Have I ever mentioned that I hate the desert more than I hate politicians who go to church on Sunday and then have sex with their secretarys son later that night? There is nothing worse than getting sand lodged in between your teeth and your gums, or in that little mucus well in the corner of your eye, or in your taint for that matter, unless of course you count sitting through The Island again. That flick by the way comes in just behind The Day After Tomorrow, and Cutthroat Island on my all-time top ten list of shitty movies that cost big dollars.
Im talking about this goddamn sand in my teeth because this week I am teaching a little training camp out in Id Have To Disembowel You If I Told You", Arizona. It used to be all the camps were in Florida or Montana, but ever since 9/11 everyone wants to train out in the godforsaken desert! I am personally a jungle rat. I could eat squirrels and hide in a tree for a week, but the money is good out here in saguaro and sagebrush land, so Ill stick it out in the sand just long enough to pop some merc cherries. I know her movie blew more than a NASA wind tunnel, but I just cant let Scarlett Boing Johannson go down in flames because of that baby batter-drinking Michael Bay. So this weeks rating scale is dedicated to her.
Her almost nude scene in A Love Song For Bobby Long Her see through panties in Lost in Translation Her pingy nipples in Eight Legged Freaks and Ghost World Hearing that Benecio DelToro spilt her crack in an elevator Her performance in the Island. :( A little something extra for that doe-eyed look in Girl With Pearl Earring.
So my editor sends me a screener DVD of this movie last Thursday. I had long flight that day from Buenos Aires to Fort Myers in the back of a cargo plane, so I popped it in. At first I thought he had sent me the wrong tape. I was honestly expecting to see a movie about Method Man and Redman smoking some kind of magical weed that made everyone think they were high school students again so they could go mack on the underage set. Instead I got a former mousketeer running around in tights. And it wasnt Britney I Always Knew You Were Trash Spears. It was Kurt Russell in those tights, in yet another obvious attempt to capitalize on the success of the Incredibles. Do movie companies really think people are that stupid? And didnt the Fantastic Four just come out like two weeks ago? And Batman two weeks before that? Give us a fucking break already. And this one is just some new made-up character alongside X-Men rip-off school kids whose powers havent fully developed yet. Kelly Preston gave me a hard-on about 20 years ago, but now shed have a better chance of getting a cooked ramen noodle hard. Travoltas chick is no Scientolobabe if you ask me. Speaking of which, if Mr. Big Trouble in Little Vagina were smart hed lose that flabby former "Laugh In" girl and spend his time pulling a Woody Allen by trying to put his super unit in his step daughter Kate Hudsons easy-bake oven instead of wasting his time playing dress up with a bunch of DC Comics throw aways. The one and only severed ear this movie gets is for the Bruce Gimme Some Sugar, Baby Campbell cameo. Cant wait until Shrapnel sends me that "Briscoe County Jr." box set!
Imagine that there is a joke that every single good comedian has told at least once. Now imagine that when a comedian tells this joke it is their sole responsibility to tell the joke in the most outrageous, disgusting, polarizing, sick and twisted manner that they can possibly come up with. Now imagine that the joke isnt even that good, but that it is funny because every comedian alive wants to outdo the raunchiness of every other comedian alive. Now imagine that this joke is like a secret handshake between comedians, and that no one outside the comedy world has ever even heard the joke. And finally, imagine that one day they took every comedian brave enough to tell the secret in public, and put him or her all in one film telling this joke. Now you know exactly what this movie is about. You still dont know the joke, and that probably doesnt matter. All you need to know is that fans of "Full House" should go see Bob Saget in this performance. Definitely fun for the whole family! By the time I got to the end of the film, George Carlins opening telling of the joke seemed like bunnies frolicking in the park instead of the dead babies of Hiroshima that it was. I was even offended at times. I could even tell you the joke right now, but like I said, its not that funny. Its basically an industry knock-knock joke with a different middle everytime, and the punch line is always, the Aristocrats. But all your favorites are here. From Chris Rock to Carrie Fisher. From "South Park" to Sarah Silverman. Phyllis Diller to Drew Carey. Shit, they even let the hated one himself, Scott They call me Carrot Top Cause My Dick Hair is Red Thompson in the movie, because he knew the secret code. If you have a strong stomach and a good sense of humor, run out and see this one before it gets banned at even more theaters than it is now.
