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CABO SAN LUCAS (AP)- John Tillson recovered Friday as he took aim at Mexico's Baja California peninsula, where authorities were still questioning witnesses in the previous night's altercation, after a fishbowl Margarita race resulted in a draw. Originally considered a Category 3 party-machine, John was recently upgraded to Category 4 after last nights 10:38 PM break-up with this girlfriend. While outsiders believe this was to prevent from feeling guilty after this weekend, a beleaguered Tillson said, “Fuck that muggy cunt”.
John, still inebriated from the 13 Car Bombs taken at the previous evening's Happy Hour, was expected to make landfall somewhere along the southern tip of the peninsula around midday. The corporate conference would be the first of his career at Goldberg, Wang, and El Amin.
John was about one hour northeast of Cabo San Lucas Friday, already drinking heavily with his tie completely loosened. A inner cabin warning was given to all stewardesses, after John mentioned six times how “awesome” he was to a stewardess and told her if she “kept them coming she might get a ticket to the mile high…” at which point he paused to insult an 8-year old who clearly needed dental work.
As the storming chug-o-holic approached, friends on Thursday commented on their concerns for the weekend. Tommy McElway, a 26 year-old trust funder, remarked “John is bombed right now, but wait till you see that animal in Cabo. He missed 1 of our 8 spring break trips there and I can totally see him making up for it in a big way”. Tommy then ordered two rounds of Patron shots on John’s tab and lied about his salary to a 21 year-old design student, who promptly poured out the drink she had left near him on the bar.
Cabo: Now With Less Herpes than Seattle
Across the peninsula, strippers, coke dealers, cab drivers, and corrupt police prepared for another big corporate getaway weekend. When asked the effect on business, local blow distributor Raul Sanchez-Ramirez, 14, stated “Man, if it wasn’t for these expense accounting douche bags I’d be stuck feeding my kids fish scale.” While some will weather the storm for business, as usual, others are taking special precautions. Jose Maria-Steinman, Assistant Manager at a local resort, commented that “This season we are putting plastic liners on all the beds. These guys pee themselves more than more than Paris Hilton at a dirty martini giveaway.”
Meanwhile, between 7,000 and 8,000 tourists who remained in Cabo San Lucas were unaware of the impending storm of John Tillson, less than two hours from arriving to the bar at his resort.
"There's no other place to go," said Bill Crowley, a 46-year-old tourist from Lakewood, Colo. "I just wish they’d schedule these things for when those skanks from Laguna Beach are here. That new bitchy blond one is so hot; she reminds me exactly of one of my daughter’s slutty friends.”
The last reports received stated that John had popped his collar and was ready to “get hammered and totally nail that pig from HR.”
Meanwhile, arriving only two hours behind John was Kristi Lewis, a fashion buyer who, despite having her Gatorade bottle of pre-mixed Cosmos taken away at airport security was half-bombed off diet pills and Pinot Grigio, and was considered a possible Category 5 after refilling a fake Xanax prescription and finding out her ex-boyfriend is engaged.
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