A picture is worth a thousand jerks. No really, I mean it. After reading Faths birthday wishes for Stephanie Swift, I began to get a nostalgic cramp in my right hand for the days of VCR tapes and Watchers Web. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was time to buy new porn when your tape wore out, not when you got sick of switching the multiple angels of Ashley Blue's triple DP. Hell, before 2000, it was rare to find much of anything going in the butt. Back then it was all about a few web cams and some classy nude still from DOMAI or Sublime Directory. Now a days, kids jump right to The Hun and get to downloading 2-minute clips of pregnant MILFS squirting on the Bang Bus crew. What has the world come to? Call me old fashioned, but give me some good old Blue Movie and some celebrity nipple slip photos and Im just find. Ill leave the extreme bukkake to the youngsters who cant stand to throw a load unless some four-eyed bookworm Betty is wearing it.
Personally, I prefer to beat the Kaiser to that scene of Wynona running through the rainy garden maze in Dracula. In my imagination, I catch her just as she comes across Gary Oldman, but instead of being a wolf he is Drexel from True Romance and he is choking Lucy with his braids. You musta thought it was White Boy Day. Since you been standing there its a Wynona with wet breastesses standing next to you waiting fo some cock. Then of course I screw Wynona so hard it fixes Keanus accent for the rest of the movie. Now thats a hot fantasy.
Speaking of vampire movies, the Underworld sequel was in fact mediocre and I still loved it. And speaking of True Romance, Frank Stallone will always be jealous of Chris Penns success, but thats because he was never a dancing cowboy in Footloose. RIP Chris, I wish it had been your brother.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Oh, sweet black baby Jesus! I was almost as thrilled to see this movie as I was when I heard about that Weekend at Bernies sequel. There is nothing more exciting in Hollywood than taking a tired, run-down bit and crafting another whole movie around it. These days Martin Lawrence is about as funny as Joey Lawrence, if you ask me. Bringing back his most forgettable character, Big Mamma, is about forty Damn Ginas short of a loaf if you know what Im saying. Ive got two words for Martin- cocaine. It worked for Richard Pryor, George Carlin and countless other funny men. In fact whats the worse thing that could happen? He gets all strung out and tossed in rehab and the world totally forgets about him. At least then there is no place to go but up. He could rebuild his career brick by brick and then dumb assholes nostalgic for more of that zany "You So Crazy" schtick would flock to see movies like this and National Security 2, which Im sure, isnt far behind. Personally I havent like Martin since his picture perfect portrayal of Black urban culture as Bilal in House Party 1 & 2, but thats just me.
Black dudes cross-dressing in fat suits are about as funny as Kanye West at a hurricane relief fundraiser. Wait, that is funny. How bout, funny as a mentally handicapped kid trying crack for the first time. Wait, thats kinda funny too. How bout, as funny as womens soccer. Wait, thats hysterical. Lets just say Martin Lawrence isnt as funny as any of those things, but he might be as good as season three of "Maude", so this movie gets one severed ear.
Top Gun meets An Officer And A Gentleman minus all the good parts. Once again Spideys soon-to-be arch-nemesis James Franco pops his wannabe-James Dean head into another thoroughly forgettable role. And I can tell you right now that Tyrese aint no kind of Louis Gossett Jr. In fact, Id have been pissed to see Tyrese in Iron Eagles 5: Hittin Air Switches! But there is one piece of nostalgia worth noting in this rebel-without-a-clue-in-training flop- Jordanna Brewster is the spitting image of Demi Moore in A Few Good Men. You cant handle the truth!, or my man junk! The truth is, Demi can still rock the socks off of most men, so why not have a hot young single version of her making the rounds. Dammit, I love a woman in uniform! Jordanna and Demi are about the only way a Navy officer will ever get me to stand at attention.Though, in fact, I have always believed the Marines was a department of the Navy the Mens Department! I can guarantee you wed be better off if all sailors looked like Jordanna. Its not like its hard work to ride around on a boat all-day and work on your tan.
The Navy might as well be all hot young chicks, and Jordannas flawless face would be the perfect place to start. She single-handedly made DEBS watchable. She made me forgive Jon Stewart for his part in The Faculty. She even made it possible for me to choke back down the puke in my throat from laughing so hard at Mark Vin Deisel Vincent and Paul Walkers ham fisted deliveries in The Fast and The Furious. Now if she could just take another cue from her predecessor, Demi, and find an About Last Night to get naked in and a The Seventh Sign to show that she can act, then I would be more than happy to forgive her for the fact that she obviously has never read a script before accepting a part. And by the way, I know pre-teens that are just thinking about becoming Marines that could mop the floor with any Annapolis grad, which made the movie completely unbelievable and totally boring.
