Goodbye, Mr. Miyagi! Thats right. When actor Pat Morita heard that Mr. Sulu was gay he keeled over dead. George Takei was his hero. Proof that it was okay to be a Japanese man on TV and in movies that had a bizarre accent. In fact, Morita idolized George Takei so much that he insisted on feigning broken English for the Karate Kid movies even though his English is perfect. Little did he know Takeis deep voiced lispy charm was really the by product of being a top in the world of man-on-man ass plundering. Lets face it, theres a reason why Starfleet academy is located in San Francisco, and it aint the Chinese food.
In related news, Elton John has announced that he will publicly marry his longtime companion after gay marriage becomes legal in Great Britain later this month. Liza Minelli almost dropped dead at that announcement until Elton called her and said the only reason he didnt marry her is because her penis wasnt big enough for him. George Michael will also wed his gay lover early next year. Thats right, he takes the dirt road, so stop singing "Careless Whisper" to your girlfriend to get her to spread the meat curtains. RIP Mr. Miyagi. You were the man that made Reseda a reality to me. You brought new meaning to waxing my car. You made that Alien Ant Farm video cool. You discovered Hilary Swank! Damn that Sulu! We will miss you, Mr. Miyagi.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Is it my fault that after the first two and a half hours of this three-hour clunker, I just wanted to see Kong take a shit off the side of the Empire State Building? Or maybe just fling a handful of his poo at the attacking bi-planes? Or in the ultimate act of felatio, just strip Naomi Watts naked and lick her with his 20-foot tongue? Im sure Kong would do a better job than Sean Penn of getting her gigantic nips wet. Maybe I just liked movies better when they starred people, not pixels. Honestly, I think its the fact that other than Jack Blacks over-the-top riffs as meglomaniacal filmmaker and the switch of Adrian Brodys character to being a neurotic screenwriter from a sailor like in the original, this movie just doesnt offer anything new. If you liked Titanic then youll love this. If you are like me, and you could give a flying fuck about rich people drowning, then you probably wont care much for a bunch of filmmakers stumbling across the Land Of The Lost either. Personally, I think Michael Crichton and Stephen Spielberg deserve some residuals for the first hour of this flick basically being Jurassic Park 4.
But there is something compelling about this movie- Jungle Fever. I mean, wasnt that what King Kong was always about? Its basically a white mans story about being afraid of what happens when a savage black man decides he wants the sexy blonde chick. Think about it. It basically parallels the entire black experience. The entrepreneuring white man decides he can turn a buck off of the brotha, so he chains him up in a ship and brings him to America. Eventually, the brotha becomes a successful entertainer. Everyone loves the brotha until he gets all uppity and wants a white girl. Then they gotta kill him. My guess is that Peter Jackson made this movie because he is horrified that Denzel Washington, Kobe Bryant, and Prince will all of a sudden start vacationing in New Zealand. Then, regardless of all the weight hes lost, white chicks will never want to bang him or any other rich white guy down under again. In typical Hollywood fashion, the big black monster is played by Andy "Gollum" Sirkis in CG monkey black face. But infusing the concept of racial tension in a bunch of flashy lights and whirring zeros and ones makes Kong feel like pushing a six hundred-pound gorilla uphill to me, not the work of a master filmsmith like most reviewers would like you to believe.
So how is this about Jesus? Someone said because the faithful are waiting the return of the Lion. I mean, Im sure the fundamentalists love the fact that even a white witch is an evil witch, but this whole thing is about magic and shit to me. Not exactly God stuff in my book, so I was surprised to hear that all the religious groups that supported The Passion of The Christ came out in favor of this mystical dry British flick about 4 kids that fall through the looking glass, or in this case a closet, into a world of magic and wars. On the heals of Harry Potter's three weeks at number one, Id be very surprised to see the King of Kings himself dethrone the scarred Crown Prince of all things magical. Potters got Hermiones newly sprouted ta-tas and a rival school of hot witches to keep his wand in line; Narnia has talking beavers. I dont know about you, but I pack my junk away when the beaver starts talking to me.
Even with the two tabs of windowpane I dropped before the flick, all the special effects centaurs, satyrs, and buffalo men felt more like scratch 'n' sniff stickers at the top of a book report than integrated characters in the story. It did however make me want to revist all those Zamfir records I bought in the late 80's. Nothing says trippy gay Satyr like the pan flute. But regardless, this first installment of seven tales of Narnia feels like a truly faithful adaptation of CS Lewis book. Too bad all seven books were mediocre source material to begin with.