Tobe Hooper called and he wants his blood and guts back. Jesus Horatio Christ! Dee Snyders horror movie was probably better than this one. Director Rob Zombie says he was shooting for Peckinpaugh in style. Well he got about a close as Hellen Keller would get to winning the Tour De France. Thats right- a fucking Hellen Keller joke. This movie doesnt deserve much better than that. Anyone who knows me can tell you I am a huge fan of b-horror movies from Troll all the way up to Make Them Die Slowly. Shit I even watched Leprechaun in the Hood three times. But as much as the splatter and run tension works well in this flick, nothing else about the movie made any sense. I cant even bring myself to make some sexist comment about Robs wife, Sheri Moon Zombie, who stars in this movie just like its prequel House Of A thousand Corpses. Id personally rather imagine sticking my dick in one of Marilyn Mansons hand-me-down whores than anything that captain of crusty Drexel locks has fertilized with his pasty white zombie cock. "He musta thought it was white boy day" when he made this shlockfest. Priscilla Barnes' presence in the movie helped a little, mostly because I actually wanted to see her die as payback for the Terri years of "Threes Company", though her third nipple performance in Mallrats made up for some of that. Regardless, this movie gets one severed ear for casting Danny I only play the worlds toughest cholo Trejo and the other severed ear for digging up former WCW wrestler Diamond Dallas Page for a cameo. If you have any desire to see this Z-grade Natural Born Killers meets Ed Wood garbage, I recommend you at least wait until video so you can see the uncut version.
What happens when you make a show featuring the captain of the quickly canceled "Babylon 5" spin off and the guy who use to take it in the ass every week from that "Law and Order" guy on "OZ" as your stars? Well, you get a show that no one really cares about. Its not that this show is bad so much as its just not good. If you have a desire to watch really mediocre television that wishes it were "The Shield", but ends up feeling more like a campy "Cagney and Lacey", then by all means please watch this warm glass of milk. This show is basically about a bunch of LA top cops that are assigned the job of tracking down 100 of the worst criminals. Sadly, the pairing of top cops is less believable in this show than it was in Tango And Cash, and it doesnt even have that mutant looking male Cher clone Bobby ZDar to keep me entertained. To his credit, Lee Tergesen of "Oz" fame is pretty good in everything he does, though it disturbs me that he looks like Morgan Spurlock now. It also disturbs me that Ive seen him have tongue sex with another grown man, so I guess I can get over his bad mustache. I also really loved Gary Cole in Office Space, but that is probably because he really is a tool in real life, which ultimately translates to this shoddy performance. The show just isnt special. It is another cop show that attempts to be gritty, but just pushes it too far and cant pull it off. It reminds of the time I saw the East Cleveland Community Theater do a stage production of Seven. It just doesnt work. This show is mediocre TV for mediocre people, so Im sure itll win an Emmy or two next year.
Wow, did I just watch that? There was not one redeeming element of this show. Hands down the worst thing that will air on TV all year. Reality has completely left the realm of what is real in any fashion. Young, know-nothing lawyers boring the shit out each other and the audience mustve knocked the advertisers dead at upfronts. Somebody make em eat roach shakes or something. Jeez. How about having them defend professional athletes? Now thats a challenge. If I ever run in to producer David E. Kelley, it will difficult for me not to bludgeon him to death with his own arm stump. Review over.
Some guys like to blow stuff up. Some guys like to drive really fast in a circle. Some guys like to watch sports. Some guys like to shoot guns and have sex with dirty flea-ridden whores. And apparently geek guys like to build battling robots and now find new ways to shoot stuff into the air. I of course fall into the second-to-last category. But I have to admit that it is a whole lot of fun for some reason to watch rocket science at work. This show is basically "Robot Wars" meets "Monster Garage", with just a touch of "Pimp My Ride". Two teams basically compete to see who can find a way to launch an item into the sky and have it perform a certain way, like spinning to the left, for instance. May sound boring, but watching these geeks go somehow satisfies the blow stuff up guys, the sports guys, the NASCAR dads and the Trekkers. (Note: I did not say Trekkies. The toughest sniper that ever lived, Carlos "White Feather" Hathcock II, was a Trekker, and always said he would take me out in my sleep if I got that wrong. Semper Fi). In the process of building any rocket youre gonna have shit blow up, and if it works right youre gonna get your speed fix. The sport element is in the head-to-head competition between the dueling Geek Squads. So it's hard not to have that pleasantly satisfied feeling like you just got a happy ending at Mrs. Wangs Palace of Massage. Plus who can deny a name that pays homage to Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome? Ive heard people say that good television isnt supposed to be rocket science, but now it is.
