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Crap...Here He Comes
Man, what a great day for a BBQ, huh?
Yeah, you're right... It is really nice to get out and have a few beers on a Saturday afternoon. Long week at work for you?
I hear that. What do you do?
You’re in sales, huh? Nothing wrong with that...
Man, you sure can talk. You were the top salesman in your region this quarter? That’s great.
Selling copiers for Crapient? Right on. Good for you.
Wow, did you just use four Vince Vaughn quotes in three sentences? That’s pretty hard to do.
Me? No I don’t really care for Vince Vaughn. I think he plays the same character in every movie. It was funny in Swingers and okay in Old School, but his whole asshole-that-can talk-fast act kind of rubs me the wrong way.
Well sir, you can go do that to your mother, too. I’m going to go get another beer. -------------------------------- Oh, it’s you again. Me? No, I’m not in sales. I do IT work for TaintCo.
Do I like my job? Of course not. The only way I’d like my job is if I was getting paid to live in a tree in Belize and smoke doobies with naked native ladies.
Oh, I should get into sales, huh? Yeah, I don’t think so. I like my soul just plenty, thank you very much.
Yeah, I know you’re the top salesman in your region. You already told me that. I’m going to go watch the game. --------------------------------- God damn, I think George Mason might pull this shit off.
What’s that? You sold copiers to a guy named George Mason last month? He lives in Georgia and is going through a rough divorce? Fascinating. Do me a favor and quit fucking talking about work, okay? Actually, just keep your mouth shut all together.
What? More talk? Fuck.
Yeah, I know. I get it – you’re in sales and you’re good at your job. We all fucking get it.
I gotta use the john. ---------------------------------- Jesus Fucking Christ! I thought I locked the door! You picked it? What the fuck do you want?
No, I don’t need a fucking copy machine! Close the damn door, ass-face!
Yes, I know that you’re the best salesman in your region! You already fucking told me. I’m trying to take a shit here, close the fucking door!
What are you, retarded? I don’t need any toner! I need to wipe my dirty-effing butt!
Thank you! ----------------------------------- Dude, you are seriously starting to creep me out. Maybe you should find someone else here to talk to.
Oh? You don’t know anyone else here except your branch manager? Well, that’s sad, but you don’t actually know me either.
What? No, I don’t need any Canon Model F41-5121-700 Magenta Copier Toner! I don’t even know what that means. What the fuck is wrong with you? You ARE fucking retarded, aren't you?
No? You're just a salesman? Same fucking thing.
I’m going to go have a smoke. ------------------------------------- Oh my fucking lord. You again? Yeah, you can bum a smoke…just don’t fucking mention that you’re a god damn salesman again or I swear on John Denver’s grave I will fucking lose it and put you in a Kerry Von Erich Iron-Claw. All right? Cool.
Yeah, I can hold that folder for you. Kind of strange you brought a folder to a BBQ, though. You can’t get that pen to work? Here let me give it a try.
There…the pen works.
Huh!?!
What the fuck do you mean I just signed for a brand new HP Color LaserJet 4730 MFP series! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!
Just What I Fucking Needed
Jesus, Joseph, and doggy-style Mary!
Fuck, man…you are good at sales. Well played.
Now what in the hell am I supposed to do with this fucking thing?
This is exactly the tenacious, action-oriented kind of guy I want working in my sales organization. Revenue streams are critical to increasing shareholder value, and at the end of the day, it's sales guys like this that are the horsepower of any enterprise. As I always say, it may not be rocket science, but it's pretty damn close. Now stop your goddamn yapping and close some fucking deals.
Regards,
Jonathan Hansen SVP of Sales Crapient
Victor French
Holy Shit!
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Posted: 3/31/2006 9:20:59 AM
Not even if you tore the ass out of a rotting skunk, and took a disgusting asparagus-piss on it, could you match the overall stench that eminates from my shitty fuckin' Oakland A's cap. I'm Victor fuckin' French, and I have hemorrhoids the size of bing cherries.
Brister
Work It!
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Posted: 3/31/2006 9:28:35 AM
Plan your wor...no...wait...work...no wait, that's not it...plan your work, then work you plan. Always in that order. Remember, never, ever reinvent the wheel. That could interfere with your core competency and the client/rep synergies. Please advise. Please advise what?
BigNick
VF
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Posted: 3/31/2006 10:50:07 AM
Sick of post by Victor Fucking French...You never post about the article, basically you talk shit about a dead guy from a shitty fucking 80's sitcom. Same goddamn thing every day. I guess that some of the regular posters (read: Christine) think you're funny, but if I told the same joke the same way every day...You guessed it...It gets old, quick! So seriously find another dead actor that played shitty roles and smells bad to anonymously post as. In conclusion, go die...again.
Christine, nothing againest you, but this guy sucks.
Don Knots
I'm Don Knotts Dammit
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Posted: 3/31/2006 11:00:10 AM
OK. You asked for it now you got it. I am Don Knots dammit. My breath smells worse than Aunt Bea's snatch on a hot summer day after she hasn't showered for a week. I use to love rubbing the young Ron Howard's soiled underwear all over my face. Paying special attention to the skid marks. When I played Mr. Furley on 3's Company I use to sneak peaks at John Ridder while he was changing wishing I could tie him up with one of my ascots and then make him toss my crusty salad. Hoo Ha.
BigNick
Don
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Posted: 3/31/2006 11:11:49 AM
That was refreshing, I laughed through the whole thing. Now just pick a different dead celeb everyday and I'll be happier to read your posts than the articles themselves (they've been kinda lackluster as of late)
JPM
Victor French
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Posted: 3/31/2006 12:00:25 PM
Good article and VF you are by far the most unamusing person to ever post.
Come up with your own stuff from now on.
Pantsman
Cursing and Offending religion doesn't always equal funny!
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Posted: 3/31/2006 12:20:12 PM
"Jesus, Joseph, and doggy-style Mary!"
There's a fIne line between funny, and being an ignorant asshole, you've crossed it in my opinion.
That Guy
Pantsman
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Posted: 3/31/2006 12:57:09 PM
You're right, it doesn't.
But in this case, it did.
Get your wrinkled, puckered, whining ass back to your "Intelligent" Design class.
Pantsman
That Guy
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Posted: 3/31/2006 1:27:03 PM
So at what point would he be an ignorant asshole, as opposed to funny? I guess when denigrating your religion, race, or sexual orientation?
The article was terrible, just a lot of loud cursing, with an offensive remark at the end with no point to it.
More and more of thephatphree the writers think cursing 50% of the time, while saying highly offensive shit = funny. The site used to be much better than this.
But I take it you crack up over Jews in oven jokes too 'That Guy'!!!
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