Im really tired of grown ass adults talking about how they love to read the Harry Potter series. Seriously, the books are meant for kids. I dont care that you think adults can enjoy them too, theyre not for you, just let it go.
Inevitably these freaks corner you with the ever annoying Hogwarts inquisition. Ill usually try to politely break the news that Harry Potter isnt really my thing, and hopefully gently deflect the topic. Very rarely does the information that I havent read any of the books get a pass. Thus begins the conversation I've had a thousand times:
Really, you haven't read Harry Potter?! Oh, you should, theyre great. "Yeah, I've-" "They're not just for kids! You should read one, you'll love it!" Nah I dont think Id really enjo- Thats what I thought and then I read just one, and now Im hooked! Great, but Im still not Just read one, I promise youll get into it! You can borrow mine.
Damn people, back up OFF these n-u-teez - are you getting paid for this? Is this a pyramid scheme? Wait, I get itthis is Scientology, right?
I swear these people are a hair cut and a robe away from crazy. Im talking matching velcro Nikes crazy.
Listen Potter people, I havent read the books. I will never read the books. Ever. Understand? Actually, you know what? I dont think you DO understand me, so let me make it very clear
I would rather swallow a handful of thumb tacks.
I would rather I eat a used baby diaper.
I would rather forcibly shove a glass thermometer deep into my pee hole and smash it with a hammer.
I would rather I ride a unicycle with a dildo for a seat.
I would rather smear poop on my lips and French kiss my grandfather.
I would sucker punch one of the Crips and try to run away wearing ski boots.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I get invited by Bill and Ted to travel back in time to cut Jesus umbilical chord with a lightsaber.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I towel snap Chuck Norris in the locker room at the gym and call him a fag.
I would rather drink a broken glass and tabasco smoothie.
I would rather wipe my ass with steel wool.
I would rather slap an angry Pit-bull on the nose with my bacon-covered penis.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day Mr. T stops pitying fools.
I would rather press my ball bag against a running sand belt.
I would rather raw dog it with a Taiwanese transsexual, hip deep in a dumpster full of whale sperm.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I attend a Wookie bar mitvah.
and you.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I snort heroine off Wilford Brimleys cock in a bathroom stall at the Viper Room.
I would rather eat a popsicle made of hobo drool.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I dunk on the Pope and knock his hat off.
I would rather slow dance with a pant-less Michael Jackson in a cemetery.
I would rather make balloon animals out of used condoms.
I would rather siphon a septic tank.
I would rather insert a pineapple into my ass.
I would rather ride on the back of a motorcycle with a shirtless man.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I breakdance fight a sasquatch, and lose.
I would rather open mouth kiss a horse.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I have a three way with Rainbow Brite and a Carebear on the back of a unicorn.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I rap battle Skeletor and lose.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I dance battle Optimus Prime for his trailer and win.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I pull a switch blade on E.T. over an argument concerning Brazils steadily growing agricultural market, and the impact on U.S. farming economy.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I have a harmonica jam with Bruce Willis.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I get a beej from Smurfette in the bathroom at Castle Greyskull.
I would rather try to stop a lawn mower blade with my tongue.
I would rather wear a catnip suit to a safari.
mostly you.
I would rather fall asleep on an African ant hill wearing taffy underpants.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I give a deaf unicorn the finger.
You're The Best Posted: 9/6/2006by: Graham Best author on here, ever send something in to Rudius media? halarious Posted: 8/26/2006by: Rod brilliant - very funny.
how could you not think that 'smearing poop on my lips and french kissing my grandfather' ins't funny? fucking halarious. Really? Posted: 4/26/2006by: Feech I think i would just rather read the bokk. But i towel whipp Chuck norris for fun Nor I Posted: 2/24/2006by: IamMax I'd rather get anally raped by John Malkovich. Me Neither Posted: 2/9/2006by: WESquared Yeah, I'd rather attempt to break up a cat fight between Maureen Dowd and Ann Coulter before I'd read any "Hairy Pothead" books.
I'd rather get a lap dance from a nearly naked Barbara Walters. quality Posted: 1/16/2006by: tess one of the funniest articles on TPP in a while - original. you need to write more stuff, cause you make me giggle until i pee a little. I get a kick outta goofy-ass teen magicians Posted: 1/16/2006by: The Chairman Justin baby, I got chunks of guys like you in my stool.
You ever post anything this un-funny again I'm going to beat you like a deaf dominatrix. Snoogins. Yawn! Posted: 1/15/2006by: whatever Seriously, is this the best you can muster. Wow. I feel better now. This was not funny. The Scarlet Letter comments? Funny. i feel the same fucking way. Posted: 1/15/2006by: jones okay, i have to admit that my good intentions actually made me read the first 30 pages of the first harry potter book. and i was so not enlightened.
even worse is that adults hail it to the heavens.
an adult praising harry potter is like getting a rush out of riding the toddler-coaster at six flags. an adult reading _all_ of the harry potter books is like buying laced crack cocaine off a street vendor. six times in a row. and still pretending that it's the finest yayo. I love your body Larry Posted: 1/14/2006by: deesnuts01 This shit is hilarious, both the article and the stupid arguments about it.
