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I'm just like any other kid... almost!
Oh. My. God. America, you are soooo uptight. I mean really, I’m only twelve and I can see that. What you need to do is chill out, relax, and let my dads get married already!
See, my mom ran off when I was little and since then it’s pretty much just been me and my dad (sigh). But a couple of years ago, Russ came along and now I have two dads (hooray!). Now, Russ isn’t just some ordinary guy. No sir-ee, he’s really more like my mom than my dad. He loves to shop, cook and wear makeup. He’s a fabulous guy!
All my dad and Russ want to do is get married, but those bitchy senators are being such a pain in the ass right now. They’re arguing that if my dad and Russ got married it would ruin the institution of marriage. Whatever (yawn).
Here’s what I say- I’m living proof that marriage between two men is okay for the kid. I’m perfectly fine. We are practically a family already. Like, every Saturday we get into Russ’s white convertible Cabriolet, crank up the Erasure and go down to muscle beach to watch the body builders lift some weights. Then my dad buys us all big stick popsicles and we enjoy the day. It’s as American as apple pie.
Seriously, would having my dad be married to Russ be any worse than if I went to Catholic school? I may only be twelve, but I watch the news. You want to talk about society’s problems? Let’s talk about the idea of making an all-boys school that is administered by sexually frustrated adults. Who ever thought that was a good idea? At least my dad and Russ are gettin’ some (I know, TMI).
This is Russ (isn't he great!?)
It just seems so unfair. There are all these people out there, like our neighbors, The Andersons, for example, that are unwilling to accept that we are just fine. Their daughter, Amy, is my age and she’s always telling me that Jesus doesn’t want my dad and Russ to be together (she’s such a hag). I always remind her that I can hear her dad beating her mom every night and that shuts her up every time. The only thing Russ ever hits is the occasional joint. After that he doesn’t want to hit anything else. All he does is eat ice cream and watch the Queer As Folk DVDs I got him for Christmas. Amy’s dad hits her mom and the bottle equally hard. Dad says that’s why she loves her imaginary gay-bashing god so much. I think it’s just because she’s a bitch.
I wish people were more understanding, but my dad likes to remind me that it takes a rainy day to have a rainbow. Sometimes you have to weather the storm. I guess that’s why we have a rainbow flag on our front porch. And a rainbow bumper sticker on our car. And a purple house. We’re just reminding the world that it was meant to be full of color. That’s why Russ wears high heels once in a while (he only wears Manolo Blahnik- he’s such a brand whore) and dad weeps uncontrollably when he listens to Elton John. It’s also the reason I want to have highlights in my hair and want to grow up to be just like Ryan Seacrest. Because I want to sing and shine and be who I am no matter what anyone thinks!
But I also want to be able to call Russ my dad too. I hate introducing him as “my dad’s boyfriend”. That’s sooo 90’s. So America, hear my plea. Stop banning things and start accepting them. Just imagine the boon this would be to the wedding industry (not to mention 80’s cover bands). Guys like my dad and Russ don’t skimp on things like chair covers and centerpieces. We can help the economy!
Just two guys and a phallic image hanging out
The situation with my dad and Russ is as old as time. I mean, think of The Flinstones. They were around with the dinosaurs, but remember their song?
When you're with the Flintstones, have a yabba dabba doo time, a dabba doo time, we'll have a gay old time!
Well here we are, thousands of years later, and we’re having just as gay of a time as ever. Maybe even gayer. And if America allows my dad and Russ to get married (fingers crossed), then that will be the gayest old time ever!
I don't know Scott, you got the gay talk down to a science. you are way to good at that. "TMI" was a great choice. Good job.
That Guy
Well, OK
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Posted: 6/13/2006 10:08:01 AM
This one didn't annoy the hell out of me. Pretty good Mr. Hoffman.
Of course, the fact that this non-issue is going to become the Rednecks/Bible-Thumpers' rallying point for the next election(s) does annoy the piss out of me. Smokescreens.
Hey, America - you're in the fuckin' toilet right now. Let Claude and Rex get hitched, the world won't end, and maybe you can worry about some things that actually matter: the war(s), the sorry-assed economy, the mind-boggling deficit, and our ever-shrinkling civil liberties (isn't the "war on terror" supposed to be about *preserving* our freedoms and "way of life"?). Not to mention the healthcare crisis, the shitty schools, domestic crime, etc etc etc
bryan
kill that kid
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Posted: 6/13/2006 1:04:47 PM
the only thing worse than gays is black people. and gay black people. like, could there be anything gayer than a gay black person? besides a gay black member of the democratic party...it just sucks the life right from my peepee-hole thinking about... ugh...Seacrest out
justme
dumocrats
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Posted: 6/13/2006 1:08:15 PM
Only welfare loving people would believe that the US economy is bad. Get your facts straight as of the right facts not heterosexual.
