her other boyfriend. This went on for incredibly healthy and functional nine months. The only thing I took from that experience is that it could have been worse- I could have been the other guy getting my sloppy seconds. Believe me, you don’t want my sloppy seconds.
Sidenote: I understand Satan herself is currently ruining some other poor son-of-a-bitch's life as we speak. Sorry, dude.
The ‘we’ve got no other options’ couple
Most of us have been in this type of relationship. You know it isn’t going anywhere, but it’s guaranteed action, and you don’t really hate each other… you just don’t really like each other, either. This may be the most common of all couples, and doesn’t really make any waves for the people around them. You’d both cheat on each other in a heartbeat if you could, but for whatever reason the opportunity hasn’t presented itself. Eventually, one or the other finds someone else and ends the relationship. At this point, the dumped person often goes into a deep depression, longing to be back in the “going nowhere” relationship until eventually he/she gets laid again and they repeat the cycle.
Fuck you guys.
The ‘perfect story-book’ couple
The percentage is low, but such couples do exist -- it's the ultimate goal in dating. This type of couple is headed into a long, loving, happy union. The relationship is ideal from the start, and poses few problems to the happy lovers. Love at first sight -- this couple was meant to be. People in this situation will marry and become pairs, like Romeo and Juliet, Jack and Rose, John and Yoko, Jack and Diane, Bonnie and Clyde, Arm and Hammer ... all the great couples of our time. They make the rest of the dating world envious. You will want to kill this couple eventually- DEAD! At least you can take solace in the fact that someday they will die. Unfortunately, they have agreed that their love will last forever. Bastards.
There is absolutely no reason 'Tubbs' should be in this article.
I hope you've enjoyed our warped, pseudo-expert outlook on relationships. Our only advice before you get into one of these is to learn to be alone and love yourself before you share your time with someone else. Just kidding. Actually, we want you to be sure to never refuse to kiss your lover after she’s done licking your taint. I know this sounds repulsive, but nothing will ever bring a couple closer together than giving her a little sugar on that dirty little Hog-Washer of hers. It’s a way of saying, “I’m not going anywhere baby.” Suck on that, Dr. Phil.
Don't kid yourself Chad. There's always room for Tubbs
deuce
agreed.
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Posted: 8/31/2005 8:37:54 AM
that pink shirt with the collor that is ready for liftoff is the only "reason" you need.
your boy susan
RAAAAAA!
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Posted: 8/31/2005 9:32:12 AM
Tubbs just made my mother fucking day!!!! YEAH!!! -He gets me so fucking amped! time to hit the phones
Donny D
Great Article!
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Posted: 8/31/2005 9:37:44 AM
Very enjoyable read.
Chad, way to start my morning off with a laugh, you never seem to disappoint.
BOB
CHAD IS A JOKE
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Posted: 8/31/2005 9:38:10 AM
Chad, What i really want to know is when the last time you got laid is? Anyone who writes this crap clearly never gets laid. People who get laid do not have time to write articles about other people getting laid.
Jason
Funny!
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Posted: 8/31/2005 9:51:13 AM
Good stuff my man, Tubbs was the best part!
I'm going to go tell my girlfriend to fuck-off right now. Later!
Cameron
MIAMI VICE
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Posted: 8/31/2005 9:52:04 AM
Miami Vice is the best fucking show ever. Crockett and Tubbs should be in most articles.
Jackie
LOL
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Posted: 8/31/2005 9:55:13 AM
This article was pretty dead-on about relationships. What made it for me was the Top Gun reference, that's good stuff!
TUBBS
That's right!
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Posted: 8/31/2005 9:58:35 AM
Thanks for the props everyone, I just try to do my job the coolest way I know how!
Special 'shout-out' to my idol, Billy Dee Williams.
-Tubbs
Brandy
uh oh
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Posted: 8/31/2005 10:10:45 AM
"The ‘fuck-you bitch, let’s fuck each other’ couple" hit to close to home for me. I guess my relationship is doomed!
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