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Ladies! Seriously, ladies!
Excuse me, what time does this restaurant close? 10:30? Oh, thank goodness, it's only 10:27! We'll have a table for 6, please.
Oh gosh, I don't know what I want yet. Do you, ladies? Just give us a few minutes to look over the menu, ok? Seriously, how rude, right, ladies? Ok, wait, come back! We know we're going to start with 6 really time-consuming and hard-to-make cocktails. I'll have a mixture of whatever you've already put away, on the rocks, please. What's that, ladies? Ok, make it 6! Good thing we got a good buzz going from those three bottles of posh, expensive red wine we had before we left Brianna's house! That buzz will make us that much more difficult for you to deal with!
Excuse me, miss? I know you're "busy" with all the other "customers" in here, but we'd like to order now. Seriously, ladies. There is NO ONE else in here, am I right? And all the lights are on all bright - can we please dim those a bit? We're paying customers, here. And can you please tell that Mexican guy to stop buffing the floor right by us? Seriously, ladies, how rude, right? Ok, we are each going to have a steak, but 6 different ways, please. Stacey wants hers medium rare, no mushrooms, Tiff wants hers medium with extra onions and a side of BBQ sauce, I want mine rare with a side of another steak, Brianna wants hers well done, but not cut open, Claudia wants hers medium, but a little pink inside and she wants hers cut open and Stacie with an 'e' wants hers in a half portion with no potato because she thinks she's getting fat. Wait, can you please repeat that back to me? I want to make sure you don't fuck this up. I know you don't have to be a genius to be a waitress. Right, ladies?
What do you mean we can't smoke in this section? There's NO ONE else in here! You've got to be kidding me. You mean I have to go OUTSIDE to smoke? Do you know how cold it is out there? Seriously, ladies, we have rights as smokers, am I right? I don't care if there's a smoking ban-whatever, or if you're stupid manager is pregnant, I have an addiction that forces me to be a slave to the vice that I am too weak in character to break free of! Seriously, ladies! Besides, my boyfriend says I look really hot when I smoke.
Alright, excuse me? I'm sorry to complain, but can we please get a CLEAN ashtray? This one is disgusting. It has, like, ashes in it and I don't want to look at that. I know the black dirt in this dish is kind of foreshadowing the decay of my blackened, nicotine-soaked lungs, but I'd rather ignore my impending death, if you don't mind. Right, ladies? Seriously. Ladies.
I have rights as a smoker, bitch!
We want more drinks!
Miss? OK, keep this quiet, but it's Stacie's birthday today and we want to get her a piece of taramisu! Please gather up the 3 beleaguered waitresses that are waiting for us to leave so they can go home to sing happy birthday to Stacie! She's gonna be so f-ing surprised! I mean, who would have thought to surprise her with a dessert when we're out at a restaurant for her birthday? Who would've?!
I'm starting to really feel those drinks even though the bartender watered them down and spit in them because we're bitches! I think it's time to start talking about my sex life really loud, in graphic detail! My boyfriend loves when I blow him! I've watched porn before and I totally copy the way they do it on there, you know, with the big trail of spit hanging off-
I refuse to believe that anyone I admire or worship in US Weekly ever worked in a restaurant.
Um, excuuuuuse me, waitress? Why did we get charged for this taramisu? You're supposed to give people free things when it's someone's birthday. Don't you know how to do your fucking job?
Yes, I know you're closed NOW, but we were in the restaurant before you closed at 10:30. Even though it is now 12:15, we still deserve good service, if you can manage it, you useless bitch! I bet you wish it was you sitting at this table with your closest gal-pals, chatting and drinking and being vacuous! But no, you're probably some struggling actor that I will have no respect for until you suddenly become famous and appear in the tabloid magazines I buy like crack on the street corners; only then will I not only respect you, but worship you and throw up in the bathroom to be as skinny as you, and cry because I never had the guts to try to achieve the dreams I still suppress to this day!
But until then, bring me some fucking water, waiter girl!
Posts: 1 Rank: 379 Joined:
12/18/2006
Location:
Bundaberg, Australia
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:39:36 AM
I loved it. The constant "right, ladies?" got annoying, but I know it's the fucking annoying character. I work part-time in a restaurant kitchen, and it's a fucking pain in the arse to have customers walk in at the death of the night. Well done.
Hey, an article not about the superbowl! Thank you for going outside your box. the box. whatever. If people werent assholes to waiters, we'd all end up with a coke addiction and stuck working at a shuckeys for the rest of our lives. It's these bitches that give us motivation to get the fuck out.
This sounds like it was written from personal experience because the details are spot on. Nothing is worse than the group of bitches at any time in a restaurant, but it's 10 times as bad when they get in as you're just about to lock the door.
A word to the wise: NEVER mess with people who handle your food.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 20 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 2/7/2007 10:36:45 AM
only the greediest bastard mangers & bosses would allow this abomination to happen. a potential $500 in sales revenues as your $7500 an hour overhead is humming along.. how are you still in business?
this was great. outstanding attention to detail.
p.s. their drink order: strawberry/ rasberry frozen margaritas. 1/2 with salt, 1/2 without. die.
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 2/7/2007 11:07:39 AM
"Look Christine, I told you last week, I got no advice for ya. Charlie only loves ya BEFORE the asshole falls out. Now go wash up and get the FUCK OUT OF HERE before Britney's lawyer shows up!"
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