Movie, music & TV reviews are a tough business. It’s hard to imbibe Hollywood crap weekly for living and not be more bitter than Ron Perlman’s publicist. But honestly, I’ve been bitter ever since that round got logged in my taint during the battle Trung Hoi in ’68, so I think I should get a pass. Regardless, there have been some good things this summer that deserve a second mention. Tucker Carlson tops the list. It seems like he has a renewed spirit after the verbal beatdown that was handed to him by Jon Stewart earlier this year. He said, "fuck 'Crossfire'" and jumped from CNN to MSNBC to have his own pointless and irrelevant hour of talking head chatter. These kind of shows will always suck the shooters from my stroke pump, but Tucker has certainly done a better job with his show, than say, Dennis Miller. Not to mention that his penis is slightly larger than Ann Coulter's. I also have to give big props to cable television for providing some quality programming this summer when traditionally TV just dies. Rescue Me, Entourage, 4400, and Iron Chef America have given me a reason to keep updating the de-scrambling codes for my Direct TV box (also see Over There review below). Hollywood even managed to churn out a few decent movies that didn’t make me want to shatter the femurs of the local movie theater managers like last year (I was cleared of all charges resulting from that incident at the Downtown 6 Loews Cineplex). Batman Begins, Wedding Crashers and Sin City were all well worth paying money to see. That may be all we get this year, but it was just enough to keep me from going on a homicidal rampage through the “World’s Largest Chocolate Store” in Sharon, PA last week, so I’ll take what I can get. Speaking of Loews Theaters, they were just bought by AMC, so I wouldn’t count on the price of tickets or popcorn going down anytime soon. Now let’s see if we can’t overload that new Swear Tracker 3000 thing on the homepage with another batch of my pussy lickin' good reviews.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Say it with me. “one severed ear and a dislocated testicle”. That’s what my new rating scale says about this Friday night turd burglar. There are no two people in Hollywood that are more hated and loved than Michael Bay or Roland Emmerich. Mostly because of the fact that they are separately responsible for some of Hollywood’s worst big screen adventures, but at the same time some of Tinsletown’s biggest paychecks. While Roland is taking the summer off to recuperate from the ass beating I gave him after seeing his homage to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Day After Tomorrow, this week unfortunately still sees the release of Michael Bay’s newest foray into our wallets with The Island. I’d love to tell you how this movie ends, but the test screening I snuck into, a mere three weeks before the film's opening, was not even the final version. It’s usually not a good sign for a film when reviewers and media don’t openly get a chance to see a movie well in advance of it’s premiere. Wedding Crashers, for instance, was screened in December to rave reviews because the studio thought it was good. Jiminy Glick, however, still hasn’t been seen by reviewers, and it’s been in theaters for months, because it sucked like a Ronco pressure sealer. Even Bay himself may have to wait until opening day to see the final cut of this film due to last-minute dialogue replacement and re-editing of the final scene, but I gather the reason is money more than anything else. That’s what happens when DreamWorks, Warner Brother, Satan, oops I mean, Microsoft and Stephen Spielberg all have 124 million dollars pumped into your movie. Everything has to be exactly the way “they”, including the temperamental Bay, want it down to the last frame.
The one surprising name that is absent from that list of contributors is the man who has produced all of Bay’s previous successful flicks, Jerry “Where’s Don Simpson when I need Him” Bruckheimer. Somehow Spielberg back-doored Bruckheimer as the big name producer on this one. And maybe that’s why it sucks. Or maybe it sucks because the guy who wrote the original script that got everyone, interested including, Bay, Spielberg and the hottest thick-bodied starlet to hit the screen since Thora Birch in American Beauty, Scarlett “Boing” Johansson, was fired shortly after his script was purchased. Maybe the movie sucks because it can’t live up to its predecessors like the sexually charged, clothing optional Logan’s Run, or the dry excitement of Harrison Ford in Blade Runner. Maybe it sucks because regardless of the fact that we all like big explosions and crazy car chases (see Bay’s film Bad Boys II for one of the better freeway scenes and worst scripts from 2003), that Michael Bay is a really egotistical and shitty director. Nope. It sucks because it’s just a bad idea. The original writer was the guy who wrote Beyond Borders, for Christ’s sakes. A research facility full of clones that are being harvested for body parts trying to escape to live life like normal humans instead of being sent to “the island” is just asinine. It’s certainly no better than AI or I Robot which also made my crotch itch more than accidentally wiping your ass with poison ivy (I mean leafs, not the movies where Drew and Allyssa get naked). And Johanson and Obi Wan hanging from a building or flying a jet cycle feels like any James Bond or recent Sci-Fi movie you can name. It’s been done. I’m a huge fan of hot starlets, big explosions and complex Sci-Fi plots, but this is 124 millions dollars and 127 minutes worth of wasted time and money. We don’t even get any good scenes of Scarlett pinging through her shirt. I could’ve stayed at home, cracked a case of Pabst and watched Eight Legged Freaks while blasting the Babylon 5 soundtrack if I wanted a good Scarlet / Sci-Fi experience.