I think his name is some kind of secret code for more asinine than the last dumb fuck with a trucker hat that pretended to rock when he was actually a pussy. In fact, Maroon Five is the only band that can lay claim to falling into this category and not sucking more than a thirty-dollar Thai hooker. Music reviews have simply become the bane of my existence. Im beginning to think that the last good record that came out was released by Thomas Edison. Fuck it. Mr. AZ takes everything Rob Thomas and Third Eye Blind and rolls it into one giant ball of fuck me with your elbow. Its painful, not playful. Disgusting, not distinct. Tormenting not torrid. And when its all said and done, it just makes you feel dirtier than Christina Aguilera singing at a Promise Keepers rally. Even people who like bubble gum garbage, dont like when bubble gum gets caught in their durf area nappy hairs. Do yourself a favor and die if you like this fucking guy or his soulless, soul-sucking music.
Ill be making an attempt to take my reviews into the high tech realm of podcasting and downloads in the near future, and Id like add some flavor from my pitifully pussy batch of readers. Thats you! So Im asking two questions and a favor this week, and just let me know if you cant comply so that I can drop by your grandmothers nursing home and pull the plug on the dirty old wench.
1). Who is your favorite hot starlet of the past 2 decades? Im not talking about hags here. I only want the ones that make you immediately run for the bottle of Jergens and your favorite jerk sock from the hamper.
2). Would you download a podcast, MP3 or stream of Napalms show "Soap Chips and Gasoline". Im sure many of you are curious to know what I sound like, though its not so pretty ever since that bullet grazed my trachea in the My Lai Massacre of 1968.
3). The Favor - For the next few weeks, leave me questions that you would like to hear the answers to in the audio version of "Soap Chips and Gasoline". You can ask me about Hollywood gossip, obscure b-movies, actresses' breasts, what directors and actors I want to kill with my bare hands, what musicians have had sex with other men, etc. Anything you can think of related to Hollywood is fair game.
Ill be back next week with my Dukes Of Hazzard Special Edition!
How marvelous! Posted: 8/8/2005by: Sweet Jimmy Success Christina Ricci is a pretty bizarre looking lady. My nomination goes to Shannyn Sossamon, though I certainly don't have a problem with lovely Jessica Alba either.
Also I wouldn't bother with the downloading; I prefer to read things, so I can digest at my own pace (that is to say super-goddamn-fast). sand Posted: 8/3/2005by: Cyrinius There's no sand in Arizona, douchebag. PS Posted: 7/29/2005by: J-Rock I would definitely listen to a audio version of this, but I don't have an overpriced Ipoop to listen to poopcasts on. I do have the 128 mb kmart special mp3 player called the iBroke. But it does play regular mp3s so I can't wait. Hope I can play whatever you put up. Always Good Posted: 7/29/2005by: J-Rock Last weeks reviews were better and I still gave you a five this week. Always good shit dude! That Christina Ricci link is awesome! Thanks, matt. I think she just won herself a new fan.
? for Napalm - What the hell kind of childhood did you have cause you are one twisted bastard? Also I heard Kate Hudson and Halle Berry have liitle sisters that are hot? They been in any movies yet? Power of Google Posted: 7/29/2005by: matt Last post interested me about Christinia Ricci nude, so here you go.
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/crbed.html
Kudos Posted: 7/29/2005by: Jackie Reviews are always great! Aristocrats was hard to sit through. Very funny, but this review right, it was about one joke the whole time. I was expecting something a little different when I saw it. It was very vulgar and over the top if you like that kind of stuff. My question, was Kurt Russel really a mouseketeer? I agree that Rachel McAdams is really pretty, but so is Scarlett Johanson. Sir, yes, sir Posted: 7/29/2005by: Private Parts Holly crap! I googled that Carlos guy and Napalm wasn't kidding! That kinda scares me a little. I can't wait to hear the audio on Soap chips! Where will you broadcast from?
I too think Christina Ricci is hot but never knew there was a nude scene of her like that. Must netflix that movie.
I'd like to know what Napalm's weapon of choice is. Pistol, rifle, knife, explosives? Brand and model? And how do you find time to see all of these flicks? Brattattatattatattatattta! Posted: 7/29/2005by: Napalm Jones Barry - I believe her name was Joyce Hyser and yes she did get naked at the end when she flashes her guy pal so he'll believe that she's actually a chick as that other guy said. Citing this movie however may mean that you are a latent homosexual, but that is your problem to deal with. I maintain a don't ask don't tell policy just like the corp used to. Just don't let me catch you within 40 yards of the latrine when I'm around unless you like the sound of eating your own teeth.
