Recent archeological digs have turned up what may be the greatest find of all time. In yet another earthen jar on the shore of the Black Sea, archeologists believe they have found the journal of the teenaged Jesus Christ.
The book was found under several pairs of sweat pants and a few old gym socks. While not much of the book survives, its cover is remarkably intact, with giant Aramaic lettering that has been translated as “Keep Out” and “Private”.
Thanks to modern dating techniques, the few pages that have survived the ravages of time seem to fit exactly the time period where we know the least about our Lord and Savior: his teenage years. While Aramaic experts begin to translate this exciting new discovery in its entirety, we have been treated to some excerpts.
Dear Journal, Everybody expects so much from me. Carpentry is fine, but it’s not who I am. I keep telling everyone I want to sing and dance and act, but everyone says it’s unrealistic. Sure, it’s unrealistic if it’s not in your soul, but that’s not the case with me. I was born to be a song and dance man. When I’m up on that stage, I just feel so alive. Nobody understands me.
This is believed to be our Lord and Savior's hacky sack.
Dear Journal, My parents have been fighting a lot lately and I think it’s about me. It all started when I left the stable door open and the mule got loose. Dad got mad and said to mom that she should do something about her son. And she was like, “what’s that supposed to mean Joseph?” And then he goes, “Mary, I didn’t mean it like that.” And she’s all, and this is where it gets weird, “yes you did, you hate it that he’s not your son.” And then he says, “I forgave you a long time ago. I know that Greek sailor meant nothing to you. He’s our son.” And then she’s like, “I was drunk. He said he was a god, damn it!” And then he says, sarcastically, “Well Mary, he was from Greece. They’re all at least half a god over there.” Well I don’t know what they said after that because I was freaking out. I’m so alone.
Dear Journal, My cousin John is so cool, even though my “dad” says he’s just a dirty liberal. But I don’t care what he says. He’s not my real dad. My real dad is gonna show up one day and we’re gonna ride stallions across the Sahara. Just me and him. . . . [Lacuna] . . . John’s turned me on to this cool Indian religion called Buddhism. It’s so awesome. It’s all about loving your neighbors and getting in touch with your soul. I’m telling all my friends about it. Oh, and John gave me some cloves. I’m going to smoke one in the barn after the parenting units go to sleep.
Dear Journal, I’ve got an agent for my show biz career (Seems like there’s a lot of agents here in Jerusalem. That and lawyers and accountants.). Today he tells me, “Look kid, I just can’t see Myron J. Finklestein lighting up the sign at the marquee.” Then he asked me what the J stood for and I told him Jesus. And he’s like, “that’s it. You are now Jesus.” And you know what? I like it.
Dear Journal, Now that I’ve given up carpentry to pursue the stage full time, I thought it might be a good idea to be a street performer to get some extra cash. You know, maybe learn some magic. I met this Magi guy named Sanjay and he said he’d teach me how to make water into wine and saw a lady in half.
Dear Journal, Dude, I saw this guy get crucified today. I do not want to go out like that.
While subsequent sections have not been fully translated yet, there seems to be rumors about Jesus having joined a band, waiting tables for the summer, and trying to sell his paintings.
What would jesus drink Posted: 9/24/2005by: Bop Monroe Cloves? what no myrrh? Where's the frankencense & the burning purse? And yeah, he's kinda hot. I'd nail him. BRO YOU REALLY FUCKING SUCK AT LIFE Posted: 6/29/2005by: iwooda beetchorass YOUR ARTICLES SUCK SO FUCKING MUCH - HAH Posted: 6/15/2005by: A man named . MOISES ALOU isnt doing anything with SF this year.
FUNNY ARTICLE! Humorless Christians Posted: 6/11/2005by: Bob As Stephen has clearly demonstrated with his comments, you don't have to be humorless to be a Christian, but it sure helps. The fourth Alou brother Posted: 6/11/2005by: Bob Terry Puhl's Ghost named three of the Alou brothers, Jesus, Matty, and Felipe, as well as the nephew, Moises, but forgot the fourth brother, and perhaps best known, Boog. Master Bob Posted: 6/10/2005by: mr smith You know what? Jesus actually fixed my roof the other day... he also works at my golf course. Jesus' career Posted: 6/10/2005by: Terry Puhl's Ghost Jesus was alright. Used to play here in Houston for the Astros, but he's been mostly overshadowed by his brother Felipe and his nephew Moises. His other brother Matty wasn't extraordinary either.
Quick, name another family with three players of the same generation playing in the big leagues.
Joe, Vince, and Dom DiMaggio? Anyone? Bueller? WRONG Posted: 6/10/2005by: Beau Dont confuse me with him.....I dont pretend to know what is right. What?? Posted: 6/10/2005by: Matthew I wonder why so many Jeeebus (mispelling intentional) are evn on theis site. it deals with crude humor, decadence, and pretty much nothing but humor for narcissitic wasteoids 9which i why I am here) Whyt don';t you just go to everybodysucksjeseuspenis.com and stop tryin to spreda the"Word" to a bunch of people that don't care. amen um...yeah Posted: 6/10/2005by: Damien I think I'd rather be in hell with Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison and Redd Foxx than in Stephen's heaven with a bunch of linear thinking bore-mongers.
PS Was there anything about L Ron Hubbard in the newly found Journal??