Director Richard Linklater has tried and tried to live on the outskirts of Hollywood and yet be involved for years now. His indie cred and mild successes, like Slacker, Dazed and Confused, Tape and School Of Rock, make him the perfect guy to bring a tale of foul-mouthed kids and their drunken coach back to the big screen. But do they need to be brought back? Did Walter Matthau, Tatum O’Neil and that awesome kid who played Tanner ever leave us to begin with? Nowadays you can’t even get away with some of Tanner's best lines like “Jews, spics, niggers, and now a girl?”, which are not included in this version and replaced with a kid in a wheelchair, a chick who can actually pitch, and Greg Kinnear. But if it had to be done, Linklater with his non-linear style was a good choice to helm it, and Billy Bob Thorton was a good choice to replace, or should I say to honor the king curmudgeon, Matthau, as the saucy, or should I say sauced, little league coach and pool cleaner, Morris Buttermaker. For those of us who have seen the original, there isn’t much to say except that this version stays extremely faithful in tone and plot, and Billy Bob is great pulling out his now tried and true Bad Santa act, but the new batch of kids just can’t cut it in my mind. I never gave a four-fingered flying fuck that the actors who played those kids never amounted to shit in life; they have always been a part of what made the Seventies good. What kid didn’t want a motorcycle after Kelly tore up the field? Who didn’t know the benefit of wiping and blowing your nose after seeing booger eater Timmy Lupus get the snot beat out him? Shit, I even had my own half-sleeve softball shirts made that were sponsored by Chico’s Bail Bonds. I guess for the generations that haven’t seen the original, I am happy that they have a new movie that involves, baseball, drinking, swearing and best of all, little kids, that is as well done as could ever be expected for film remake number 11,346. But as good a job as they did, it’ll be hard for any remake that doesn’t need updating to ever score more than 3 Severed Ears from me. I’ll just watch my old VHS of the racial epithet-filled version just like I watch my VHS of Return of the Jedi so I can still sing along with the Jub Jub song at the end.
Well shit on a stick! I was seriously convinced. This motherfucker, Terrence Howard, who plays the films main character DJay, actually had me thinking he was a bonafide player. Come to find out, in real life this fool is about as down for the streets and as much of a “brotha” as um, I don’t know… Karl Malone. Howard is basically a pick up truck-driving, country music-listening, Waffle House-eating redneck in his real life (though I’ll admit I love to have ‘em scattered, smothered and covered from time to time myself). But somehow, not only does he pull off this street pimp hustler with a heart of gold character with a magnetizing style and southern fried, front porch, street wisdom, but he also learned how to spit enough lyrics krunk style to make the characters dreams of becoming a rapper seem tangible. Now, this is how you remake a movie. You take the idea of Saturday Night Fever and infuse it with a more modern premise, and create a new story line with exciting characters and most importantly, actors. I will always be a fan of Anthony Anderson, who plays the local studio guru in Hustle, after his turn as the bad guy on "The Shield" this season. Shit, I even liked the grizzle-troll looking Taryn Manning’s performance in this flick as one of DJay’s fur box huts for sale. I do, however, have trouble looking at actor DJ Qualls, who first gained fame in Road Trip, but I believe also played a skeletal corpse in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I’m pretty sure Christian Bale got some notes from him for The Machinist. Though upon further consideration Qualls looks exactly like the kind of guys who really do make all of the studio magic for the thug faces that eventually get put in front of the music later. In fact what keeps this movie from being another 8 Mile or Flashdance, is the fact that not only do you feel the pull of the humid Memphis streets, but the studio recording sequences are painfully realistic. Making a studio record is like making sausage. Nobody wants to know what goes into it, they just want to consume and enjoy the finished product. But this movie’s studio sequences actually lay out how a song gets built beat by beat and take after take. And though that doesn’t sound like the kind of excitement you might want out of your “bitches and hoes” kind of movie, it is an accurate representation of the slow build it takes a pimp to really get his hustle on whether it be in music or on the streets. I won’t say this flick is high art. It lacks the excitement of Pimps Up Hoes Down’s, Players Ball, or the camp of blaxploitation classics like Superfly and The Mack, or even the cinematic gravitas of a King Of New York, and maybe you should even wait to see this rather slow-paced pimp trying to make good story on video, but don’t be surprised to see a possible academy nod for Terrance Howard in this well-stylized flick.