Well, fuck me with a hermaphrodites penis! Lindsay Lohan actually managed to do something right. The first song on this album is actually all about her relationship with her wingnut pappy. That dude is like the John Wayne Gacy of showbiz dads. I swear, he watched the E! True Hollywood Story of Gary Coleman for pointers. Anyway, it would be nice if artists and singers would take Lindsays lead and actually start writing songs that are about something. Too bad she is neither an artist nor a singer. I feel it is my duty to tell Lindsay that contrary to popular belief, Stevie Nicks is still alive and will probably choke her with a gypsy scarf for destroying Edge of Seventeen. The various producers of this album are to be commended for their fine efforts in attempting to make Lindsay palatable as a performer, but at best this album should be filed between Jennifer Loves Hugetits Barenaked and Juliette Lewiss Youre Speaking My Language. Id tell them all to stick with acting, but what Id really mean is How long until youre all so broke that you need a job in porn? Though honestly, as hot as Lohan may be in the baby feeder department, her face with no make up looks like that grilled cheese with Christ image that got sold on Ebay earlier this year.
After last week's review of Just Friends, people keep asking me why the fuck I have anything good to say about Mr. macho man meat Ryan Reynolds? Especially considering how much I hate Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (his breakthrough TV role), Alanis Morrisette (his fugly fianc), the fact that the remake of Amityville Horror that he starred in was so bad it was literally the last film ever made by MGM, that every star who got their start on Nickelodeon shows sucks (his Degrassy-like dud was called Fifteen), and that I hate just about everything and everyone from our great white 51st state to the north, Canada (with the obvious exclusions of Shatner and Evangeline Lilly). The answer to why I like him is Van mother-fucking Wilder. Its not that Van Wilder is the best college movie ever made, that is certainly Animal House. I mean dog balls, protein shakes and topless tutors are only mildly humorous to begin with. Shit, I even think Back To School has better jokes in the grand scheme of things. But Ryan Reynolds delivery through every scene in Van Wilder is finely crafted comedy genius that makes me enjoy every minute hes in. Its like he channeled all the smarm and charm wit of Chevy Chase & Bill Murray all into one Zach from 'Saved By The Bell'-looking character. Even Tara Reid's lopsided walleyed pingers and vapid expressions don't distract me from his awesome performance. When I first saw Van Wilder I pinned my hopes for the entire comedic genre on Ryan Reynolds. Too bad he followed it up with a slew of supporting roles like Harold and Kumar and The In-Laws and even several non-comedic performances like Foolproof, Blade Trinity and the aforementioned third-worst remake of all time. Now with Waiting, Just Friends and the upcoming Smoking Aces it seems like hes back on target as a funny man. I just hope he hasnt lost the touch he had in Van Wilder. My recommendation for the cold winter months is to curl up with a nice warm bowl of Afghani and pull out all the National Lampoons classics like Animal House, Vacation and Van Wilder just so you can see what funny actors can do to make a movie a gem.
Personally the only thing I was ever really excited about involving the new version of King Kong was the seventy two different DVD versions that will come out with extended cuts and making of features that are longer but possibly more compelling than the actual film. Shit, Lord of the Rings has a Trekkies like movie out now that is just about the fucking fans. But future Kong DVDs have been prematurely ruined for me with the coinciding release of several making of documentaries by Peter Jackson that have been running on the web. So, I am curious to know if any Phat Phree readers even remotely give a shit about all this Peter Jackson is God and King Kong hype. Also, in honor of Pat Morita, what is you favorite Karate movie, scene or actor?
Ass-Fag? Posted: 12/13/2005by: S Dot As opposed to a vagina fag? napalm's just an ass-fag Posted: 12/11/2005by: TD So it comes out. Hate Canada huh? I used to think your reviews were semi-humorous. You're just a clown with a very limited point of view. ! Posted: 12/11/2005by: Eric As soon as I heard Jackson was doing Kong, I laughed and said there was no fucking way I'd see it. Then I went to see Jarhead, and during "The Twenty" before the show, I saw a mini-Kong documentary. Peter Jackson went from fat loveable dork that made LOTR (which I love) to a skinny, creepy coke fiend looking guy. This alone solidified my position on not seeing the movie. In a sense, I gave a shit, but there is no way I'll see it.
As far as Karate Kid goes, I never really gave a shit about any of the movies, because even at a young age I knew the inevitable good-guy-wins outcome. Pablo Posted: 12/10/2005by: Jesse L. I appreciate the compliment but I have to agree with Atlas (not about you eating a dick, though). Bill Simmons is a good writer. He wouldn't be hauling in that jack and being worldwide if he wasn't.
Dick Posted: 12/10/2005by: Atlas Simmons is a good writer Pablo. Eat a dick. Yuck Posted: 12/9/2005by: Pablo Isn't telling someone their writing is like Bill Simmons an insult? Are you trying to say his writing brings up a topic, then talks about his dad or buddy Sal who nobody gives a shit about was on the phone with Bill? And that he then wrote 4 paragraphs talking about how much he loves Teen Wolf Too and that he's going to put obscure NBA games on ESPN8 when he runs it? Or how he makes such a big deal out of his "5 year rule" and yet can't go one baseball article without bringing up something bad the Red Sox did?
