Ok. You ready? I cant believe Im telling you this but, here it goes. Im Spider-Man.
No, I know. Pretty weird, but doesnt it explain everything?
Take how Im always tired. Im up all night fighting crime, running around, I mean swinging from my webs. Its exhausting. I told you I was at the bar till 4 so you wouldnt suspect anything. I couldnt have you learn my secret. I had to protect you, you know, from my enemies. Yeah, I was kind of drunk when I got home, but come on dude, Im Spider-Man. The S mans gotta take the edge off. You see some sick shit when youre staring at the scum of the earth in the seedy underbelly of this big apple.
Oh, and remember that forty bucks I still owe you? Still dont got it, but how can I work when I gotta be available 24/7 to save lives? So yeah, Im gonna chill on the couch waiting for my Spidey senses to alert me to the dangers of the city. Oh, by the way, I taped the "Small Wonder" marathon if you wanna watch it later.
So yeah, Spider-Man. Pretty cool, huh? And it explains so much. Hey, remember your cousin Donna and how I stood her up? Honestly, she was kind of a pig and Spider-Mans got a rep to protect. It was a blind date but I didnt know I had to be blind. You know what Im saying?
Sure I could have totally helped your brother move cause Im like super strong, but you know, I got shot like a hundred times and fell a thousand feet the night before and my back was killing me that day. So you know, sorry. Oh, and sorry your brothers TV was stolen because you had no one to watch the van. I just didnt think the Green Goblin or Dr Octopus were gonna be like, Yeah Spider-Man, thats cool, well poison the water supply next week. We were talking about seeing "Mama Mia" anyway. ABBA rules!
So why am I telling you this now? Why am I risking your life by giving you this information? Ill tell you why. Youve been a real dick. Bugging me for the rent, bitching at me cause I drank your beer, whining about how dirty the place is. I hope the Scorpion bashes your skull into a brick wall so you can get a feel for the shit I go through all the time.
Yeah, I really hope youre feeling shitty right now. Youve been busting Spider-Mans balls for months. Im one of the good guys pal, a hero.
What? Where was I on 9/11? Fuck you, thats where I was. I dont have to take this shit. Im fucking Spider-Man!
please stop Posted: 6/29/2005by: iwooda beetchorass the 10,000 dicks thing for me, was really teetering on the line between gay and corny, but this is just plain sad - this isnt for you boy - give it up WOW! Posted: 6/23/2005by: Weezl I can't believe the Phat Phree actually published this.... maybe you should spend less time spinnin webs and more time reading up on what people find amusing and entertaining... when the comments provide more entertainment than the story, it might be time to give up writing. I'm just sayin'. MATT, YOUR GAY DUDE Posted: 6/21/2005by: Steve Matt, I'm sorry to say that you are not funny. That's it. Keep that day job cuz your comedy if fucking pathetic. Go read some more comic books you no-pussy-getting motherfucker. wow that went over a lot of heads... Posted: 6/17/2005by: eric michael smith everyone makes excuses for their rotten behavior, some more than others. this is just a blown out farce based on that idea. don't worry he was not in any way making FUN of the REAL Spiderman. we all love Spiderman so don't be angry..anyway Spderman has thick skin, he can take it.
A picture is worth. . . Posted: 6/17/2005by: matt a few words. Really the pic is the unniest thing about this lame ass article, nice job cockmouth. Dicks and farts Posted: 6/16/2005by: Beavis He said, "dicks and farts He, he, he." The Point Posted: 6/16/2005by: Nick Calvino The point of the article is that a lazy, slacker is making a ridiculous excuse for his behavior. Maybe he'll put in more dick and fart jokes for you next time. What? Posted: 6/16/2005by: Neil S i am utterly confused. what was the point of this article? stupid, meaningless, and not funny. Smells like fish Posted: 6/16/2005by: Splinter Is that a tuna can in Spiderman's pants? Huh? Posted: 6/16/2005by: Peter Parker I think an explanation is in order.
