You probably have no idea who I am. Only a handful of people have played my games since their debut in the mid-to-late eighties. My name is Alex Kidd. I was Segas early answer to Mario. Thats real fucking fair. First of all, Sega has played the heart-warming role of Nintendos retarded, little brother for years. Sure, Sega had the Genesis system which did very well, but even Buster Douglas was able to drop Mike Tyson in his prime. Freak shit happens. Ironically, Sega hired Buster Douglas to endorse its boxing game against Nintendos Mike Tyson's Punch Out. I hate fucking Nintendo. It was an impossible job to measure up to Mario. The fucking guy wasnt too complicated. He was a mesh of every single Italian stereotype available, excluding organized crime affiliation. Still, everyone loved that greasy, shroom-chewing bastard.
Me? Nobody knows who the hell I am. I am an elf-looking mother-fucker with two big ears and a gigantic fist. I can punch shit hard, but my reach is like two inches. The word limited comes to mind. I hate myself. My games are completely retarded and cause self-mutilation whenever over-exposure occurs. Mario has had smash title after smash title. The spaghetti-slurping-nut-licker has even expanded past his regular adventure game motif. I've seen Mario golf, baseball, and soccer. The prick even has puzzle and racing games. My general titles are embarrassing. Alex Kidd in Miracle World. Alex Kidd: The Lost Stars. Alex Kidd in High Tech and Shinobi World. Alex Kidd in Gay Fucking Video Game World. I made one of them up.
My suckiness doesnt stop at titles. The games were horribly designed as well. Mario had size-altering, life-increasing mushrooms, princesses, and infamous warp zones. Here are a couple of highlights from my steaming shit bombs (These are all real. Get an emulator, play them, and make a Clorox milkshake):
Alex Kidd: The Lost Stars: One of the bad-guy henchmen is a fat, little, naked guy with an orange mohawk. He stands in place and wiggles his bare ass, all the while shooting giant, white blobs at you from his pooper. Oh yeah, he also wears sunglasses. If I tried to make something like that up, it couldnt be crazier and less believable.
Another bad guy that is encoutered early in the game is a dog. It is stationary. It stays in one place and does not chase you. Instead of biting or barking, letters pour out of its mouth and spell out "BOW WOW." The words hop along the ground. Alex must avoid them. Fuck you, Sega. Give every mother-fucking poor soul who bought this game a complete refund. You fuckers.
Alex Kidd in High Tech World: There is a point in the game where you cannot pass through a gate. You try everything forever and cannot find a solution. After hours of frustration, you secretly call the Sega help-line and pray that somehow your parents wont catch it on the phone bill. You make the phone call and await a solution. Oh, yes, it does make sense to move Alex in and out of the village temple and pray 100 times in a row. Literally. 100 times. Then your parents notice the toll call on the phone bill and ground you from your Sega Master System. You are secretly grateful (Sidenote: If I ever meet the inbred, piss puddle-of-a-human-being that thought the 100 prayers at the temple idea up, I will strangle him with a phone cord and punch him in the face 100 times).
Alex Kidd in Miracle World: The early level bosses have giant hands for heads. Instead of fighting them, you play rock-paper-scissors against them in order to advance through the game. Sega must get the best chronic. What else would a character do if they had a giant hand for a head? With the exceptions of jacking-off, sign-language, and the occasional game of rock-paper-scissors, I would think the advantages would be minimal.
I guess its not surprising that I got canned and replaced with a hedgehog. I suck so fucking bad. A programmer/writer could bash his head against a keyboard and come up with a better premise than any of the games I ever had. Sega has bad ideas. They blessed us with jewels like the Master System, Sega CD, and Dreamcast. If you ever had Sega CD wait, every single person who ever owned a Sega CD committed suicide. Never mind. My elf ass couldnt even afford it during the month-and-a-half it was on the market. I really might be one of the worst video game characters ever. I wonder what would have happened if I signed with a different system instead of those gaywads at Sega. Nintendo never even gave me a chance.
