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$3.99 a bottle? Good thing I'm rich.
Do you see this bottle of water I’m drinking? It costs $3.99. I got it because it was the most expensive one in the store. I won’t put any of that other crap in my body. As you can see, the bottle isn’t even very big. It’s a half liter, whatever the hell that means; stupid French people. It has some gay-sounding name I can’t begin to pronounce so I don’t even try. I let my money do the talking for me. You can bet that foreign guy at the Mini-Mart is impressed by someone like me who throws away $3.99, plus tax, on water.
No, I don’t want a bag. I want everyone to see me drinking a bottle of water that costs as much as the recommended monthly donation to Save the Children. Hey kids, are you thirsty? I got bad news for you. You can’t share this with me. I go to the gym every day and I do yoga. I don’t eat fried food. I take care of my body. I’m not about to mess up my health by letting some diseased kid take a swig of my designer water. Keep drinking out of that puddle next to your hut. It hasn’t killed you yet.
Oh yeah, that is some good water. You wouldn’t believe how good it tastes. I can’t even describe it, that’s how smooth it is. Tom Cruise drinks this brand. I saw it on TV. I’ll bet he uses it to make ice cubes. He probably showers with it. I’m going to try that some time. I bet that would be sweet.
You can keep all of that polluted off-brand agua you poison yourself with. I would rather lie down on the sidewalk and let an old hobo take a leak in my mouth than settle for the bottled water you drink. I’ll keep shelling out $3.99 for this until something more expensive comes on the market. This stuff comes from the Alps. The Alps are in, like, Europe, or Switzerland- right? That’s why it tastes so good.
I go through at least three bottles a day. Hell no I don’t recycle. That’s for hippies. I don’t have time. People who work at landfills need jobs too, but you probably never thought of that. I’m sure that if the Greenpeace dorks had their way we’d all be drinking tap water. How are we supposed to illustrate the ever-widening socio-economic rift in this country if some of us aren’t allowed to spend $3.99 on a bottle of water? Try to think this through before you criticize guys like me who have nothing better to do with our disposable income than to rub poor people’s noses in the fact that $3.99 for a few ounces of water doesn’t mean shit to us.
You know what else? Not only am I not going to recycle this bottle but I’m just going to chuck it out the window because I don’t want a bunch of empties cluttering up the inside of my brand new SUV. I like to stay on the cutting edge—even with the water I drink.
Woke up face down in my shitty fuckin' A's cap this morning. As I ran to the shitter, I could hear the puke hitting my teeth on the way out. Sounded like rain on a tin roof.
Tom A
Is It "Oxygenated," Mister?
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Posted: 5/10/2006 9:38:53 AM
Because if it isn't, it's for peasants (even if it IS from Europe, or Switzerland).
Christine
Nice Job
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Posted: 5/10/2006 10:36:10 AM
Is it weird that I really enjoy tap water? I mean, I'll buy bottles of water, but something about all the extras you get with the tap water just makes me thirsty.
Provo
HA!! Elitests are funny....
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Posted: 5/10/2006 11:12:29 AM
GOOD WORK.....
I totally agree....and Christine, you are most def correct..which reminds me...hmmm
Oh, and what the fuck is the deal with some restaurants only having bottled water......I call BULLSHIT, I know you don't cook with bottled water......
anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed the read...anything referring to a hobo urinating on someone = GOLDEN (like a shower...)
ps. uh, just in case, bottled water is not taxed, illegal if it is....water and anything thats 100% juice is not taxable....(maybe a state tax? I dont know, Im in Texas, no state tax here...)
Pat
spot-on
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Posted: 5/10/2006 11:54:36 AM
This describes every spoiled New York area girl to a tee. You left out the fat ass and the Juicy Couture sweats though.
Silly Sally
Have to
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Posted: 5/10/2006 12:05:27 PM
We here in So Cal have to drink bottled water. It's because we are so close to Mexico and they're evil-creature water travels up here every so often. Plus, our tap water tastes like oil and children's tears. Go Aquafina!
Burt Thaxton
This Sucked
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Posted: 5/10/2006 12:14:00 PM
Wow. We know some people drink pricey bottled water. Hilarious.
Burt Thaxton
That Guy
Burt T
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Posted: 5/10/2006 12:20:32 PM
Your SUV looks awesome - so free of debris, too!
The Author
My Two Cents
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Posted: 5/10/2006 12:39:13 PM
I guess the reason that I wrote this was to illustrate the point that our culture has made even the water we drink another status symbol that differentiates the haves and the have-nots. What’s next? Designer air?
Reid
No, Burt
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Posted: 5/10/2006 12:50:54 PM
You can not have your money back. You already drank the water.
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