Ten Hut! Finally, a TV program that brings you our boys and girls stories set in modern warfare instead of ancient times. Though I’d love to see a great program about the real Vietnam, no one has offered enough money for my memoirs. Band Of Brothers has pretty much set the record straight as far a TV goes for WWII, so that really only left the Gulf War and the Iraq War for producer Steven Bochco to tackle unless he was willing to document Grenada. He wisely picked the War in Iraq as the backdrop for this gritty war drama. Just like all your favorite war movies, you’re immediately introduced to a politically correct and diverse cast of characters with great combat hardened nicknames like Napalm and Shrapnel. Oh, wait these guys actually have pussy names like Smoke, Mrs. B, Doublewide, Dim, Angel and Sgt. Scream. Hold up just a goddamn minute! The leader of this squad is Sgt. Scream? As in, “like a little girl”? What in the Sam Hill fuck kind of outfit is this? He’s supposed to be the war-hardened veteran with sack leading these virgins into the shit for their first taste of poontang! But like many of our boys, he was promised he was getting pulled out and had to stay in the shit with a new batch of unbroken cherries and try to keep them alive for three more months before he can get back home. As much as I hate hearing soldiers whine about having to stay in a hot zone longer than expected, I also don’t like seeing our boys lied to. If we say they’re getting pulled out at a certain time, lets pull ‘em out. Or better yet, let’s reinstate the draft so we have enough 'Ground Chuck' to send in replacements for our brave volunteer Army. Those kinds of topics and sentiments are what this show is all about. It’s a show designed to resonate the feelings and realities of what soldiers are going through “Over There”. The first episode deals with these newbies falling under hostile fire from a mosque and being helpless to return fire until some general can decide whether or not returning fire will look bad for our side on TV. Sadly, this is the real state of modern warfare. CNN plays as much a part in the day-to-day battles as do guts, glory, and gumption. Back in my day, there wasn’t one officer or Washington bureaucrat who didn’t firmly believe in the shoot first ask questions later mentality, but Walter Cronkite airing that footage of my little slip up in that village changed all of that for ever.
Bochco is no Stephen Spielberg by any stretch of the imagination. Don’t forget, he is the guy who brought us "Cop Rock". So this show definitely has its flaws. Many of the show's moments are surprisingly clichd and stereotypical. Like the late team addition of Nassiri, who is an Arab-American that was inspired to join up by 9/11 and found resentment from his fellow soldiers until they realized he was their most valuable asset as a translator. And I mean, come on, the black guy is named Smoke and he’s a weed-smoking thug from the hood? Are you fucking serious? And those are the reasons why this very realistic show doesn’t get a full 5 Severed Ear rating. Thank god Bochco fixed that awful swoop-in title card from the early spring trailer for this show. Now if he can just level out some of the overdone moments and keep to the realistic grit of day-to-day life in the shit, this show may become one of the all time classic gritty TV dramas, like "The Sopranos", "The Shield", "Band of Brothers", "The Wire" and even his own "NYPD Blue".