Now heres a movie any service man can get in to. Its not some bloodbath sword and sandals flick like it sounds or the next Private Ryan or something, but it is a masterpiece of realistic and deliberate cinema. Director David Mamet is nothing short of a modern storytelling genius and he does no worse here by making the Val Kilmer character we all know and hate from Thunderheart, The Saint and whatever crappy Batman movie he was in actually work in this layered thriller. Given, Vals performance here is no Top Secret or Real Genius, but hes pretty believable as Secret Service agent forced to go rogue to rescue from white slavery some sleazy politician's slutty daughter that everyone would rather see dead. Maybe I just like it because it shows how easily a man can become a merciless killer when Uncle Sam calls, or that there is a line somewhere between following orders and learning to think for yourself. Honestly, its just a damn entertaining way to spend 108 minutes of your life. Its like A Man Apart minus the cheesy "Miami Vice" elements.
Speaking of which, Im giving 3 to 1 odds on over/under for the remake of "Vice" breaking even with its 100 million dollar budget. The day they remake "Hardcastle and McCormick" is the day I slit my own throat with a dirty fingernail.
You know, last year NBC said it was searching for the next relatable comedy with believable characters that America could sink its teeth into. That of course lead to Four Kings, a shitcom about four twenty something Jewish dudes who in inherit a sweet ass flat in New York city and sit around figuring out which uber hot chick to bawl from week to week. Oh, and let me assure you that there is nothing clich about the stupid slacker stoner, the guy who is obsessive about watching his weight, the charming ladies man, or the feisty short guy (played once again by Seth Green). And I definitely love the continuity theyve put together for this new Thursday night! Lets have a gay comedy that appeals to 35-year old women right into the show about horny 20-year old guys that could only appeal to 14-year old girls, into a redneck comedy that appeals to unemployed drunk 28-year old men, into a laugh trackless dark comedy based on a British show that only appeals to working people over 30. Oh, and then we can top off the night with our 12-year old hospital drama with a cast of 20 somethings that is targeted to over 50s that doesnt have one original cast member or decent storyline left. Sounds like Must See TV is back in full swing! It kinda makes me long for a marathon of "Rodney" and "George Lopez" in a competing timeslot.
Thats sad. But whats worse is that a hip young comedy about what really happens when a group of 20-year-old guys all live together is exactly what television needs right now. A commentary on the ridiculous filth, the zany antics, the moped girls that are snuck in and out of the house in the middle of the night, the keg stands, the four-day Madden tournaments, the fights over whose turn it is to buy the weed, the never-ending quest to find something edible in the refrigerator that isnt a condiment, the disgusting pube-covered toilet that is beginning to look like a Chia pet. Thats what four 20-something guys living in a house is really like. And that would be a funny and refreshing show. "Four Kings", however, is about four guys doing none of that and living like another batch of :Friends" who wanna be "Seinfelds" and end up sucking worse than "Will and Grace". I cant believe Im gonna say this, but I think Id rather have "Joey" in this slot. God, I feel dirty now.
In honor of Chris Penn, the first question this week is who is your favorite Hollywood sibling? If you say Jerry OConnells brother Charlie OConnell of "Sliders" fame, I will hunt you down and strangle you with a boa constrictor.
Also, is it me or is it absolutely hysterical that America pushes for democracy around the world and then we are pissed when freely elected leaders are the ones we totally hate, like what just happened in Palestine? Im not trying to get all political; I just love the irony in being careful what you wish for.
And finally why does fat-ass Oprah have to take the shit for some book she put in her club? I want her to die a slow death from starvation like building a sim into a room with no doors, not have more reasons to be on my TV. Blaming Oprah is like some kid listening to an Eminem CD, then putting nine inch nails through his eyelids and trying to sue Columbia House. Shouldn't the publisher be responsible for vetting works of non-fiction, not the book clubs they get put in to?
But most importantly the sibling question. Semper Fi!
see me Posted: 2/10/2006by: katsura smith hey napalm, see me totally get owned by my exboyfriends wife on myspace.com/dumpsterslutjean , coming very soon, watch for it pics included. giggles hi Posted: 2/10/2006by: katsura smith youre such a dork! ;p CHRIS PENN Posted: 1/27/2006by: Susan Chris Penn is the best celebrity sibling. Charlie Murphy verrrrry close second its been a long time between postings Posted: 1/27/2006by: sigh but shit napalm....iron eagles 5: hittin air switches almost caused me to do a smash in my pants........
Best Bro Posted: 1/27/2006by: The Mer The man, the myth, the legend - Frank Fricking Stalone.
kevin dillon... Posted: 1/27/2006by: Dave C. is my favorite. And Napalm I would love to see the show you just described get made. THE HUN Posted: 1/27/2006by: Nick Can't say enough good things about The Hun. I give it... 100 points. I'll say Posted: 1/27/2006by: Greg J Eric Roberts wins hands down!! Haven't you ever seen Best of the Best 2? Enough said!!! BITCHES!!! Band of Brothers Posted: 1/27/2006by: Deraj You can't bag on Donnie Wahlberg because he kicked ass in Band of Brothers. Napalm has to appreciate that series.