I took a shit and this came out.
Alex Kidd? Im sorry, son, thats way too gay for us, replied the Nintendo people.
Marios shadow is heavy and has loomed over me for decades. I still see him from time to time. He usually gives me a wedgie or kicks me in the nuts. I hate that fucker. One time, he offered me the role of a Koopa Troopa in Super Mario 3 in exchange for a blow-job.
I thought, Hey, Im Alex Kidd- what in the fuck am I gonna do, ruin my name and reputation?
Once your public respect level is the equivalent of a cancerous donkey testicle, it really doesnt matter if you lose a few popularity points. Besides, I needed the cash, and Koopa Troopas have their own merchandise. I gave the idea a green-light.
Mario told me that my giant ears were the perfect evolutionary leap, due to my role in the video game character food chain. You grew handles, bitch! he yelled, as any last shred of respect was erased from the Alex Kidd name.
After we finished up, Mario told me that all of the Koopa Troopa positions were full and caught me on fire. Fuck him.
You are way too gay to be a Koopa Troopa, he yelled, as he threw any reachable fire extinguishers off the porch.
That was the point that I realized I was pretty much fucked. My career was over. Career changes are limited for big-fisted, elf types with giant ears. I decided to pick up several hard-core drug addictions so I could go into rehab and have something to do. Sega can kiss my elf nuts.
You're welcome Juan... Posted: 4/27/2006by: Mack I only wish I saw this article sooner...
You must have seen my comment to Napalm a couple of weeks ago. I lambasted him for his hatred of the old (not Genesis) Sega system. It was indeed superior to Nintendo. And Alex Kidd was superior to Mario. The little fairy just never got his due.
A giant hand for a head for an impromptu "rock, paper, scissors" game should be part of every video game. Hell, it should be part of every business transaction.
What's next? Are you going to claim Atari 2600 was better than Intellivision based solely on the fact that it has better "ironic" t-shirts?
(I've only heard of Alex Kidd in Miracle World. The other titles don't count.) Hey Mike! Posted: 4/24/2006by: chief I will also knock turbografx 16. A neighbor of mine had it when I was a kid, and I've got ONE word for the both of you. SUCKER. TurboGrafx Posted: 4/24/2006by: Mike I KNOW you didn't just knock TurboGrafx. One word. Splatterhouse. Eat taint. fantastic Posted: 4/24/2006by: brandon This was a great article. too bad it went up against the very original topic of breast size. And they wonder why New York Times called this site Fratire. Keep em coming. Inspired Posted: 4/24/2006by: Justin I enjoyed your profile on Alex Kidd, but I have a few shitty games and situations in games for you. Most are Nintendo bc that is what I know best from that era. Xenophobe- a space adventure comparable to watching fuzz; they use four different screens the whole game Back to the Future (1-3)- watching the ending is more disappointing than being born without genitalia; can you save Marty's parents in the worst game senario of all time TMNT- the game is fun but the last level at the Technodrome is impossible
The article brought back these bitter memories. Thanks.
SLEEP Posted: 4/24/2006by: Alex Tribek What have the articles today made me want to do? Juan Posted: 4/24/2006by: Christine I am a little upset at your lack of comments today. Don't these people know who you are? click, bang! Posted: 4/24/2006by: napalm I always felt bad for the kids who got stuck with the old Sega Masters system. That system was more obsolete than the 3DO, Neo Geo, and Turbo Graphix 16 combined. Way to find some ultimate shittiness to profile Juan. How are you gonna top that? Maybe those old bubble up coffee percolators or something. Good luck. Bonk Posted: 4/24/2006by: Joe Kickass Oh man, that game was shitty. I forgot all about that. Nothing came close to Nintendo, and I think it's still the best one out there for Super Smash Brothers and Mariocart alone. sega Posted: 4/24/2006by: deuce altered beast was pretty dope.. better arcade though.