When I saw the description of this one on my Time Warner program guide, I realized all at once this was the moment I had gotten Cinemax for in the first place. The description read, “Three Young Throbbits race through the forest in hopes of returning the magical G-String and pleasuring each other. Rated TV-MA for Strong Sexual Content.” I thought it had to be a joke, but two clicks later I saw it with my very own eyes, hot chicks acting like they are in the Lord Of The Rings getting naked at every turn. It wasn’t porn, either. This wasn’t Driving Miss Daisy’s Hole, PeeWee’s Big Cock Adventure, or Samurai Dick of Death (not really a porn spoof of a real movie, just one of my favorite real porn movies); they actually tried to make some kind of parody of LOTR. The best part is that as soon as I started watching I’m thinking to myself that I’ve seen the main actress in something before. Didn't she have a cameo in Law and Order once? Maybe she used to work for Heidi Fleiss back in the days when Napalm had some money to spend. Nope, she was way too young, and then it hit me. Not only was she starring in this movie as Dildo Saggins she was also Commander Gaylor in Play-Mate of the Apes! Further research also reveals that not only has Misty Mundae done several other spoof tittie movies like Dead Students Society, That 70’s Girl, Dr. Jeckyll and Mistress Hyde, and my favorite, Spiderbabe in which she played Patricia Porker, but somehow she managed to do like 45 movies in a three-year span. These movies certainly don’t take that much time to make, but who knew they made this many of them. Skin-A-Max doesn’t even show a third of these screen gems! Misty is one of the best though. Her boobs are real! She actually does seem like a girl you might know from down the street, other than the fact that she delivers her lines with a dirty potty-mouthed zeal worthy of Jenna Haze. And this movie doesn’t take itself seriously, ever. It knows its place in the cinematic world. Every non-sex scene knows it only purpose is to fill time with silly one-liners and half-assed attempts at a plot just long enough so there is something to fast forward for those watching on DVD or VHS, and just long enough for those watching on cable to go retrieve their favorite spunk sock from the hamper. So, here begins my Misty Mundae collection. Soon I will have all 62 of her fine cinematic contributions and I will be able to start collecting the wonderful works of her various co-stars.
Everyone knows Ole' Nape loves to curse, so just imagine you are forced at gunpoint to watch an all day marathon of Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich films, and then tell me what your favorite curse words are that we should have the Phat Phree count with the Swear Tracker 3000.
Good Reviews Posted: 7/26/2005by: Jackie I think the Island deserved an even lower rating than you gave it. As hot as Scarlett may be to all you guys, she is a really bad actress in this movie. So is Ewan. It's probably the directors fault though because this movie is just all around bad.
Hustle and Flow is awesome. You should have given that movie a way higher rating! The main character DJ is one of the best performances I've seen in a long time. This guy should be doing movies with Bobby D. and Al Pacino!
I too have seen part of Lord of The G-Strings and it was hilarious! I can't believe they make movies like that just to show naked girls. Half of those hags have fake boobs that look disgusting though. Is that really what guys want to see on late night television? The Island Posted: 7/23/2005by: jk The Island sucked! But Scarlett was really hot. Might be worth seeing for her alone. What happened to Ewan? He used to be awesome now he is boring as an actor. I think Star Wars ruined him. Ahhh. . . Posted: 7/22/2005by: matt Napalm,
Thanks. I like to believe he stuck in her dumper as well. What is with these hot younger stars banging these wrinkled old men? I like to think b/c money and fame, but they (women) already have that. Said I'll flip you for real! Posted: 7/22/2005by: Napalm Jones Yeah, I believe Benicio took her down a road she hadn't been down before, if you know what I'm saying. I don't know how far it went, but from what I understand Scarlett is very, um, comfortable with herself. No one I have talked to has given me any reason to believe she didn't give him some kind of action. So I choose to believe Benicio drove her to Hershey, Pennsylvania on that elevator unless I am told otherwise. And Posted: 7/22/2005by: Pablo Sgt. Scream? What the fuck? That sounds like a character from Twisted Metal. Excellent Posted: 7/22/2005by: matt Napalm, Another geat review. Informative and entertaining. I like Scarlett Blowhansen pics as well, thanks for the extra visuals. You think she fucked Benicio Del Toro in the elevator? Brattatat! Posted: 7/22/2005by: Napalm Jones Napalm's heart is warmed right down to the grenade pins so here's another little treat for guys since you asked so very nicely. Maybe I just feel giving today because I beer bonged 17 Pabst this morning with Shrapnel in the back of his Watts surplus store. We're putting together a little surpirse party for Michael Bay up at his Malibu home tonight, if you know what I'm saying. I'm sure you'll read all about it in the papers tomorrow. Bay's house might look a little like this scene where Misty kills all the zombies in Mummy Raider: The Secret of Laura Soft. Random notes... Posted: 7/22/2005by: Martin Speaking of Lord of the G-Strings (which I have actually seen parts of), how about other great porn spin-off names? Personal favorites include:
1. Shaving Ryans Privates 2. Emission Probable 3. Schindlers Fist 4. In Diana Jones & the Temple of Poon 5. Sperms of Endearment 6. Good While Humping 7. Wet Dreams Make Cum 8. Romancing the Bone 9. Big Trouble in Little Gina 10. The Legend of Tea-Bagger Vance
...and cunt is so much worse than twat. I keep the word cunt in my back pocket at all times but have probably only used it 3, maybe 4 times, because I reserve it for only the vilest, most despicable, flea-ridden bitches. Basically, if you are a girl, and I call you a cunt, then you've just done something unimaginably bad and totally unforgivable.