Doesn't Kevin Bacon have some brothers that are in that shitty band of his . . . oh yeah, it's called the Bacon Brothers. Dipshits. Donnie Posted: 1/27/2006by: Todd the best brother of all is a little known man name: Don Swayze.
You musta thought it was White Boy Day. Since you been standing there its a Wynona with wet breastesses standing next to you waiting fo some cock. Then of course I screw Wynona so hard it fixes Keanus accent for the rest of the movie. Now thats a hot fantasy. 
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Oh, sweet black baby Jesus! I was almost as thrilled to see this movie as I was when I heard about that Weekend at Bernies sequel. There is nothing more exciting in Hollywood than taking a tired, run-down bit and crafting another whole movie around it. These days Martin Lawrence is about as funny as Joey Lawrence, if you ask me. Bringing back his most forgettable character, Big Mamma, is about forty Damn Ginas short of a loaf if you know what Im saying. Ive got two words for Martin- cocaine. It worked for Richard Pryor, George Carlin and countless other funny men. In fact whats the worse thing that could happen? He gets all strung out and tossed in rehab and the world totally forgets about him. At least then there is no place to go but up. He could rebuild his career brick by brick and then dumb assholes nostalgic for more of that zany "You So Crazy" schtick would flock to see movies like this and National Security 2, which Im sure, isnt far behind. Personally I havent like Martin since his picture perfect portrayal of Black urban culture as Bilal in House Party 1 & 2, but thats just me. 
Top Gun meets An Officer And A Gentleman minus all the good parts. Once again Spideys soon-to-be arch-nemesis James Franco pops his wannabe-James Dean head into another thoroughly forgettable role. And I can tell you right now that Tyrese aint no kind of Louis Gossett Jr. In fact, Id have been pissed to see Tyrese in Iron Eagles 5: Hittin Air Switches! But there is one piece of nostalgia worth noting in this rebel-without-a-clue-in-training flop- Jordanna Brewster is the spitting image of Demi Moore in A Few Good Men. You cant handle the truth!, or my man junk! The truth is, Demi can still rock the socks off of most men, so why not have a hot young single version of her making the rounds. Dammit, I love a woman in uniform! Jordanna and Demi are about the only way a Navy officer will ever get me to stand at attention.Though, in fact, I have always believed the Marines was a department of the Navy the Mens Department! I can guarantee you wed be better off if all sailors looked like Jordanna. Its not like its hard work to ride around on a boat all-day and work on your tan. 
Now heres a movie any service man can get in to. Its not some bloodbath sword and sandals flick like it sounds or the next Private Ryan or something, but it is a masterpiece of realistic and deliberate cinema. Director David Mamet is nothing short of a modern storytelling genius and he does no worse here by making the Val Kilmer character we all know and hate from Thunderheart, The Saint and whatever crappy Batman movie he was in actually work in this layered thriller. Given, Vals performance here is no Top Secret or Real Genius, but hes pretty believable as Secret Service agent forced to go rogue to rescue from white slavery some sleazy politician's slutty daughter that everyone would rather see dead. Maybe I just like it because it shows how easily a man can become a merciless killer when Uncle Sam calls, or that there is a line somewhere between following orders and learning to think for yourself. Honestly, its just a damn entertaining way to spend 108 minutes of your life. Its like A Man Apart minus the cheesy "Miami Vice" elements. 
You know, last year NBC said it was searching for the next relatable comedy with believable characters that America could sink its teeth into. That of course lead to Four Kings, a shitcom about four twenty something Jewish dudes who in inherit a sweet ass flat in New York city and sit around figuring out which uber hot chick to bawl from week to week. Oh, and let me assure you that there is nothing clich about the stupid slacker stoner, the guy who is obsessive about watching his weight, the charming ladies man, or the feisty short guy (played once again by Seth Green). And I definitely love the continuity theyve put together for this new Thursday night! Lets have a gay comedy that appeals to 35-year old women right into the show about horny 20-year old guys that could only appeal to 14-year old girls, into a redneck comedy that appeals to unemployed drunk 28-year old men, into a laugh trackless dark comedy based on a British show that only appeals to working people over 30. Oh, and then we can top off the night with our 12-year old hospital drama with a cast of 20 somethings that is targeted to over 50s that doesnt have one original cast member or decent storyline left. Sounds like Must See TV is back in full swing! It kinda makes me long for a marathon of "Rodney" and "George Lopez" in a competing timeslot. 
