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I know I'd feel better with my kid wearing this.
Remember when Dateline used to be a news show that covered a bountiful array of various topics? Me neither. I never watched any of those primetime news shows that try their best each week to scare the shit out of people. Of course, this has all changed since Dateline has settled in and focused intently upon their bread and butter. The show shouldn’t even really be called Dateline anymore. They should change their name to Punkd: Cyber Predators Edition. It seems like every other week, Dateline’s knight in shining armor, Chris Hansen, pops out of a closet and puts sexual offenders on the hot seat. Chris Hansen must be like Superman to sexual predators. He is a humble reporter all day, until he leaps into a phone booth, hops out, and starts nabbing villains before they can complete their criminal shenanigans. Fear oozes from the predators as Hansen toys with them, before completely stripping away any shreds of their remaining manhood. It usually goes down something like this…
Some fifty year old guy with a beard and a Nascar shirt lets himself into a house and walks into the kitchen. He is carrying Mike’s Hard Lemonade and some condoms. He’s all psyched up for an internet rendezvous with a kid a quarter of his age, when Chris Hansen glides in before him, seemingly out of thin air.
Illogical bullshit excuses begin to tumble out of his mouth. Hansen has heard them all, and reads him transcripts from his on-line chats. It was like the old man was praying that someone switched the difficulty level of life to all-rookie. No, perv-ball, you’re fucked… just shut up and take it like a man. No, you are not sorry about what you were going to do, you’re sorry because you were caught. This is All-Madden, bitch. Look up the definition of the word “consequence.”
Chris Hansen breaks the guy down like Tyson in his prime. He never eases up on him at all. He just holds the chat logs, recites choice lines that are acceptable for television, and tries not to vomit on his shoes.
One of the most truly entertaining aspects is that Chris Hansen can do and say whatever he wants during these stings. He could hit the guy in the face with a tree branch during the interview without fear of retaliation. Not only is the predator a dejected human being by this point, Hansen has more guys covering his back than an 80’s-movie bully. Besides that, which guy in the room would ever take a sexual predator’s side in a fight? Exactly. Chris Hansen has endless range on what he can do to the trapped Pervasauruses.
“What exactly were you thinking about when you decided to drive 250 miles to meet a 13-year old boy? (THWACK THWACK) You’re lying. Shut up. What did you just ask me? Why am I starting a small fire? No, it’s not because I am getting cold. I’m going to use this fire to heat up a metal pipe with which I’m going to smash your face with. Don’t look at me like that, fucker, I’m Chris Hansen. I’ll yank out your eyeballs, switch them around in your face, and force feed you clumps of mud.”
Chris Hansen shows no mercy. A man hasn’t taken out predators this bad since Schwarzenegger covered himself in mud and outran a super-atomic blast. That gives me a great idea. I will start a line of t-shirts for children with Chris Hansen’s face on them. My future kids won’t leave the house without wearing one. No predator will ever step to an image of Chris Hansen. It would be instant safety and security for $17.00 plus tax. (Shitley’s, I know you want this.)
What I can’t believe about all of these predator stings is that the other evening news shows haven’t followed suit. Where is 20/20, Primetime, or 48 Hours? This new market is fairly untapped. Someone needs to give Dateline a run for their money. If any of the people running evening news shows had any sense at all, they would hop on the bandwagon with some awesome improvements.
Stupid predators
20/20 should set up stings that are very similar to Dateline. The only major hurdle would be to find a reporter who could match the vicious, unrelenting attitude of Chris Hansen. I recommend having Mr. T dress up like Batman and confront the predators. Predators would still be caught and pulled from the streets, but the entertainment value would grow exponentially.
(A predator has entered a residence and is stripping in the kitchen, ready to meet their on-line target.)
(Mr. T jumps down a staircase dressed as Batman. Fans are strategically placed through the house by 20/20 to make his cape blow around.)
Mr. T: Whatcha think you doin, foo?
Predator:Mr. T? What the fuck? What in the fuck is going on? Why are you dressed like Batman?
Mr. T: I’ll be axing the questions, foo.
Whatcha think you doin, foo?
This would be funny every single time it went down. 20/20 could be sitting on a gold mine. Of course, it is really creepy when one sits back and really thinks about the whole scenario of these televised stings. What if it wasn’t an organized sting and a child was really alone at the house? Laughing at shows like these definitely raise some questions about American ethics. Reality television is mostly based on entertaining the masses by embarrassing and humiliating others anyways. At least these stings target criminals who intend to inflict harm upon others. Is it better if we humiliate them? Like I previously stated, it’s all a question of ethics.
