Youve just graduated college and the world is your oyster. Youre going straight to the top because thats what they told you. Nothings going to hold you back- at least not yet. Ah, but time is a cruel adversary and soon it will have you down on your knees begging for it all to end, desperately pleading for something tangible to hang your hat on but were getting ahead of ourselves here. Back to the point.
What we will be examining is the all-too-common and often tragic path of the modern working man. While this is a well-treaded subject, we will attempt to give it a fresh look by paralleling the journey to the famed 1980s puzzle, the Rubiks Cube (which incidentally turned 25 this year).
See, we all start out as a fresh, clean cube that is perfectly symmetrical and easy to look at. Over time, we are twisted and turned in so many different directions that many of us can never find our way back to the original state of harmony in which we once existed. The primary reason for this is our job.
Were told that the American Dream is ours for the taking. What they fail to mention is that it comes at a heavy price. You may as well sell your soul to the devil because hell give you more in return than they will. Plus, hell take it all at once, not dragged out over time under the glow of flickering fluorescent lights.
So we will examine the stages of this process in which so many of us exist. For many of you there may still be hope. You may be in the early stages and still have a way out. For the rest of you, there is at least comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
Stage 1: 0-3 months Hey, its all good
They call this the probationary period. Its an appropriate term. They also have probation periods for convicts that are released. The only difference is when the convicts complete their probation, they are set free. When the working man passes, his prison sentence is just beginning.
Youve got a new desk, a virus-free computer (for now) and a good attitude. Everything is new to you. They even let you bring in a CD player. Youre happy to be working for such an employee-friendly company. Your Rubiks Cube is fresh out of the box, unblemished.
Stage 2: 3 months to 1 year Theres something happening here
Youre still cool with your job. Youve gotten used to your bi-monthly check, and you just financed a new car. Youve only wanted to quit a few times, but those were just moments of emotional frustration. You could see yourself moving up the ladder and making some real coin one of these days.
However, you have noticed a few older guys in your position still slaving away. Ah, but they dont have your gumption. They were passive and let the job beat them down. Not you though; youve got drive. Management has even taken a special interest in you. Youve only begun to twist your cube, but you can easily find your way back anytime.
Stage 3: 1-2 years What it is aint exactly clear
You are an expert at your job. You know how to handle every situation they throw at you, and youre ready to be promoted. Anyone can see its time for you to move on to the next level. Anyone that is, besides your boss. Hes perfectly happy having you do his shit work all day while he's taking long lunches with his mistress and playing golf with the other managers. Youve become a desk jockey, which at times can be made to feel smaller and more diminutive that any jockey at the racetrack.
Youre starting to get a bit jaded but you cant quit. You just signed a one-year lease on a new apartment with hardwood floors. Youve got a steady girl with expensive tastes and if you walk, shes out the door for sure. The cube is starting to get a bit complicated, but with some work you could still get back to where you started.
Still got a chance
Stage 4: 2-5 years Help me if you can Im feeling down
Youve gotten one lousy promotion that amounted to nothing more than a title change and a 10% bump in your salary, but your day-to-day duties have not changed. You remain unchallenged and unhappy. Youve had your resume online, but the only interest it has generated is from companies exactly like yours, where you will have to prove yourself all over again. You never listen to CDs anymore, opting instead for your local Top 40 radio station to help get you through the day.
You are happy about your new engagement, but dreading the cost of the wedding. Ever since she was a little girl, she has always dreamed of the perfect wedding. Unfortunately, her parents are divorced and her dad isnt around, so any thoughts of her family honoring the tradition of the brides parents absorbing the wedding costs are down the drain. She also just quit her job as a cosmetics clerk at Macys so that shell have plenty of time to plan the wedding. You can still remember your old self, but that guy is fast becoming a distant memory. Your cube is treading dangerously on the point of no return.
Stage 5: 5-10 years Wont you please, please help me?
Well, youre married now, and youve even got a kid. Outside the office life is fine, but the problem is you dont get out enough. Youve been promoted again, but now your workload has doubled while your pay has not. Youre making more money, but your wife has managed to adjust the family budget accordingly. You are a boss now, but these punk kids that work underneath you just fuck around on the internet all day and never get any work done.
Youd love to go get your Masters Degree and leave it all behind to become a teacher or something. Theres just one problem- the mortgage. Your wife wouldnt let you buy the fixer you had your eye on as an investment, opting instead for the ready-to-move-in home that you won in a bidding war. Nearly fifty percent of your check goes toward your loan payment, while the other fifty goes to the wife and the kid. When you hint at her getting a job to help out, she is quick to remind you that raising your kids is her job. Each time you have this conversation you end up sleeping on the couch. You are going to need some serious assistance to get your cube anywhere near its original state.
Stage 6: 10-20 years Letting the days go by
This is your last chance to jump ship, but it will cost you your marriage, kids (thats right, she forgot to take the pill everyday, so now its plural), and your home. Still, you give it some serious thought. In the end you decide against it. You hate your job, but at least youve got stability in your life. You become completely complacent and numb to the world. You also notice youve come to enjoy a good glass of Scotch more than your family.
Youve got your own office, but the walls make you claustrophobic. Oddly enough, you long to be back in the open, shared air of the cubicle floor. As a result, you spend a great deal of time micro-managing the people under you, which causes great resentment among them. The rest of your time is spent monitoring your wife, who you are certain has been cheating on you. Youve settled into a middle-management position with little or no chance of promotion, although at this point you are completely content with that fact. Your cube is so far gone that youd be happy if you could just get one side solved.
Stage 7: 20-life And then you ask yourself, how did I get here?
