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Its tourist season!
BANGKOK – As tanks rolled through Thailand’s capitol on Monday, all now ex-prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra could do was sit and watch his country’s leadership change hands. “This fucking blows.” said Shinawatra. “I finally get one day of vacation, and I end up having to go to the UN, and now this shit!”
The coup happened over night while the former Prime Minister slept in his hotel in New York, completely unaware that he was losing his seat as the Southeast Asian country’s Prime Minister. “I keep telling you, man, I don’t know what happened, I had it made in that place. The last time I was party to a bloodless coup my wife got pregnant. This is worse.”
For the time being the leader of Thailand’s military has said that he will take over the administrative duties of the Government and is evoking an age-old Thai policy which he calls “Marcia Raw”. This news source cannot confirm the meaning of Marcia Raw as of yet, however we have determined that it does not involve hookers. When we asked Shinawatra about the new policy he told us to “go fuck ourselves” and that “the general meant martial law you racist hockey”. Sources later confirmed that the former prime minister actually said honky.
There has been no word on the former Prime Minister’s plans now that he is no longer head of the Thai government. When asked what his immediate future looked like Shinawatra replied “How the crap am I supposed to know? I was Prime Minister, and now I don’t even know if I can go back. I’ll probably end up in Dubai, I was planning on going over there to see if Michael Jackson is still harboring some of our younger citizens, we need them back, I need all the support I can get”.
Later, bitch
So far there has been little reaction from the US state department regarding the coup. When we tried to reach Condoleeza Rice for comment she mentioned something about having eaten “way too much curry” for lunch and that she was about to throw down a Thai coup d’etat in the white house stall. This was not the official statement issued by the state department, which we anticipate will be announced later on in the week.
When asked his opinion on the ouster of Shinawatra as the Thai Prime Minister, president Bush replied “Since when is Sinatra Thailand’s Prime Minister? I knew ‘ol blue eyes had to still be around, and why wouldn’t he be in Thailand, easy to get some yum-yum over there, if you know what I mean. Not that he had any problems over here, I mean, the guy got more ass than a toilet seat. Speakin’ of, anyone checked on Condi?”
As for the newly empowered general, he has said that he anticipates little change in the daily life of the Thai people and its tourism industry. “Did you see the way we kicked that Karr guy out? Now, what kind of message does that send our tourists? Seriously, I’m asking you, without really weird white guys creeping around our country trolling for young chicks, where would be as a nation?” The General then touched his crotch and revealed a slight smirk on his face. “We have risen in the global ranks as one of the leaders in perverse tourism, we even coined the phrase ‘happy ending’. You know what that is don’t cha?” The general was unavailable for further comment as he had begun to slide his hand down the front of his uniform and we decided to leave.
The general will remain in power until at least the next elections which are to be held in October 2007. As for the former Prime Minister “I’m just hoping that this can be resolved as soon as possible.” When asked if he was looking for a happy ending to the whole situation Shinowatra replied “yes, that’s exactly what I want, a good happy ending for all.” In a follow up phone call the general has reportedly agreed with that statement.
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