I love hippies and homos. They are self-destructing fads. Do we see any hippies or hippies' kids any more? Homos can not have any biological kids any way. Fag on!
Christine
Justme
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Posted: 6/13/2006 1:23:23 PM
I couldn't agree more. I love fags and lesbos. I don't think the world would be the same without real flamers and butch dykes. I agree with ThatGuy's entire rant. Just shut the fuck up and let them get married. who gives a shit.
2nd Pic Caption:
Tonight on Dateline..........
deuce
2nd pic
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Posted: 6/13/2006 1:25:33 PM
"s" stand for "spurlock"
deuce
dammit
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Posted: 6/13/2006 1:26:09 PM
stand(s) for...
That Guy
justme
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Posted: 6/13/2006 1:54:23 PM
My basis for saying that the U.S. economy is bad:
1) the stock market 2) the real estate market 3) the job market 4) inflation 5) the deficit 6) interest rates
The rest of your comment is not worthy of a response (none of it was, really); and I am sure any additional ones you make will not be either.
P.S. You are a fucking idiot, and you owe us all several apologies.
Christine
3rd Pic
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Posted: 6/13/2006 1:56:11 PM
"say uh Fred....you a want me to bend over?"
"That's right Barn, and easy with the cocoa pebbles this time".
Vic
Hawwg! It's posted anyway!
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Posted: 6/13/2006 2:00:21 PM
Since I'm being ignored by the staff here and they'd rather post the drivel of Victor French (no relation to that smelly piece of crap), I'll post my work out to the masses anyway. Let me know what you guys think. The pics of the cars obviously aren't posted. This is going to have to be broken up because of their server.
CAR = YOU Around 1 a.m. last night after peeling out of a Wendy’s drive thru and passing people going home I came to the realization that you can pretty much find out all that you need to know about someone by the kind of car they drive. Correction, you can positively know every bit of a person’s makeup simply based on their car. Much better. As if I would be wrong. Pfft. So without further bush beating lets get to the nitty gritty.
JEEP WRANGLER
With Dave Matthews playing that loud, and your blood alcohol level that high, and with Stref, Rizzles and Frankie making all that noise, it is no wonder that you are about to flip over 34 times and be ejected face first into the very light you could have swore was green. No matter though, its much better for you to die this instantly than that horribly slow death you would have had from all the STD’s you acquired from that summer of “hogging”. On the plus side your Jeep is easy to fix up and a new loudmouth Aberzombie will get his/her perfect used car. Maybe you’ll get to haunt him.
MINI COOPER/VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE
You enjoy making witty comments and sitting Indian style whenever possible. Problem is you aren’t funny in the least bit and at least four people want to chuck rocks at the unbearable gayness of your being. If you are a girl driving any one of these, you do not bathe often and you shop only at Whole Foods. The gross amount of hair on your arms and underarms is even too uncomfortable for you but you remain unswayed. If you are a guy you deserve to be hauled out of said car and beaten in the streets. You have worked at least one day in a coffee shop or bookstore and enjoyed it. Your favorite games are Cranium and Hugger-Mugger. Whatever someone’s opinion is you take the opposite stance of. You are known to be longwinded, self-righteous, and I’m getting irritated just thinking of you.
TOYOTA CAMRY 88-94
Seriously we all know you’re doing the best that you can. This is as far as you are going in life and you know it. You had so much promise, but you were fated to be mediocre. You are not a shining star. You cannot recall the greatest time you ever had because nothing stands out. If you were to die, it would rain at your funeral and many would decline to follow your corpse to the cemetery. And the hearse would have a flat so the bumpy ride would mar your makeup. Miscalculations, overdraft fees, menial jobs, and fate have pigeon holed you. You sometimes contemplate moving away, but you lack enough funds to do so and you still owe at least a grand on the Camry. It’s a Mac and Cheese night.
*OPTION 2* You are from some god-forsaken area of the middle east and enjoy selling overpriced spoiled food at the convenience mart, Dunkin Donuts, or bazaar. You also attempt to barter in Best Buy and become vehement when asked to leave. Any accident you get into in this car is without a shadow of a doubt your fault.
FORD FESTIVA
You are somewhere between 220-400 lbs. You body is filled with diabetes and you constantly miss your insulin shots. Your meager budget causes you to worry and fret at random moments and you cry while you eat Doritos. You could care less about your diet and fill up on Frosty’s and Sour Patch Kids. You enjoy driving as fast as the car’s governor will possibly allow and taking tight turns, while your freckled fat face screams with glee. You may have red hair and are currently unemployed. At a moments notice you may fly out of the house and haul A to the White Hen to satisfy your Charleston Chew craving. You wear the same pair of black faded jean shorts every day and an Obitus shirt. You have scars along your arms and
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