Posts: 176 Rank: 25
Member Since:
8/14/2006
Location:
The Lou, KY
Posted: 3/17/2008
Better than a Roth IRA
Hey, Boxcar Willy! Why don't you stop licking the rim of that garbage can and come over here for a minute? Being homeless doesn't have to be horrible. Sure, you don't have any foldable money and the elderly take up all of the good cots at the shelter, but think of the positives. There are Regular Joes that would kill to be in your shoes (pardon the pun), so take advantage of it!
YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T BITCH AT YOU. The upside to the fact that other homeless people and rape victims are t...
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Posts: 4360 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:44:05 AM
The title alone make this a great piece, but it was also very funny. Good job el jefe.
One time, me and my roommate were fucked up (surprise!) and we were leaving this bar and I fell (Surprise) I was so embarrassed that instead of getting up. I stayed there and told everyone walking by that that block of cement was my new home and I wasn't leaving. I even pulled out files from my work bag and started doing work. My roommate pleaded with everyone walking by to get me up.
Finally, this couple stopped and the husband got me to get up. We talked to them for a while and my roommate and the guy started making out right in front of his wife. She laughed it off and said she didn't care.
A homeless guy walked by at that moment selling dead roses and the wife started making out with the homeless guy right in front of her husbands face.
Now that is revenge, my friends. If they stayed married all she has to say is, "yeah, well I made out with a homeless guy and you kissed me after that".
This homeless guy tried to rob me. One guy was wanting me to go to this alley because his friend was sick. I could see other guy bent over.
I'm guessing he was feigning sickness. So I pretended I didn't know English. The guy left me alone. When in doubt, Spanish out. It's also a good way to get rid of those pesky Mormons.
Christine, your post hurts my weary brain this morning, I know you are an hour ahead, but I am just not ready for those visuals, the article was a summer breeze compared to your take. Ouch.
Oh course it is my fault, I know you hadn't called this weekend but if you had I think this would have transpired more or less:
Christine: Still Drinking? Hyde: Yup, you still drinking? Christine: Whenever I get the chance. Hyde: Ok, bye.
Two dollars means a snack to me, but it means a big deal to you. Go ahead Mr. Wendell.
Posts: 1152 Rank: 14 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:59:48 AM
No? But what if I laughed...and I did? Still no? Fine. The scabby lips line was great, as was the shitty Astronaut comment. I really enjoyed this, but I have a knot in my stomach mostly because I have no excuse for my scummy genitals.
First of all, thanks for not having a stupid St. Patrick's Day article. Also, I really think Toque will enjoy this take on some of his clientele.
I break down the homeless into a couple categories. If you were born into a decent life, without mental illness, then Fuck You. You're a drug addict. You made choices and this is where you ended up. I really hate seeing young kids, probably from suburbia, with dreadlocks and a drugged out face. Fuck you. Seriously. And if you were born into a decent life, but with inherited mental illness...and you ended up homeless and an addict...I feel kind of bad...but only if you never had the opportunity to take medications.. Finally, I have genuine sympathy for those born into squalor and therefore ended up homeless...and likely mentally ill and addicted. The article was still funny though.
Also, you all suck. And I mean that from the bottom of my coal-black heart. I want my old life back. If only for today. I want to be drinking in a pub -- maybe not at this second -- but by 11 at the latest. Not going to happen.
Just kidding. My heart's big...but you all stick suck it.
Posts: 1680 Rank: 8 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:01:58 AM
What a great article, amazing job Jefe.
Other advantages:
Never getting stuck in rush hour traffic. Shit, if anything you benefit from it. What better to tug at someones heart strings than watching you get snowed/rained on while they are stuck at a merge lane to the freeway for 5 minutes.
Posts: 1152 Rank: 14 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:10:01 AM
That was a repulsive story, even by my standards. Nice job.