Charles - I'm checking on the Owen Wilson thing, I'll ask Jimmy Caan in a couple of weeks when I see him at Mary Tyler Moore's annual September 11th memorial ho-down and BBQ. I also believe your obsession with Christina Ricci is based purely on seeing the DVD of Prozac Nation where she does a full nude scene. That would keep anyone from noticing that giant billboard like space she calls her forehead.
Atlas - Brenda's favorite color is blue and she likes to skip breakfast or have a piece of fruit on the run. But that's just what Al Pacino says, you'd have to ask her for the real story. Carlos was my Sgt for a few years and in fact was the guy who got me bumped up to Gunnery Sgt. He holds the record for the longest kill ever, but it was not an "official" mission so no one will ever know. I however was his spotter that day and it was pretty impressive. God rest your soul White Feather. Sempi Fi!
gtiller- your mom has an awesome rack! But she's not an actress so let me think on that one.
Keep the questions coming. I'll read and answer the best ones in my first audio broadcast coming soon. And don't forget to click that little rating button above on a 5, so I don't have to come to your house and feed you rat poisoned Pixie Stix. Good as usual Posted: 7/29/2005by: Jack 1. Jessica Alba and Natalie Portman 2. Sure I would give it a shot. 3. I would like to know of the biggest underground slut actress in Hollywood along with details of her slutty ways. The hot chick in Just One of the Guys Posted: 7/29/2005by: YoMama Joyce Hyser. And yes, at the very end of the movie, she shows Rick Morehouse her tits to prove she's a girl before she tongues him. Great tits, by the way. Also some good shots of her in a bikini.
Why do I know so much about this movie, you ask? None of your fucking business, I answer. So shut you mouth before I gnaw off your arm and shit the remnants down your throat.
Her almost nude scene in A Love Song For Bobby Long
Her see through panties in Lost in Translation
Her pingy nipples in Eight Legged Freaks and Ghost World
Hearing that Benecio DelToro spilt her crack in an elevator
Her performance in the Island. :(
A little something extra for that doe-eyed look in Girl With Pearl Earring.
So my editor sends me a screener DVD of this movie last Thursday. I had long flight that day from Buenos Aires to Fort Myers in the back of a cargo plane, so I popped it in. At first I thought he had sent me the wrong tape. I was honestly expecting to see a movie about Method Man and Redman smoking some kind of magical weed that made everyone think they were high school students again so they could go mack on the underage set. Instead I got a former mousketeer running around in tights. And it wasnt Britney I Always Knew You Were Trash Spears. It was Kurt Russell in those tights, in yet another obvious attempt to capitalize on the success of the Incredibles. Do movie companies really think people are that stupid? And didnt the Fantastic Four just come out like two weeks ago? And Batman two weeks before that? Give us a fucking break already. And this one is just some new made-up character alongside X-Men rip-off school kids whose powers havent fully developed yet. Kelly Preston gave me a hard-on about 20 years ago, but now shed have a better chance of getting a cooked ramen noodle hard. Travoltas chick is no Scientolobabe if you ask me. Speaking of which, if Mr. Big Trouble in Little Vagina were smart hed lose that flabby former "Laugh In" girl and spend his time pulling a Woody Allen by trying to put his super unit in his step daughter Kate Hudsons easy-bake oven instead of wasting his time playing dress up with a bunch of DC Comics throw aways. The one and only severed ear this movie gets is for the Bruce Gimme Some Sugar, Baby Campbell cameo. Cant wait until Shrapnel sends me that "Briscoe County Jr." box set!
Imagine that there is a joke that every single good comedian has told at least once. Now imagine that when a comedian tells this joke it is their sole responsibility to tell the joke in the most outrageous, disgusting, polarizing, sick and twisted manner that they can possibly come up with. Now imagine that the joke isnt even that good, but that it is funny because every comedian alive wants to outdo the raunchiness of every other comedian alive. Now imagine that this joke is like a secret handshake between comedians, and that no one outside the comedy world has ever even heard the joke. And finally, imagine that one day they took every comedian brave enough to tell the secret in public, and put him or her all in one film telling this joke. Now you know exactly what this movie is about. You still dont know the joke, and that probably doesnt matter. All you need to know is that fans of "Full House" should go see Bob Saget in this performance. Definitely fun for the whole family! By the time I got to the end of the film, George Carlins opening telling of the joke seemed like bunnies frolicking in the park instead of the dead babies of Hiroshima that it was. I was even offended at times. I could even tell you the joke right now, but like I said, its not that funny. Its basically an industry knock-knock joke with a different middle everytime, and the punch line is always, the Aristocrats. But all your favorites are here. From Chris Rock to Carrie Fisher. From "South Park" to Sarah Silverman. Phyllis Diller to Drew Carey. Shit, they even let the hated one himself, Scott They call me Carrot Top Cause My Dick Hair is Red Thompson in the movie, because he knew the secret code. If you have a strong stomach and a good sense of humor, run out and see this one before it gets banned at even more theaters than it is now.
