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Bobby D = Great Bobby D's Wang = Gross
Full-frontal nudity in film… you got to love it! Everyone guy loves when his favorite actress finally takes it all off. I think the fascination starts with the feeling of familiarity we have with celebrities. It’s almost like seeing someone who you know getting naked. Curiosity is a powerful force, and since actresses are always at least a little sexual in movies, sexual curiosity is built up over time.
It’s kind of a weird phenomenon when you think about it. But what is even weirder is when male actors insist on breaking out their junk on screen. Do women get off on seeing some dude’s flaccid, hairy tool on the big screen? I bet not. Especially since it is almost never the George Clooney’s of the world letting the boys hang free. Typically it's some guy who even the most sex-starved movie groupie would pass over for a dolly grip.
In any event, I think it is important to keep a registry of the men who have committed this crime against moviegoers. I have assembled the worst offenders. This isn’t because they have done it the most often, or even because their scenes are especially offensive. The reason they made this list is because they have RUINED an otherwise good movie.
Robert DeNiro in “The Deer Hunter” This movie is great, but why do I have to see Bobby D’s schlong? Come on! It’s a Vietnam movie, which I love. It’s about regular Midwestern guys, which I am. But there is that moment when that penis shows up and I am totally taken out of the movie. Every time! In my head I think, “Yep, I just saw Robert DeNiro’s penis.”
Ewan McGregor in “Trainspotting” Trainspotting is great. A fantastic movie, and the scene where Ewan character is having sex with the high school chick is great, but then he pulls off the condom in silhouette. Totally unnecessary! Ewan is a repeat offender too. He has been in several movies that costar Jimmy and the twins. Fortunately the rest of them are terrible.
Tim Robbins in “The Player” What’s up with director Robert Altman insisting on showing penises on screen? He did it again in “Short Cuts” with Huey Lewis. That’s right Huey Lewis of Huey Lewis and the News. What the hell? Never in my darkest nightmares did I think I would be subjected to seeing Huey Lewis’ penis, but there it was in this otherwise innocent film. Damn you Altman!
Richard Gere in “American Gigglo” Richard Gere… you son of a bitch. This movie is pretty solid, but Gere’s ding-dong is all over the place. I guess I should have expected it, but that doesn’t make it okay.
Harvey Keitel in “Bad Lieutenant” Let's face it. This is a difficult, disturbing film in the first place. And with Keitel’s wrinkly junk flopping around, it makes this film almost unwatchable.
Marky Mark in “Boogie Nights” This one is almost forgivable because it is a fake penis, and it happens at the very end. You can pretty much stop the movie right before Marky Mark pulls out that giant plastic tube steak and not miss anything.
Bruce Willis in “Pulp Fiction” Even though it is only second and it is pretty much obscured by a towel, it is still a penis, and it is still totally unnecessary. As a matter of fact, I pretty much skip that whole section of Pulp Fiction every time I watch it. Now to be fair, ‘Lil Willis isn’t the only reason. That annoying bitch girlfriend of his character is a fucking nightmare. I can’t stand her constant whining in that infuriating accent.
Tom Cruise in “All the Right Moves” All The Right Movies is great. But Tom Cruise and Lea Thompson’s virginity ending romp is ruined by the appearance a penis. Sad too, because Thompson is in her prime and it would otherwise be a pretty hot scene. It has been rumored that Cruise actually had a body double for his brief frontal. However, Lea Thompson bared it all! What a pussy Tom Cruise is, if this is true.
Tom a pussy for not showing penis?
I’m not sure which is more disturbing, seeing Tom Cruise’s penis, or the fact that I have seen a completely anonymous penis belonging to a man I couldn’t pick out of a line up. Shit, for all I know I’ve run into the guy here in LA somewhere…
Alright, I am going to go watch a lesbian porno. All this penis talk has made me jones for the sight of some soft curves and hairless well-endowed chests.
Additional reporting by M. Thomas L., Chad Zumock and Charlie DeMarco.
I hate to add anything else to this awful collection, but Bruce Willis also deserves to burn in hell for his cock's cameo in the Color Of Night in the pool scene. That little chick that gets naked with him is sooo hot, then out pops Bruce's Die Hard. Uggh! Plus the movie is fucking awful. I almost canceled my cable service after that.
Another awful one was Vincent Gallo in The Brown Bunny, but at least he gets blown by Chloe Sevigny. And I mean it. They actually show her slob the knob. But the amount of knob was definitely still uncalled for.
hajirock
short cuts
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Posted: 4/4/2005 1:00:26 PM
But who can forget Huey Lewis's member in Altman's "Short Cuts"?
yo
bacon
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Posted: 4/4/2005 5:43:13 PM
Kevin Bacon in Wild things definitely deserves an honorable mention. That ruins an otherwise great movie.
jimmy
Slow your roll there, yo
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Posted: 4/4/2005 6:20:31 PM
No one forgot Kevin Bacon's dong in "Wild Things," but to call it "an otherwise great movie" is utter madness. "Wild Things" is a goddamn mess of a movie, Bacon's sausage is just the side dish to an omlette of bad acting, plot holes, and pedestrian filmmaking. And let us not fail to mention that Denise Sheen was the "winner" of the Top 50 Worst Acting Performances in a Film just last month.
M
Girl's Eye View
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Posted: 4/5/2005 2:39:03 AM
You are right, there is nothing sexy about it on the big screen.
blinded by the dong
Holy Smoke
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Posted: 5/24/2005 6:05:23 PM
If we are going to talk about Keitel's Harvey let's not leave out this ricockulous movie that wasn't good before, during or after the full on frontal. Again? Why Harve? Why?
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