I feel bad about saying this about your roommate, because I'm positive that she was abused, but she is a skank and should never give you crap about bringing home dudes you hate...regardless of her daughter's presence.
That guy's wife. I'm not sure whether she's gross too or just over-the-top hysterical.
Posts: 4360 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:15:34 AM
I think she was over the top hysterical. After she did it she stole all his roses!!! I was dying.
My roommate is not a skank. But she did fuck my brother this weekend. I don't know how I feel about this. Since she has a boyfriend and I love my wittle brother. He's my best friend. I just thought he'd have higher standards.
But I fucked her brother so two years ago so.....I guess we're even.
Mr. Hyde, did you give me your number? Was I drunk? Don't answer that.
You remember the sterilization case? Here is the quote, 2008 has got nothing on 1927:
"It is better for all the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind…Three generations of imbeciles are enough." — Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., in Buck v. Bell, 1927
About a month ago, I am outside a bar where a Veteran with a fake leg who leads a pretty well adjusted life is fuming about this beggar on a nearby corner. The vagrant is in a whell chair, and the vet is going on about how he is a phony and this vet does so much work in the community and with charities to help the truly needed and how he tries to be exemplary. I'm listening not all that intently and wondering if the vet has had too many, when a car stops for the beggar in the wheel chair and the passenger is trying to hand out so change. The exchange is difficult as the car window is high off the ground. This guy in the wheel chair simply stands up to accept. The vet about blew a vein in his head - can't make that stuff up.
Posts: 1152 Rank: 14 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:26:47 AM
I love how they used to use words in a more literal way: "degenerate", "idiot", "imbecile". Although "invalid" was harsh, despite changing the emphasis to the first syllable.
I like the homeless. They allow for games that we otherwise couldn't have. I like to get hammered up and create competitions for them. It's amazing what they'll do for freakin 5 spot.
Chrissie - you would be the worst defense attorney ever: The defendant could not possibly have murdered the victim, although he did just beat someone to death yesterday, without much provocation, but still, he's just not a violent guy.
Posts: 1095 Rank: 13 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:52:16 AM
That Ruling is still being contested. I will submit my reasoning for my actions with this:
"Cybermen were originally a wholly organic species of humanoids originating on Earth's twin planet Mondas that began to implant more and more artificial parts into their bodies. This led to the race becoming coldly logical and calculating, with emotions usually only shown when naked aggression was called for."
I believe I was in the right when she said that I was to "eat her", I had to follow the "persona" of the Cyberman, and do so. They did not have to circle around us and cheer me on. Although it was exciting at first, it really killed the mood when everyone wanted me to "upload" myself into her. Uncalled for!
Posts: 4360 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:11:14 AM
Her boyfriend sucks. He doesn't even tip. He doesn't even take her out anywhere. She is with him solely for sex purposes. Not that its right to cheat. but the guy is an asshole.
Also, I agree with your suburban kid homeless theory. Just go home. Stop bitching and go home. Strict parents or whatever can't be as bad as getting your food from a trash can.
I always see dirty dred locked kids begging for money with signs that read: Traveling. need money.
So do I, assholes. Why should I give it to you? So you can see more stuff than I?
Posts: 390 Rank: 29 Joined:
8/29/2007
Location:
Boston, MA
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:18:27 AM
homeless are celebrities here. We have this one who calls himself The Chili Guy and a local radio station does an entire segment on him everyday. The Chilogies, it's called. They even offered him a job in the studio but he declines because apparantly he owns the Red Sox and but is currently a cornerback for the Jets.
Also, my left eye is twitching uncontrollably. Somebody please make it stop. It's quite exhausting.
"Traveling. Need money." Might be the worst pitch for cash I've ever heard. Game: Write some pitches for $$ if you were homeless. Could be good, I'll try:
"It ain't easy with that sumbitch Bush in the white house." "401k my fucking ass Enron!" "Jesus Saves" "My hedge fund advisor was atrocious"