Simmons is a hack who left ESPN for L.A. to start his writing career, but still hasn't left despite the fact he's now left Jimmy Kimmel for ESPN full time. All he does is bash L.A. but loves to name-drop Los Angeles spots that he thinks are cool(The Grove! Woah, a mall in West L.A. populated by 13 year old girls! Simmons is keeping it fucking real!) I think he's doing a book signing at Westwood or at the Barnes and Noble(at The Grove. har har). I should probably go spit in his face. Simmons probably thinks anything east of Beverly/La Brea is gang territory.
Jesse, you're a much better sports writer than Simmons. Maybe it has something to do with people actually feeling sorry for Cleveland sports fans. I'm sorry, I can't feel sorry for a guy who is a fan of 16-time champion Celtics, 5-time champion Bruins, and 3-time champion Pats and then writes NOW I CAN DIE IN PEACE. What a dick. Jesse Posted: 12/9/2005by: Dave C. you know more about sports than simmons anyway. JL Posted: 12/9/2005by: matt I will pass it on to my good friend Bill Show me, paint the fence AYE!!! Posted: 12/9/2005by: Kiley -The scene where Miyagi is shitfaced and singing with his army uni on was the best scene about Karate ever.
I can't believe Takei is gay. I thought he acted like that because he was Asian.
Great read Napalm. Kreese Posted: 12/9/2005by: Jesse L. Whoever said any scene involving John Kreese is the best scene nailed it. My favorite; when Daniel & Mr. Miyagi visit Kreese's dojo in order to get the Kobra Kais to lay off Daniel:
"You're a pushy little bastard. But I like that."
"Nobody touches the prima donna till after the tournament."
"Yes, sinsei!"
Matt- it would be awesome if you were Bill Simmons. I wonder if he's ever read my column?
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Is it my fault that after the first two and a half hours of this three-hour clunker, I just wanted to see Kong take a shit off the side of the Empire State Building? Or maybe just fling a handful of his poo at the attacking bi-planes? Or in the ultimate act of felatio, just strip Naomi Watts naked and lick her with his 20-foot tongue? Im sure Kong would do a better job than Sean Penn of getting her gigantic nips wet. Maybe I just liked movies better when they starred people, not pixels. Honestly, I think its the fact that other than Jack Blacks over-the-top riffs as meglomaniacal filmmaker and the switch of Adrian Brodys character to being a neurotic screenwriter from a sailor like in the original, this movie just doesnt offer anything new. If you liked Titanic then youll love this. If you are like me, and you could give a flying fuck about rich people drowning, then you probably wont care much for a bunch of filmmakers stumbling across the Land Of The Lost either. Personally, I think Michael Crichton and Stephen Spielberg deserve some residuals for the first hour of this flick basically being Jurassic Park 4.
So how is this about Jesus? Someone said because the faithful are waiting the return of the Lion. I mean, Im sure the fundamentalists love the fact that even a white witch is an evil witch, but this whole thing is about magic and shit to me. Not exactly God stuff in my book, so I was surprised to hear that all the religious groups that supported The Passion of The Christ came out in favor of this mystical dry British flick about 4 kids that fall through the looking glass, or in this case a closet, into a world of magic and wars. On the heals of Harry Potter's three weeks at number one, Id be very surprised to see the King of Kings himself dethrone the scarred Crown Prince of all things magical. Potters got Hermiones newly sprouted ta-tas and a rival school of hot witches to keep his wand in line; Narnia has talking beavers. I dont know about you, but I pack my junk away when the beaver starts talking to me. 
Well, fuck me with a hermaphrodites penis! Lindsay Lohan actually managed to do something right. The first song on this album is actually all about her relationship with her wingnut pappy. That dude is like the John Wayne Gacy of showbiz dads. I swear, he watched the E! True Hollywood Story of Gary Coleman for pointers. Anyway, it would be nice if artists and singers would take Lindsays lead and actually start writing songs that are about something. Too bad she is neither an artist nor a singer. I feel it is my duty to tell Lindsay that contrary to popular belief, Stevie Nicks is still alive and will probably choke her with a gypsy scarf for destroying Edge of Seventeen. The various producers of this album are to be commended for their fine efforts in attempting to make Lindsay palatable as a performer, but at best this album should be filed between Jennifer Loves Hugetits Barenaked and Juliette Lewiss Youre Speaking My Language. Id tell them all to stick with acting, but what Id really mean is How long until youre all so broke that you need a job in porn? Though honestly, as hot as Lohan may be in the baby feeder department, her face with no make up looks like that grilled cheese with Christ image that got sold on Ebay earlier this year.
After last week's review of 
Shit, Lord of the Rings has a Trekkies like movie out now that is just about the fucking fans. But future Kong DVDs have been prematurely ruined for me with the coinciding release of several making of documentaries by Peter Jackson that have been running on the web. So, I am curious to know if any Phat Phree readers even remotely give a shit about all this Peter Jackson is God and King Kong hype. Also, in honor of Pat Morita, what is you favorite Karate movie, scene or actor?
