Halloween may be on Monday, but the party starts tonight. Many of you out there have planned your year around this. Youve had your costume planned since June and the only accessory you need to add are your drinking shoes. Then there are the rest of you that have waited until the last minute and still have no idea what youre wearing to the party tonight (aside from the aforementioned drinking shoes). Well rest assured, were here to help with The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of Halloween costumes. From the simple to the complex, weve got em all or at least the 15 that we feel like addressing.
THE GOOD
Disabled Vietnam Vet I actually saw this once. This guy had on army digs with peace signs Sharpie'd on, John Lennon glasses and a Jew-Fro. He rolled around the party in a wheel chair with his legs wrapped in the American Flag. The costume was certainly offensive. It became criminally hysterical when every half hour or so when he would intentionally fall out of the chair onto the ground. When people tried to help him up he would yell at them, Dont fucking help me! I don't need your help and I dont need your pity. He got very drunk and equally mean.
For those procrastinators out there, this wont solve your problems for tonight (unless you have access to a wheelchair and live near an Army Navy surplus story), but its worth keeping in mind for next year.
A Mormon If youre still not sure what to dress as for your party this weekend, weve got your solution. Get yourself a bike helmet, white shirt, some slacks and a tie and voila! Bonus points if you have a ten-speed with you and mega-bonus points if you get your hands on some literature about the Church of Latter Day Saints. Its sure to be a hit in 49 out of 50 states.
Sexy _________ Ah, the sexy girls. The Playboy bunny. The fox. The cop. The angel, devil, nurse, flight attendant. Its so easy for girls, and I love it. What are you going to be for Halloween? Im going to be a bumblebee... A sexy bumblebee. Works for me. Just so long as you bear no resemblance whatsoever to the infamous Bee Girl from that Blind Melon video were cool. Otherwise, uh, I gotta go check up on my boys over by the keg.
Walk of Shame Saw this one too. She had her hair messed up, make-up smeared and a big oversized T-shirt hanging past her skirt and down to her stocking-less knees. Nice, and well equipped for the next morning.
Tactical Air Strike What? How could you dress up like a tactical air strike you ask? That is exactly why it rules. Gray sweat suit with targets on it and a helmet with a dozen plastic fighter planes hanging off it from wires. Its a little unwieldy, but I guarantee that you will be hit of the party. I know Larry was.
THE BAD
Couples in Unison: Spare me these, please- The Doctor and the Nurse, the Cowboy and the Indian, the (gulp) Lion and the Lion-Tamer. I know you happy couples like to do everything together, but its sad and its ridiculous and its sad. Plus there are single people out there that dont need to be reminded that they are either going home alone or having drunken sex with a regrettable stranger that may end in a pregnancy, a rash, or even worse; a serious relationship. Also, there is no need for you two to dress up together. We all know you are together. Youre the two stupidest people at the party. Who else would you be with?
Anything Topical: I anticipate droves of Napoleon Dynamite clones surrounding kegs with red Solo cups in-hand regurgitating lines from the film indiscriminately. Guess what dickheads? I will not 'Vote for Pedro.' Two years ago it was a bunch of assholes with a Cubs hat and a Walkman. Let me guess, Steve Bartman? Yeah? Wow, what imagination you put into that! Fuck you.
The Bad: From Left to Right A Jester and Bitch.
A Mask: You know those assholes who buy a rubber mask and thats their costume? Now if you take the time to complement it with the full ensemble, thats fine. Maybe you got that whole Scream thing going with the black cloak and all. Fine. Not the best costume, but whatever. Mask and thats it? Get the fuck out. Why even bother? You might as well toss a sheet over your head and cut a couple eyeholes, at least it could be considered retro. But that fucking retarded too.
Occupational: Cop, Fireman, Army Soldier, Construction Worker, Priest, Ninja yawn. What are you, ten? Grow up and get some imagination. If you just have to be something occupational, throw on some sideburns and a moustache and be a porn star. No wait, even that sucks. This is supposed to be a party anyway, why are you gonna come dressed as someone earning a paycheck?
