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Tensions were high at the International Chess tournament being held in Brussels this week, where the IBM computer Deep Blue came out of retirement to defend his title of Global Chess Champion from the upstart Iranian challenger Mohammed Al-Bazir. Many analysts and chess enthusiasts have imbued this match with strong implications for world affairs.
“It’s no secret that chess has always been filled with symbolism for the state of the world, and this contest is no different,” said Chairman of the Global Chess Association Yost Lundquist. “Its significance is increased by the fact that Iran is such a relative newcomer to these high-profile games.”
Indeed, the meteoric rise of Iran to Global Chess prominence has taken many members of the GCA by surprise. This was further complicated by the fact that several concessions had to be made to Iranian contingent regarding the basic rules of play.
“The Iranian champion requested that he be allowed to capture and behead his own queen,” explained the game’s arbiter Alexei Kolenkov. “He claimed it was to keep her sanctity from being violated by the American electronic aggressor, but it still runs contrary to the basic nature of the game. Still, we reached an acceptable agreement where he acknowledged his queen’s right to exist, but realized that he is not required or obligated to move or touch her at any time during the course of the game.”
Unlike Deep Blue’s previous matches against human opponents, many chess fans are not viewing this game along the same “man vs. machine” line. American observers, for example, see the contest as having deeper ideological implications.
“Iran’s chess strategy is one of deceit and trickery,” said Alan Foster, CIA attaché to the IBM team. “They claim to have only two rooks at their disposal, but our intelligence indicates that they have as many as seven being held in reserve for deployment. This level of duplicity and proliferation will not stand.”
I am the Greatest!
Likewise, the Iranians have adopted a similarly nationalistic attitude.
“The unchecked aggression of the white devils will not go unchallenged! We invented this game! How dare they claim superiority?” declared Al-Bazir’s coach Ibrahim Sayid. “We will send pawn after pawn to their glorious reward in the afterlife to prove the justness of our cause! Both ebony and ivory will be spilled for the greater glory of Allah!
“By the way, we Iranians don’t shout everything!” Sayid added. “So when you’re writing this, don’t put exclamation points at the end of every sentence! It’s insulting!”
In addition to the international tensions, many present at the game have experienced a more human strain.
“It’s complete bullshit that we’re not on ESPN,” complained GCA promoter Bill Ingersol. “I mean, we’re as action-packed as that poker shit they’re always playing. We’ve even tried to piggy-back onto their popularity, but no luck.”
A metaphor for...something
“Yeah, on top of everything, I have to start referring to Deep Blue as ‘Deeb’ now,” explained the computer’s second, Florence Vassey. “I don’t even know why a computer needs a second anyway. It’s like I’m just a window-dressing. To think, after all my struggles for qualifications, my nights with Goethe and Proust, I end up doing PR work for a souped-up Atari. Christ…
“Still, ‘Deeb’ is a lot better than most of the lying egomaniacs I meet at these chess tournaments.”
In spite of the lack of television coverage, this match has garnered a record high level of public attention. In fact, pundits are calling it most compelling Middle East/West competition since 1985, when U.S. Boxing Champion Rocky Balboa fought Ahmed “The Kuwait Krusher” Abaas for the World Heavyweight Title.
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