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Catch of the Day: My Dignity
Ladies, we have something we have to break to you. You know all those gestures that you fawn over and use as evidence for why a man would make a perfect lifelong companion forever and ever and ever? Well, those are really just the tip of the old iceberg. In reality, the true signs of affection are done without you knowing. In your vast, in-depth "knowledge" of the male mind that you derived from comprehensive studies in Cosmo on the complex web between Brad, Angelina, Vince, and Jen (a web that for some reason continues to baffle all those with no penis), there is a sea of affection that lurks just beneath the surface of what you actually are aware of. Let us dive into this sea and determine how a man really shows affection:
Perceived sign of affection: You'll never forget how that beautiful moderately priced necklace made its way to your neck. It was a snowy night and we were having dinner in the restaurant we met at, Il Divino. Suddenly, as dessert is about to come, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the box containing the jewelry. You wept as I put it on your neck, kissed your ear, and whispered, "I love you."
Real sign of affection: Ninety-minutes later, as I pulled your enormous panties to the floor, i caught a wiff of a boat full of gutted mackerel that had been left to drift across the Atlantic Ocean for thirty days in the sweltering August sun. I thought I wouldn't be able to go through with it - seeing how I vomited three times in my mouth the moment the wretched wafting fumes attacked my nostrils. But I did go through with it, didn't I? And you never had any idea the hell I'd thrown my face into. Even when I got up moments afterward and hurled $120 worth of Italian food into the toilet and told you that, "I think it was shellfish," you had no clue. Oh, and as for the necklace, it was originally a gift to my old girlfriend. Earlier that day I inadvertently found it in a pile of her thongs that I keep hidden in my golf bag.
Lying, if it's done to protect your feelings, is the most considerate form of real affection.
Perceived sign of affection: I agreed to go to your mother's house for the weekend and build a wheelchair ramp for her after she had broken her hip. You thought it was so sweet that I cared about your Grandmother's well being.
Real sign of affection: That was the weekend my friends called me at the last minute to go to Reno with them - within two hours of entering Reno they had each earned $4000 a piece gambling on football. The money allowed them to purchase an exorbitant amount of expensive alcohol and the healthiest looking strippers for the whole weekend. They even found an underground cockfighting ring in some Mexican dude's house where they won another $500 betting on a rooster named El Tiburon. My cousin Ray even got into a fight with a real live black guy - everyone got to witness it, except me. They talk about it to this day. And yet, while El Tiburon was pecking the eyes out of his opponent in an air-conditioned basement in Nevada, I was slaving in 90 degree weather while your bitch-ass mother complained about the pace of construction and made whispered slurs about my "Jew nose"? Doesn't she know I'm Irish-Catholic?
Caving into guilt at the expense of personal enjoyment is a real form of affection.
Perceived sign of affection: Last year, you were out of town for work. You called me and asked me to take your nineteen-year-old sister to the movies because she was depressed after breaking up with her boyfriend the week before. I drove all the way to her college and picked her up from gymnastics practice. We drove to a nearby theater, picked up some popcorn and Milkduds, and comfortably planted ourselves to watch Ocean's Eleven. You called and thanked me the next day, saying your sister thought I was "super cool." You saw it as another step towards me being universally adored by your family.
You Use to Love Cock Too
Real sign of affection: Even before George Clooney was let out of prison she offered to blow me. For exactly fourteen-seconds I was paralyzed in deliberation: to accept a complimentary BJ from your sister who is ten-years younger, twenty-pounds lighter, and an D1 college gymnast, or to decline? The answer was simple: she only gave me a handjob. After the movie, I drove her back to her dorm, walked her to the door, told her to not worry about the break-up, and left. I held back that night. I never penetrated your sister - no matter how much she pleaded with me.
So, while winning over a girl's family is an important sign of affection to a woman, always placing the woman first is a real form of affection.
Perceived sign of affection: Last week, the most wonderful thing in our lives happened. We gave birth to an eight-pound baby girl. I held your hand during the labor, was supportive and attentive. You cried in my arms while I told you that you had never been more beautiful.
Real sign of affection: Last week I had to witness a sweaty, drugged up, heaving rhinoceros release a gelatinous eight pound combination of our DNA. Seeing blood, mucus, and some kind of yellow goo come out of my favorite physical feature of yours has forever altered my perception of you. I never thought I would say this, but I am no longer interested in that hatchet wound of yours after seeing all the things that it can do. The pleasurable opening I grew to love would now be as sexually useful as a glass of luke-warm water. While I was holding your hand I was concentrating on a fixed point on the wall trying to fight the nausea and dizziness that was created from the horrible combination of screaming, a smell that combines BO and entrails, and the sinking realization that every time we sex from now on I'll be thinking about the fact that my kid once wore your vagina like a mock turtle neck.
Always, putting the safety and comfort of your woman first is a real form of affection.
*****
Why do we enter into these relationships where we must sacrifice so much? We distribute and redistribute jewelry, we spend time with anti-Semitic mothers, we take your sexually charged teenage gymnast sister out to movies, and hold your hand as it crushes our fingers in its sweaty grasp with no problem at all. We submit to these massive inconveniences routinely. Years of relationship experience has conditioned us to do these things for any woman. If you want to appreciate the real sacrifices a man makes, if you ever question whether you're special or whether we still love you, look in the mirror and meticulously analyze every flaw. Look at every stretch mark, every mole with hair coming out of it, every cellulite ridden dimple in your thighs and ass, and remember all the times we could have, but didn't, fuck your friend Angie - you know, the one with fake breasts, a spray-on tan, and a tongue ring.
True affection is shown by the sacrifices we make: sacrifices you will never know about.
..also Golfbags are top hiding spots from girlfriends/wifes, but your buddy may need to borrow some tees and find a midget call girl and a bottle of wild turkey. thats no prob though.
Posts: 368 Rank: 26 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 5/8/2007 9:02:18 AM
This line: "My kid once wore your vagina like a mock turtle neck," was great. Otherwise, I can't relate. Seems like the author made some bad decisions/sacrifices that didn't need to be made. I mean, having kids? Really?
Muenster: How come you have to hide the botte of Wild Turkey?
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 5/8/2007 9:50:53 AM
but first, i would like to ask everyone to take a moment of silence and remember one of the great fighters of our era, and thus far the baddest motherfucker to walk the in the mandalay bay casino. here's to you Chico! vaya con dios amigo...
Posts: 92 Rank: 200 Joined:
1/24/2007
Location:
Detroit, MI
Posted: 5/8/2007 9:59:43 AM
strong or gay man to turn down that BJ - "I held back that night. I never penetrated your sister - no matter how much she pleaded with me." loved this line... but if you go by the standards a lot of girls i know went by in high school, so they could still say they were virgins, anal penetration isn't really sex...
Although the window into your somewhat sad, pathetic, ever declining life has made me proud of all of my "bad" decisions, showing "lack of character". I will always bang the little gymnast. That just has to be your first priority. And for the record, I'd cum in her eye.
broke up with my ex right after christmas and she gave me the (expensive) necklace I'd purchased for her long before, when I still gave a shit, back. My first thought was, sweet, next year is taken care of.
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