Political Figures: Bush, Osama (or is it Usama, Im never quite sure), Condoleezza Rice, Nixon, or whatever other political figure youve decided to dress yourself as. Guess what, it sucks! If I want to see politicians, Ill watch the news. I want to see creativity, or as previously stated regarding the female contingent, I want to see ass. I dont want to see asses, but if you come as a political figure thats what you are.
THE UGLY
Men in Sexy Outfits: Dont do this to the party, please. I get it, thats your girlfriends see through dress and its supposed to be funny that youre wearing it. Oh, youre also wearing a thong? Hilarious. But you know what? No one in this party needed that vision burned into their memory. No one. Youre an asshole and you should really get that mole on your ass cheek looked at.
Fat Chicks in Sexy Outfits: Look, no offense, when guys say they want to see a lot skin, we mean a lot of skin, not a lot of skin. You know what I am saying? If your ass looks more like a 50lbs sack of potatos than a 5lbs cooked ham, then cover that shit up. You big ladies can still wear fun costumes- like a ball, or a globe, or that chick from Whats Eating Gilbert Grape.
Pets in Costume: While this could be classified as bad, were going to place it under ugly because seriously, what the fuck? Does your dog or cat really need a fucking costume? Isnt their life humiliating enough? They have to depend on you for sustenance, shelter and affection. Their basic instincts, such as pissing and shitting anywhere they please, have been curbed, and now theyre dressed as a goddamned wizard. Real nice.
Joan Rivers: Need we say more? Pass on this one, please.
The Phat Phree Staff Have you seen what we, the Phat Phree Staff, look like collectively? No? Please, for the sake of all that is good and holy, dont dress up as us for Halloween. Aside from the fact that its logistically impossible (unless you are Starr Jones) no one will appreciate it.
The Ugly: Put some fucking clothes on man.
Just some tips before you head out for a weekend of anonymous partying. And speaking of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, dressing up like Lee Van Cleef might be the fucking coolest thing ever.
A Little Late Posted: 3/27/2006by: Garth I just read this article, but I've gone as a Canadian for the past 10 years. I just wear a hockey jersey and a mullet wig, and say "Eh" a lot. I give myself bonus points for ending the night in a new costume: The Drunk Canadian. My costume last year Posted: 3/10/2006by: J. I put on a black dress shirt and some nice khakis, and put a big ribbon around myself. On top of the ribbon was a tag reading in huge gold lettering "To Women; From God"
Needless to say, it was a hit. Monty Python Posted: 11/9/2005by: Renee The best costume i saw was a guy completly dressed up as a knight from the holy grail. the best part was he had a friend following him around banging coconuts as he "galloped". the friend even had a pack on his back. classic. Payneful Posted: 11/2/2005by: John My buddy was payne stewart one year. Not so funny on the surface but this took place days after the plane crash. I rivaled with Supeman in a wheelchair. (Blank stare and neckbrace were included) Last night there was a... Posted: 10/30/2005by: Matt guy dressed as a dirty tampon.
he had a red balaklava and everything. Shotgun Bachelorette Posted: 10/30/2005by: CrazyVet I had all the bachelorette paraphenalia (tiara + veil, penis straws, condom necklace, fuck me boots, big glass of beer) but I looked about 8 months pregnant. I kept telling people, "I'm marrying my baby daddy next Saturday!" an aborted fetus Posted: 10/29/2005by: zyjelly unwrap a wire coat hanger and then wrap it around your neck.....chicks dig pro choice guys Halloween is the worst holiday but Posted: 10/29/2005by: Eugene I'm going as the striped shirt or the pink shirt with popped collar queer...I'm writing "Look at my striped/pink shirt, fucking look at it" on the back. I'm gonna be at Fells Point Baltimore in case anyone is going to be in that vicinity. Fucking TPP should pay me for advertising their shit. Peace and have a great fucking weekend kids. Another genious Posted: 10/28/2005by: valle I love this so much....Classic article. Just curious, what ARE you going to be this year? Premature Ejaculation Posted: 10/28/2005by: Bumbaclot Just go into the party with no shirt on. When people ask you what you are supposed to be. Tell them "I just came in my pants!"