Youre fucked and you know it. Actually, youve known it for some time now but havent admitted it to yourself. Now you are ready to. You have failed. That young, bright-eyed kid that was going to take on the world has been soundly defeated. You are what is left, and that isnt much. You pass the time with the distant buzz of AM radio in your office as you ponder where it all went wrong. Youre never quite sure.
You count the days until your retirement, not because you think youll enjoy it but because it cant be worse than your current existence. On numerous occasions you have contemplated taking an early exit, maybe idling your car in an enclosed garage with the windows down for a few hours, but you never do. Youre too much of a coward, something your teenage kids remind you of every day when they dare you to discipline them. As for your cube, you dont even dream of solving it anymore. Youre just amazed it could have ever become so mixed up.
Stage 8: Retirement This is the end
Dude, you're so fucked
If nothing else you can be proud that you made it this far. Personal victories have been hard to come by, so you view this as one. Youd love to spend your new found free time playing golf and you would, if it wasnt for the severe arthritis and Carpal Tunnel youve developed over the years. Youd also like to become a heavy drinker but your ulcers wont allow it. So you do the only thing you can do, run errands for your wife and kids and wait to die.
No one is particularly fond of you, including your family. Youve been described by others as a person who can sap the energy from a room. You couldnt agree more. Towards the end, you claim to have found wisdom in your old age. This is the equivalent of peeling off the stickers of your Rubiks Cube and attempting to fool people into believing you figured it out- but they see right through you. Finally, mercifully, it all comes to an end. Unfortunately, it is in the form of a slow, degenerative cancer, and your suffering increases more and more until your final breath. (Hopefully I didn't tarnish the memories of all those brave people who died of cancer.)
And thats it. Thats the way it ends. This is your fate. You may as well embrace it now. Hey, it could be worse- you could have grown up in a country where you were promised nothing but hardship and starvation. If that was the case, youd be thrilled to live the aforementioned life. Wait, I guess that kind of nullifies the point. Huh, well, anyhow, at least now you know youre fucked. Have a nice weekend!
This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. Posted: 8/31/2005by: Paulie Shore Can't speak for anything else, but Stages 1-4 are pretty fucking accurate. Switch engagement/marriage to Stage 3, and add divorce to Stage 4, and you've got a template for my young, pathetic life. I got the rooster, but not the crow. I got the ebb, but not the flow. But, hey, I'm big in Japan. I'm glad only one person said something like "you create your own destiny." Fuck that bullshit. We're all stuck in the same shitty meatgrinder and anyone harboring a sentiment like that is a complete idiot, probably goes to church thrice weekly, and is far more disillusioned than any of these grizzled posters. Similarly, I'm dismayed to see that only one person picked up on (or at least commented on) the musical allusions in the article's heads. Nice work, Scott. The solution is simple; Posted: 8/23/2005by: Mongo Don't get married. Keep doing blow and banging whooorraaas for the rest of your life. You'll probably die younger, but much happier. forgot this part Posted: 8/22/2005by: Captain Dipshit Did I mention that I have a minivan and a Kia Sportage (aborted trail blazer fetus) and they are both silver, how fucking cute. I think I am going to go throw up now. Kill Me Quickly Posted: 8/22/2005by: Still Hopeful Stage I would just like to say that's hilarious and in my Eutopian brain I wish everyone in the world would become an entrepreneur and get the F*** OUT! We weren't meant to spend it this way. American Society has made the American Dream into such a fantasy, I mean come on folks, does the Prozac really make it THAT much better. Ugh, thanks for the article. OFFICE PHONE CONVOS BLOW Posted: 8/22/2005by: DESK JOCKEY's Jockey Does anyone else work in cubical world near a multitude of secretaries ALL DAY who all happen to talk at a decibel level that rivals that of my old Boom Box back in the 80s?! I could haul off and smack any one of these annoying bitches with all their personal calls and gut-spilling redneck bullshit if it weren't for the fact that I have bills to pay. Oh, yeah, I still have my wonderful Corporate America pretend to be more than just the next kiss-ass, dead end (but only resource at this point) job. Where, o' where did I go wrong? My rubix cube looks like, well it doesn't look like a fucking cube anymore at all. It's a shell of a cube at best, and I'm only in Year #6! my friend Posted: 8/22/2005by: captian dipshit back to the part about my friend that I left off into a painting speech, man I am an idiot. the best part about college is that you make your life long good buddies there. the worst part is after graduation the fuckers all move away and the one left with kids ends up moving back to his hometown, aka ME. So to ED, enjoy the east coast bitch . I have never felt more fucked Posted: 8/22/2005by: captian dipshit I have never felt more fucked... I am in stage 5 but lucky me has 4 kids already. I swear man I have only had pussy four times since she stopped sucking my dick.. aka the wedding day. I have a door, actually I have 2 but all that has done for my life is make it so people can see what I am reading on my computer easier than they could before. That really knocks down my fuck off time on TPP. My best friend live 600 miles and 3 states away and today my dickhead boss has decided to spray paint in the office on a rehabed shelving unit. If it was not for the fact that I am getting high off the fumes right now I think I would go outside and look for a sick dog to kick to make my day better. thanks fucker, looking forward to reading more tomorrow. LOL LOL LOL the fucker got to hihg off the fumes and just tripped walking across the office, my day just got better. geez Posted: 8/22/2005by: Googs I'm quitting my job and becoming a teacher.
That just sealed it. JESUS CHRIST Posted: 8/21/2005by: Phil Maybe I just got done smokin a blunt of Strawberry Cough but the post comments on this article are way funnier than the article. I like the bitch who gets pissed off at the article on page 1. That was funny. This proves that this was a good article. Good job Scott. It Dies Not Have To Be This Way! Posted: 8/20/2005by: Brenda Sad piece but well-written.
I am thanking the universe for making me a "Creative Type" --HR Managers in Corporate America wouln't touch us with the hand of their worst enemy.