Curse Words For Swear Tracker 3000 Posted: 7/22/2005by: johnny Jenkies, zoinks and fart knocker are my favorites. Thanks Posted: 7/22/2005by: Happy You are making it really HARD to get through my day at work with all the pictures of Scarlett Johannsan. Thank god I don't have Charlie's problem, then everyone at work would know I was reading your article today. Great reviews! I lost it when you said that girl was a grizzle-troll. I don't know what that is, but it made me laugh hard.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Say it with me. “one severed ear and a dislocated testicle”. That’s what my new rating scale says about this Friday night turd burglar. There are no two people in Hollywood that are more hated and loved than Michael Bay or Roland Emmerich. Mostly because of the fact that they are separately responsible for some of Hollywood’s worst big screen adventures, but at the same time some of Tinsletown’s biggest paychecks. While Roland is taking the summer off to recuperate from the ass beating I gave him after seeing his homage to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Day After Tomorrow, this week unfortunately still sees the release of Michael Bay’s newest foray into our wallets with The Island. I’d love to tell you how this movie ends, but the test screening I snuck into, a mere three weeks before the film's opening, was not even the final version. It’s usually not a good sign for a film when reviewers and media don’t openly get a chance to see a movie well in advance of it’s premiere. Wedding Crashers, for instance, was screened in December to rave reviews because the studio thought it was good. Jiminy Glick, however, still hasn’t been seen by reviewers, and it’s been in theaters for months, because it sucked like a Ronco pressure sealer. Even Bay himself may have to wait until opening day to see the final cut of this film due to last-minute dialogue replacement and re-editing of the final scene, but I gather the reason is money more than anything else. That’s what happens when DreamWorks, Warner Brother, Satan, oops I mean, Microsoft and Stephen Spielberg all have 124 million dollars pumped into your movie. Everything has to be exactly the way “they”, including the temperamental Bay, want it down to the last frame. 
The one surprising name that is absent from that list of contributors is the man who has produced all of Bay’s previous successful flicks, Jerry “Where’s Don Simpson when I need Him” Bruckheimer. Somehow Spielberg back-doored Bruckheimer as the big name producer on this one. And maybe that’s why it sucks. Or maybe it sucks because the guy who wrote the original script that got everyone, interested including, Bay, Spielberg and the hottest thick-bodied starlet to hit the screen since Thora Birch in American Beauty, Scarlett “Boing” Johansson, was fired shortly after his script was purchased. Maybe the movie sucks because it can’t live up to its predecessors like the sexually charged, clothing optional Logan’s Run, or the dry excitement of Harrison Ford in Blade Runner. Maybe it sucks because regardless of the fact that we all like big explosions and crazy car chases (see Bay’s film Bad Boys II for one of the better freeway scenes and worst scripts from 2003), that Michael Bay is a really egotistical and shitty director. Nope. It sucks because it’s just a bad idea. The original writer was the guy who wrote Beyond Borders, for Christ’s sakes. A research facility full of clones that are being harvested for body parts trying to escape to live life like normal humans instead of being sent to “the island” is just asinine. It’s certainly no better than AI or I Robot which also made my crotch itch more than accidentally wiping your ass with poison ivy (I mean leafs, not the movies where Drew and Allyssa get naked). And Johanson and Obi Wan hanging from a building or flying a jet cycle feels like any James Bond or recent Sci-Fi movie you can name. It’s been done. I’m a huge fan of hot starlets, big explosions and complex Sci-Fi plots, but this is 124 millions dollars and 127 minutes worth of wasted time and money. We don’t even get any good scenes of Scarlett pinging through her shirt. I could’ve stayed at home, cracked a case of Pabst and watched Eight Legged Freaks while blasting the Babylon 5 soundtrack if I wanted a good Scarlet / Sci-Fi experience.