I guess it is beneficial to realize that these shows do help raise awareness and hopefully discourage would-be cyber stalkers. Even if it stops only one predator, the outcome is a success. Predators rob children of their irreplaceable innocence. It leads to horrible problems down the road that can last a lifetime. Victims commonly follow disastrous paths into drug addiction, become predators themselves, or end up like Teri Hatcher. The last thing this world needs is another Teri Hatcher. Thank you, Chris Hansen, and hopefully… in the very near future, thank you Batman Mr. T.
and by the way, laughing at tragedy's helps us get through/deal with them; so I for one will continue to make jokes about horrible things until the day I day (which because of my comments will be very soon).
You're on fire as of late.
Provo
BRAVO....
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Post #: 2
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Posted: 6/12/2006 10:07:45 AM
You strike again, Mr. Turlington....Well, done...
Funny shit...I especially love the analogies..."he suddenly wishes someone turned the difficulty level of life to all-rookie...." and "this is all-madden bitch.." too many to quote 'em all....
The sad thing is, they've been running this 'sting' multiple time, and like half the perv/pedo's who got busted on the second go around knew exactly what was happening when they saw Chris Hansen 'cause they had seen it on TV....I dont thin this would have happened had they seen Batman Mr. T jump out the first time...
Christine
Wanna know how sick I am?
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Posted: 6/12/2006 10:22:40 AM
I watched the last one that aired. I wanted those sick fucks to die, or be tortured for the rest of their lives. But the moment they got caught, I sudden'y pitied them. What the fuck is wrong with me???? I mean, I know I am caring girl and shit, but damn!!
I think its because I am so embarrassed for them and I know that their lives are ruined forever and I just feel bad. I still want them to die and be tortured, but for that moment when they get caught, its so humiliating. Especially the ones who have wives and kids. Its awful. Those kids will know that their dad is a sick fuck and they will get tortured for the rest of their schooling. its a horrible situation.
But I agree with the terri Hatcher comment, she looks like a frying pan with eyelashes.
Rikku Markka
You can't not watch
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Posted: 6/12/2006 11:07:16 AM
Those Dateline specials are a trainwreck. They must be watched because it is just unbelievable that a grown-ass man would chat up young teens online to meet to have sex. No matter how many I see get busted, I still can't believe that these men are actively trying to have sex with 13-year-olds. And I know that even though they were caught this time, there were probably countless other times when they actully did have sex with a teenager.
The worst one was the guy who showed up to have sex with a young boy, and he brought his young son with him. The funniest ones were the wigger with the red shirt, and the guy who stripped naked.
Carter
I roffled
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Posted: 6/12/2006 11:08:07 AM
"I'll be axing the questions, foo."
Classic.
Ball of rage
I hate Hansen
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Post #: 6
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Posted: 6/12/2006 11:22:11 AM
Catching perverts and making their life hell is good. Putting that annoying cock-gobbling douche hammer Chris Hansen on T.V. is not good.
Speaking ethics, it would be interesting to know how much of the ass loads of money Dateline and NBC make off of the fact that Jr. High kids get fucked by old men is donated to anything other than their bank accounts. There must be a fund or organization that helps kids who have been abused. Maybe Teri Hatcher knows. I'm ok with the fact that Teri Hatcher is apart of the problem of horrible T.V. because I want to do naughty things to her bikini area. But anyway, even if Dateline and NBC saved every little boy and girl on the planet, can't they use some one other than the aforementioned cock gobbling douche hammer? Mostly it's just his voice that for a second makes me wish the sicko old guy would viciously beat him the bottle of KY he brought in his bag of goodies.
But any rate, even if it wasn't Hansen, I still have mixed feelings about the show. And what does this say about the viewing public? Well, probably nothing that we didn't already know. But seriously, are people that entertained by all this? That they watch episode after episode of this? FUCKING FUCK MAN!!! I can't watch it for more than a few minutes before I have to turn the channel. Everyone stopping to watch the car wreck with brains on the road is one thing, everyone tuning in by the millions to see the pervert squirm is kind of twisted in my book.
Back to the Hansen hating. For years I've known Maury Povich would be going to hell for all profit he's made off of idiot poor white trash and ghetto ass black chicks that honestly can't remember all the guys they've fucked. Maury Povich will arrive in hell in a stretch limousine. I think he might as well swing by the old Hansen house and give him a lift.
Tom A
Nice Batman Get-up
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Posted: 6/12/2006 11:31:32 AM
deuce.
deuce
tom a - thanks
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Post #: 8
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Posted: 6/12/2006 11:49:51 AM
wanna see whats under my utility belt?
Tom A
Well, that depends
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Posted: 6/12/2006 12:47:51 PM
What's your favorite subject in school?
Atlas
En Fuego
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Posted: 6/12/2006 2:04:07 PM
Juan you did it again, can't watch these shows for more than about 5 min without turning it off. Didn't some guy bring a cat for the girl to fool around with, Jesus throw away the key that guy is nuts.
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