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Close to death, but also a very hot broad, Gary correctly chooses the right head to sacrifice
Last time, we took a look at the scary dating prospects facing single women. Lest we forget, much like a gay man's ass, dating too, is a two-way street. Guys are faced with a similiarly disfunctional crop of potential mates, some of whom are no more than tit-laden cock-holsters and others that induce impotence with a mere glance. Single guys have the added burden of being the initiators of conversation. However, guys also benefit from dicks, which serve as autopilot in situations that may result in jackhammer-esque, fully-clothed, bathroom-stall dry-humping and/or heavy petting. But even the most sexually charged Troopmaster would have a hard time pitching a tent with this crew of single women—and not because they're boys. Let's meet the ladies
Heather Age 29, Elementary School Teacher You are bound to meet at least one teacher in the dating arena; they are beginning to outnumber illegal immigrants. It may be tempting to play out your dirty fantasy involving a hot teacher you had in high school, but resist the urge. This girl is probably willing to take it up the tailpipe and she’ll pretend to like everything you enjoy, like football or imported beer. But she’s just trying to lull you into submission. She’ll wear down your guard with crotchless panties and chocolate-flavored Anal-ease, but once you’ve seen her naked, the casual dating phase is over. Her biological clock is pounding, she’s going Corky-Thatcher about turning 30 soon, and she’ll try to condense a three-year relationship into six months. After your third date, you’ve got tampons in your bathroom and holes in your condoms. Everything revolves around kids and her fairytale wedding. Her moaning and screaming during sex has nothing to do with your pathetic pumping. She only begs for the hot beef injection so that she can flood her ovaries with baby-batter. There’s no changing her mind, so don’t even bother. She won’t rest until there are five little snot-factories crying non-stop and shitting themselves like they breathe Ex-lax. And you’ll be paying for them. You think she can afford to support her litter of brats on a teacher’s salary? Unless you’ve had a vasectomy or are an illegal immigrant in need of a green card, don’t risk a single date.
Jenn (yes, with two n’s) Age 25, Hairdresser/Esthetician/Part-Time Student One look at this girl and you’d be embarrassed to stand up in front of your grandmother. She’s drop-dead gorgeous, on the cutting edge of semi-slutty fashion, and—since it’s her job—is probably as well-groomed pubic-ly speaking, as the green at Pebble Beach. Nevermind the fact that she’s on her fourth community college in three years (pursuing her teaching degree, ironically) or that she can quote lines from Legally Blonde. Nope, you overlook all the obvious warning signs as Sergeant Schlong orders his 3rd Sperm Battalion to march north and occupy your brain, forcing Commander Common-sense to surrender.
It’s not until you’re spending your weekends watching marathons of "The Hills" in her studio apartment with her Golden Retriever, Reno, that you realize you’re dating a completely vapid and totally useless collection of molecules, held together by low-rise jeans, hair dye, and loads of mascara. By then, it’s too late. You’re doomed to spend your days discussing how she had to de-fur a fat Greek woman at work, or which sunless tanning product gives her the “most natural” orange hue. Enjoy that, Chief. Your best bet is to learn how to ejaculate from forehead stimulation, become one of her clients, and wear two pairs of boxers when you go for a haircut. You may think this is tantamount to prostitution, but you’re wrong. Hookers charge extra for a shampooing.
Blame the parents... and the Lexapro
Kelly Age 23, Administrative Assistant This recent graduate sports an impressive resume and a spectacular rack. Her librarian-like glasses are the stuff of fantasy and your dirty mind runs wild at the thought of “fucking” her in her office’s conference room (That’s what the kids are calling “the sex” these days, right?). You love the fact that she enjoys drinking as much as you do and still has that college frat-party mentality. She has a hot roommate and you’re pretty sure that they’ve shared intimate moments of sweet love during their frequent blackout-level binge drinking. You have wild sex at least twice a day and she usually passes out without any post-sex small talk. Everything seems fantastic. You’re happier than a pedophile at a Pine Wood Derby. However, when you discover her MySpace profile and see that she has 893 friends (and by “friends”, I mean “shirtless guys flexing”) who leave comments like, “Hey hun, luv the new pix. When u gonna come up again? That night wuz awesome. Luv ya sweetie,” you realize the ugly truth. Your girlfriend is a complete whore. She’s had more semen on her than a fleet of aircraft carriers. In her college sorority, she was voted “Most Likely to be Gang-Banged By an Entire Fraternity”—an award that she still has in her stupid “Sisterhood” sorority scrapbook. Continue to date her and you’ll inevitably find yourself jerking off to some amateur porn you found on the internet when you realize the girl in “XXX_Sexy_hot_webcam_amateur_college_drunk_teen_sorority_slut_bangs_guy_in_bathroom.mpeg” is actually her. And the guy is your brother.