Director Richard Linklater has tried and tried to live on the outskirts of Hollywood and yet be involved for years now. His indie cred and mild successes, like Slacker, Dazed and Confused, Tape and School Of Rock, make him the perfect guy to bring a tale of foul-mouthed kids and their drunken coach back to the big screen. But do they need to be brought back? Did Walter Matthau, Tatum O’Neil and that awesome kid who played Tanner ever leave us to begin with? Nowadays you can’t even get away with some of Tanner's best lines like “Jews, spics, niggers, and now a girl?”, which are not included in this version and replaced with a kid in a wheelchair, a chick who can actually pitch, and Greg Kinnear. But if it had to be done, Linklater with his non-linear style was a good choice to helm it, and Billy Bob Thorton was a good choice to replace, or should I say to honor the king curmudgeon, Matthau, as the saucy, or should I say sauced, little league coach and pool cleaner, Morris Buttermaker. For those of us who have seen the original, there isn’t much to say except that this version stays extremely faithful in tone and plot, and Billy Bob is great pulling out his now tried and true Bad Santa act, but the new batch of kids just can’t cut it in my mind. I never gave a four-fingered flying fuck that the actors who played those kids never amounted to shit in life; they have always been a part of what made the Seventies good. What kid didn’t want a motorcycle after Kelly tore up the field? Who didn’t know the benefit of wiping and blowing your nose after seeing booger eater Timmy Lupus get the snot beat out him? Shit, I even had my own half-sleeve softball shirts made that were sponsored by Chico’s Bail Bonds. I guess for the generations that haven’t seen the original, I am happy that they have a new movie that involves, baseball, drinking, swearing and best of all, little kids, that is as well done as could ever be expected for film remake number 11,346. But as good a job as they did, it’ll be hard for any remake that doesn’t need updating to ever score more than 3 Severed Ears from me. I’ll just watch my old VHS of the racial epithet-filled version just like I watch my VHS of Return of the Jedi so I can still sing along with the Jub Jub song at the end.
Well shit on a stick! I was seriously convinced. This motherfucker, Terrence Howard, who plays the films main character DJay, actually had me thinking he was a bonafide player. Come to find out, in real life this fool is about as down for the streets and as much of a “brotha” as um, I don’t know… Karl Malone. Howard is basically a pick up truck-driving, country music-listening, Waffle House-eating redneck in his real life (though I’ll admit I love to have ‘em scattered, smothered and covered from time to time myself). But somehow, not only does he pull off this street pimp hustler with a heart of gold character with a magnetizing style and southern fried, front porch, street wisdom, but he also learned how to spit enough lyrics krunk style to make the characters dreams of becoming a rapper seem tangible. Now, this is how you remake a movie. You take the idea of Saturday Night Fever and infuse it with a more modern premise, and create a new story line with exciting characters and most importantly, actors. I will always be a fan of Anthony Anderson, who plays the local studio guru in Hustle, after his turn as the bad guy on "The Shield" this season. Shit, I even liked the grizzle-troll looking Taryn Manning’s performance in this flick as one of DJay’s fur box huts for sale. I do, however, have trouble looking at actor DJ Qualls, who first gained fame in Road Trip, but I believe also played a skeletal corpse in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I’m pretty sure Christian Bale got some notes from him for The Machinist. Though upon further consideration Qualls looks exactly like the kind of guys who really do make all of the studio magic for the thug faces that eventually get put in front of the music later. In fact what keeps this movie from being another 8 Mile or Flashdance, is the fact that not only do you feel the pull of the humid Memphis streets, but the studio recording sequences are painfully realistic. Making a studio record is like making sausage. Nobody wants to know what goes into it, they just want to consume and enjoy the finished product. But this movie’s studio sequences actually lay out how a song gets built beat by beat and take after take. And though that doesn’t sound like the kind of excitement you might want out of your “bitches and hoes” kind of movie, it is an accurate representation of the slow build it takes a pimp to really get his hustle on whether it be in music or on the streets. I won’t say this flick is high art. It lacks the excitement of Pimps Up Hoes Down’s, Players Ball, or the camp of blaxploitation classics like Superfly and The Mack, or even the cinematic gravitas of a King Of New York, and maybe you should even wait to see this rather slow-paced pimp trying to make good story on video, but don’t be surprised to see a possible academy nod for Terrance Howard in this well-stylized flick.
