 | Yeah kid, sure can tell what this is... |
1.) They believe in Santa Claus. When I was a kid I went to a school that had some rich kids and some poor ones. When Christmas came around, the rich kids got the cool toys; the poor ones got shitty toys. Hey kid, youre telling me that Santa Claus gives you presents based on your Mommy and Daddys income? Bullshit, dumbass.
2.) They draw pictures. Oh looky, little Bobby drew Uncle Jake a picture ofwhat the fuck is this, a drawing of a pile of purple, red and green shit? Kid, you are no artist! Havent you noticed that Mommy and Daddy put all your pictures up on the refrigerator; while all the real paintings are framed and hung on the walls around the house? Hey stupid- if your pictures were as good as Mommy and Daddy said they were; theyd be in a fucking museum.
3.) They piss their beds. Honestly, I still do this from time to timebut its because I drank myself to retardism and dont have the motor functions to get out of bed, find a bathroom, pull out my dick, and make it into the toilet. Kids are just too damn lazy to get out of the comfortable little bed Mommy and Daddy bought for them and take a piss. Instead, they lay there and figure that Mommy will wash their sheets in the morning. I swear to you, if my kids ever wet their bedtheyre sleeping in their piss for a week before the sheets are washed.
4.) Theyre afraid of the dark. Mommy, dont turn off the lights or the boogey man is going to get me! Bullshit, dumbasscan you see in the dark? No, you cant, and neither can the fucking boogey man. Hey kid, want to know when robberies are at their highest? At night; why? Because its fucking dark and nobody can see shit! Therefore, if youre afraid of something coming to get you, you should be afraid of the light, not the dark.
5.) When theyre scared, they put the sheets over their head to protect them. Good fucking idea, kid! The monster in the closet is coming to get you, why dont you just throw the sheet over your head and become invincible? Fuck, why hasnt the United States Military thought of issuing their troops bed sheets instead of body armor? Mister Al-Queda is going to shoot me, fuck it, Ill just throw this bed sheet over my head and the bullets will bounce right off.
6.) When they get an owie or a booboo, they believe that Mommys kisses will make it all better. Fucking genius, kid! Hey, remember your Grandpa who died of lung cancer last year? Why didnt Gramp-gramp just have Mommy kiss away his lung cancer? Oh, thats right, because your Mommys kisses dont do shit!
7.) When they play sports they call themselves a name of a sports superstar, like Shaq or A-Rod. Yeah kid, go ahead and believe that if you call yourself Michael Jordan, youll actually play like him. I know it works for me, because when Im fucking my girlfriend she calls me Peter North, (Her idea, not mine).
 | Kid, ever notice how all Santa's look different?... |
8.) They believe that their parents love all their children equally. Lets see, youre constantly getting in trouble at school, youre eleven but read at a kindergarten level, by the looks of you, Dads not sure if youre his kid or that guy Sloth from The Goonies. However, your older brother Tommy is a straight A student, class president, and Dads not sure if hes his kid or Brad Pitts. Hate to break it to you kid, but its human nature for people to favor one thing over another, and your parents are no different. The shitty thing for you is that youre just not Tommy.
9.) They believe that when they grow up theyre going to be a doctor or an astronaut or even the President. Fucking hey, kid! Pretty goshdamn sure that ol Lou the Janitor didnt dream about being a janitor when he was a kid; actually Lou dreamt of being a lawyer. However, a little thing called reality set in for Lou. Im going to teach you a very important lesson right now, junior. Start aiming lowtherell be less disappointment in the future for you that way.
10.) They can watch the same fucking Disney movie twenty times in a row. Hey, rainman, put something else on! Mom and Dad didnt spend all that fucking money on all those brand new DVDs and surround sound, so you could watch some mermaid sing to some talking lobster all goshdamn weekend! Wait, I have an idea; how about you run around the block like twenty times in a row, do twenty pushups, and read a fucking book! Hard to fucking believe that you have A.D.D., when you can sit there like a damn zombie watching Bambis mom get shot fifty times in a row.
11.) They think that the opposite sex has cooties. Alright kids, Im going to give you this one, because I was pissing razor blades for a week after a one-night stand with Tammy from the Silver Dollar. That bitch has some major cooties!
12.) They sleep with stuffed animals. Jesus Christ kid, are you part of an ancient civilization that believes that the spirits of your dead ancestors are trapped inside of inanimate objects? Because if youre not, sleeping with a teddy bear is just playing stupid! Is that bundle of fabric and stuffing supposed to protect you from the boogey- man, or is it just something to talk to because nobody else will? Guess what kid, if you were an adult and you still slept with your teddy bear and thought that it was your friend, youd be locked awaycouple more years, kiddo, couple more years.
 | Maybe you should give the Teddy
to mommy, so he can protect
her from a drunk daddy! |
13.) They eat paste. I might understand this one if the paste were at least flavored with something like cherry paste. However, paste aint flavored with shit, kid, because youre not supposed to eat it! If paste were meant to be eaten, then Mommy-dearest would cook you meatloaf and mashed paste for dinner, asshole. Not really sure why Mom got up so goshdamn early to make you that peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch when all she had to do was give you a jar of paste, pat you on the head, and send you on your merry way.
14.) They cant buy alcohol. Look, sometimes when Uncle Jake is babysitting he doesnt feel like running down to the corner store to buy a six-pack to numb the kiddies whining. However, I cant send the kid down there to do it for me, and it looks really bad when you walk into a liquor store with a kidWhats up Habib, I would just like this bottle of Jamisons and this here Snickers bar for the kid.
15.) They dont do their own laundry. Seriously kid, you can learn to separate the coloreds from the whites, throw a little detergent in there and set it to cycle. Cause, junior, Im pretty sure that Mommys idea of a fun Saturday night isnt washing your shit stained Spider-Man underoos. Thats another one, and Im going to combine it with this one, because Im already here: Kid, its not that fucking hard learning how to properly wipe your ass! Take a shit, roll up some toilet paper and wipe your ass until theres no more brown on the paper.
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