It'd be funny if it wasn't your girlfriend... or my sister.
Meghan Age 27, Marketing Associate At first, she’s the Mercedes-Benz of single women. Sophisticated and sexy, she has class dripping out her ass. You’re actually a little intimidated by how focused and organized she seems to be. It’s probably that intimidation that makes her so attractive that you become immediately infatuated, even overlooking her full cheeks and thighs—a definite sign that she may pork up once she becomes “comfortable” in a relationship. Against your better judgment—and aside from your friends’ photoshopped images of her head on Ricki Lake’s body—you actively pursue a full-blown relationship. You poor, stupid fuck. Unlike Jay-Z, you now have 99 problems and the bitch IS one.
I feel bad for you, Son. You forgot to ask the one question every girl asks a potential mate, but every guy seems to overlook: you never asked about her last relationship. If you had, you would have discovered that her fiancé just broke off the engagement and moved to Hotlanta to pursue his dream of starting a record label. Under her cool and composed exterior, this caterpillar will emerge from her cocoon as a shark with a gun for a mouth. She’s so mad at men that she can’t even look at her father, but she has to prove to herself that she’s still the stuff of wet dreams. She won’t be ready for a relationship for at least a year, and you’re way too early on the rebound to reap any of the “re-discovering promiscuous sex phase” benefits. Too bad her little excursion into ego restoration comes at the expense of your pride.
Hope you can write off all those expensive dinners as “business expenses.” In the future, learn to cook. Cooking dinner for a girl has two benefits: 1) It’s more impressive than laying down a Benny for some crappy French cuisine and B) It gives you a great opportunity to check out her apartment for signs of recent relationships, altars to Satan, or a collection of sex toys that would confuse an octopus in an orgy.
If your dating someone that exhibits certain traits from all of these categories? The proverbial "Frankenstein" of women? Nevermind...this is every woman.
Good article
Milton
Jesus...
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Posted: 7/27/2006 8:56:35 AM
That was brilliant. I've run through them all and it ain't pretty.
Nice work!
The dude
Nice work
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Posted: 7/27/2006 9:10:30 AM
Haven't heard "baby batter" in a little while, way to bring it back. also the octopus in an orgy thing was priceless.
you provide an accurate portrayal of the 20-something trollups that are floating around...
Dan Dingle
Kudos
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Posted: 7/27/2006 9:11:23 AM
San-freakin'-sational, Musach. It's funny because it's true- keep up the great work.
Jefe
Brilliant
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Posted: 7/27/2006 9:38:05 AM
Of of TPP's best. Now I have a whole set of new euphemisms for my cock and spunk I can beat into the ground. Thank you!
s
mcdaniel!
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Posted: 7/27/2006 10:03:34 AM
aah, that musach...
3rd sperm battalion. slightly more organised than the airborne, i'm guessing. and "the sex". hilarious.
it's like a whole room of people falling down stairs.
John
Damn Beer Commercials
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Posted: 7/27/2006 10:11:01 AM
Thank you for once again (from a different angle) illuminating the real story behind those "its great to be 27 and single" beer/vodka/whatever commercials. Good article. Hey guys, if you graduate college and you have a hot normal girlfriend with a normal family, dont take the chance on being single again. Just cheat on her till you get it out of your system, then get married. Atleast thats my plan.
goatlover
Musach the master
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Posted: 7/27/2006 10:33:16 AM
I have to be honest, the description of Jenn made me want to run out and pound 6 captain-n-cokes while assuring her that I do, in fact, respect her for staying with her education goals.
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