Ten Hut! Finally, a TV program that brings you our boys and girls stories set in modern warfare instead of ancient times. Though I’d love to see a great program about the real Vietnam, no one has offered enough money for my memoirs. Band Of Brothers has pretty much set the record straight as far a TV goes for WWII, so that really only left the Gulf War and the Iraq War for producer Steven Bochco to tackle unless he was willing to document Grenada. He wisely picked the War in Iraq as the backdrop for this gritty war drama. Just like all your favorite war movies, you’re immediately introduced to a politically correct and diverse cast of characters with great combat hardened nicknames like Napalm and Shrapnel. Oh, wait these guys actually have pussy names like Smoke, Mrs. B, Doublewide, Dim, Angel and Sgt. Scream. Hold up just a goddamn minute! The leader of this squad is Sgt. Scream? As in, “like a little girl”? What in the Sam Hill fuck kind of outfit is this? He’s supposed to be the war-hardened veteran with sack leading these virgins into the shit for their first taste of poontang! But like many of our boys, he was promised he was getting pulled out and had to stay in the shit with a new batch of unbroken cherries and try to keep them alive for three more months before he can get back home. As much as I hate hearing soldiers whine about having to stay in a hot zone longer than expected, I also don’t like seeing our boys lied to. If we say they’re getting pulled out at a certain time, lets pull ‘em out. Or better yet, let’s reinstate the draft so we have enough 'Ground Chuck' to send in replacements for our brave volunteer Army. Those kinds of topics and sentiments are what this show is all about. It’s a show designed to resonate the feelings and realities of what soldiers are going through “Over There”. The first episode deals with these newbies falling under hostile fire from a mosque and being helpless to return fire until some general can decide whether or not returning fire will look bad for our side on TV. Sadly, this is the real state of modern warfare. CNN plays as much a part in the day-to-day battles as do guts, glory, and gumption. Back in my day, there wasn’t one officer or Washington bureaucrat who didn’t firmly believe in the shoot first ask questions later mentality, but Walter Cronkite airing that footage of my little slip up in that village changed all of that for ever. 
When I saw the description of this one on my Time Warner program guide, I realized all at once this was the moment I had gotten Cinemax for in the first place. The description read, “Three Young Throbbits race through the forest in hopes of returning the magical G-String and pleasuring each other. Rated TV-MA for Strong Sexual Content.” I thought it had to be a joke, but two clicks later I saw it with my very own eyes, hot chicks acting like they are in the Lord Of The Rings getting naked at every turn. It wasn’t porn, either. This wasn’t Driving Miss Daisy’s Hole, PeeWee’s Big Cock Adventure, or Samurai Dick of Death (not really a porn spoof of a real movie, just one of my favorite real porn movies); they actually tried to make some kind of parody of LOTR. The best part is that as soon as I started watching I’m thinking to myself that I’ve seen the main actress in something before. Didn't she have a cameo in Law and Order once? Maybe she used to work for Heidi Fleiss back in the days when Napalm had some money to spend. Nope, she was way too young, and then it hit me. Not only was she starring in this movie as Dildo Saggins she was also Commander Gaylor in Play-Mate of the Apes! Further research also reveals that not only has Misty Mundae done several other spoof tittie movies like Dead Students Society, That 70’s Girl, Dr. Jeckyll and Mistress Hyde, and my favorite, Spiderbabe in which she played Patricia Porker, but somehow she managed to do like 45 movies in a three-year span. These movies certainly don’t take that much time to make, but who knew they made this many of them. Skin-A-Max doesn’t even show a third of these screen gems! Misty is one of the best though. Her boobs are real! She actually does seem like a girl you might know from down the street, other than the fact that she delivers her lines with a dirty potty-mouthed zeal worthy of Jenna Haze. And this movie doesn’t take itself seriously, ever. It knows its place in the cinematic world. Every non-sex scene knows it only purpose is to fill time with silly one-liners and half-assed attempts at a plot just long enough so there is something to fast forward for those watching on DVD or VHS, and just long enough for those watching on cable to go retrieve their favorite spunk sock from the hamper. So, here begins my Misty Mundae collection. Soon I will have all 62 of her fine cinematic contributions and I will be able to start collecting the wonderful works of her various co-stars.
Napalm's heart is warmed right down to the grenade pins so here's another little treat for guys since you asked so very nicely. Maybe I just feel giving today because I beer bonged 17 Pabst this morning with Shrapnel in the back of his Watts surplus store. We're putting together a little surpirse party for Michael Bay up at his Malibu home tonight, if you know what I'm saying. I'm sure you'll read all about it in the papers tomorrow. Bay's house might look a little like this scene where Misty kills all the zombies in Mummy Raider: The Secret of Laura Soft.