Tobe Hooper called and he wants his blood and guts back. Jesus Horatio Christ! Dee Snyders horror movie was probably better than this one. Director Rob Zombie says he was shooting for Peckinpaugh in style. Well he got about a close as Hellen Keller would get to winning the Tour De France. Thats right- a fucking Hellen Keller joke. This movie doesnt deserve much better than that. Anyone who knows me can tell you I am a huge fan of b-horror movies from Troll all the way up to Make Them Die Slowly. Shit I even watched Leprechaun in the Hood three times. But as much as the splatter and run tension works well in this flick, nothing else about the movie made any sense. I cant even bring myself to make some sexist comment about Robs wife, Sheri Moon Zombie, who stars in this movie just like its prequel House Of A thousand Corpses. Id personally rather imagine sticking my dick in one of Marilyn Mansons hand-me-down whores than anything that captain of crusty Drexel locks has fertilized with his pasty white zombie cock. "He musta thought it was white boy day" when he made this shlockfest. Priscilla Barnes' presence in the movie helped a little, mostly because I actually wanted to see her die as payback for the Terri years of "Threes Company", though her third nipple performance in Mallrats made up for some of that. Regardless, this movie gets one severed ear for casting Danny I only play the worlds toughest cholo Trejo and the other severed ear for digging up former WCW wrestler Diamond Dallas Page for a cameo. If you have any desire to see this Z-grade Natural Born Killers meets Ed Wood garbage, I recommend you at least wait until video so you can see the uncut version.
What happens when you make a show featuring the captain of the quickly canceled "Babylon 5" spin off and the guy who use to take it in the ass every week from that "Law and Order" guy on "OZ" as your stars? Well, you get a show that no one really cares about. Its not that this show is bad so much as its just not good. If you have a desire to watch really mediocre television that wishes it were "The Shield", but ends up feeling more like a campy "Cagney and Lacey", then by all means please watch this warm glass of milk. This show is basically about a bunch of LA top cops that are assigned the job of tracking down 100 of the worst criminals. Sadly, the pairing of top cops is less believable in this show than it was in Tango And Cash, and it doesnt even have that mutant looking male Cher clone Bobby ZDar to keep me entertained. To his credit, Lee Tergesen of "Oz" fame is pretty good in everything he does, though it disturbs me that he looks like Morgan Spurlock now. It also disturbs me that Ive seen him have tongue sex with another grown man, so I guess I can get over his bad mustache. I also really loved Gary Cole in Office Space, but that is probably because he really is a tool in real life, which ultimately translates to this shoddy performance. The show just isnt special. It is another cop show that attempts to be gritty, but just pushes it too far and cant pull it off. It reminds of the time I saw the East Cleveland Community Theater do a stage production of Seven. It just doesnt work. This show is mediocre TV for mediocre people, so Im sure itll win an Emmy or two next year.
Wow, did I just watch that? There was not one redeeming element of this show. Hands down the worst thing that will air on TV all year. Reality has completely left the realm of what is real in any fashion. Young, know-nothing lawyers boring the shit out each other and the audience mustve knocked the advertisers dead at upfronts. Somebody make em eat roach shakes or something. Jeez. How about having them defend professional athletes? Now thats a challenge. If I ever run in to producer David E. Kelley, it will difficult for me not to bludgeon him to death with his own arm stump. Review over.
I think his name is some kind of secret code for more asinine than the last dumb fuck with a trucker hat that pretended to rock when he was actually a pussy. In fact, Maroon Five is the only band that can lay claim to falling into this category and not sucking more than a thirty-dollar Thai hooker. Music reviews have simply become the bane of my existence. Im beginning to think that the last good record that came out was released by Thomas Edison. Fuck it. Mr. AZ takes everything Rob Thomas and Third Eye Blind and rolls it into one giant ball of fuck me with your elbow. Its painful, not playful. Disgusting, not distinct. Tormenting not torrid. And when its all said and done, it just makes you feel dirtier than Christina Aguilera singing at a Promise Keepers rally. Even people who like bubble gum garbage, dont like when bubble gum gets caught in their durf area nappy hairs. Do yourself a favor and die if you like this fucking guy or his soulless, soul-sucking music.
