I think Kermit The Frog said it best, It aint easy being green. No this isnt like the time after the Seige of Khe Sahn when when I took three tabs of acid in the jungle and went searching for my own rainbow connection- Im actually green today. You see, Molly at the pub has this rule that anyone who is too drunk to leave the bar at closing gets a broom and has to clean up. Then, on a good day, after youre finished sweeping shell force 260 pounds of sloppy, dry, Irish pussy on your face and hopefully give your stupid drunk ass a ride home. Obviously this is not a new story for me, but last night was different. Molly didnt want help cleaning up, she wanted me to figure out how to make the fucking beer green. I wasnt until this morning that I realized trying to dye the Guinness green probably wasnt going to work, but regardless, my idea of siphoning a green dye pack directly into the tap lines with one of those tiny black double barrel drink straws back fired as well. In fact Molly couldnt even sit her crusty, fat slot on my face without laughing at me. So its 0530 in the morning and Im still at the bar with my face covered in green. I have decided not to let this get me down and instead I am going to run with it. I have wrapped myself in a green table cloth, cut my shoes in half, placed them on my knees and I am now walking around the bar doing my best Dorf on Golf as a leprechaun. I can only hope this cheesy gimmick gets me many a free beer today as I prepare to embark on my yearly Boot & Rally St. Patricks Day.
Here is the plan. Mollys opens at 0600. In fact the line is already forming outside. I will start with two shots of Bushmills followed immediately by a two plate serving of corned beef and cabbage. I believe Ill have a glass of Baileys and Milk with that. Then I will have an Irish Car Bomb followed by a raw egg from a shot glass and some warm cole slaw. Two lemon drops, and some Jager should just about complete phase one before 0700. That is of course the moment when I shuffle my dirty leprechaun kness to the nearest Kohler and beg mercy from that porcelain God. The Boot Phase is absolutely crucial to the process; especially for phase two to take hold. It is important to leave just the right amount of chunky pink slobber hanging from my chin when I re-enter the bar. Without fail that usually prompts the loudest, drunkest Irishman to insist that I get back in the game or else I will be driven into the street and beaten like the black snakes that St. Patrick himself drove out of Ireland. Of course I really think that is a metaphor for the genocide of the Moors in Ireland (AKA lets kill the black people), but thats just a guess that neednt come into play on such a glorious day of pointless celebration.
With free cocktails in hand it is time for the Rally Phase. The key to this is proclaiming to the whole bar If they can pour it I can drink it! This challenge will keep the drinks coming for at least the next few hours. And that fact that I have already cleared my stomach of unnecessary items like food and liquid leaves me plenty of room to imbibe any type of concoction. Flaming Dr. Pepper? Thank you sir, may I have another? Bloody Brain? Sure, and feel free to hock a lugie in there if you really want to challenge me. SoCo and whipped cream. Thats like licking the filling out of a cupcake. And of course lots of Jameson and Bush Mills as I pretend to know the lyrics to "Danny Boy" and "Jump Around". All a part of my plan to hurl a Bishop from Aliens like milky mist of liquor and bile directly on to the lap of the Asian guy next to me that thinks he should get a free beer because he remembered to wear that one sleeveless green sweater he owns today. The public spray of affection will only rally the sons of Ireland to my call as I climb on top of the bar and begin to sing "Sunday Bloody Sunday" while dancing a jig on my leprechaun kness and slipping in my own puke. That should hopefully get me through until 1300 when it will be time for a second helping of corned beef and cabbage. At that point I can start my Boot and Rally all over again. Three or four cycles of this as the drunken faces of the Irish for today faces change should make for another successful St. Pattys day.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
At first I loved it. A new twist on the masked vigilante striking out in the name of justice on behalf of the people. Hugo Weaving doing his best Zorro The Gay Blade crossed with one of the toys from Puppet Master. And of course hes our hero. He saves Natalie Portman from the Nazi like government that has hijacked the world. Surely I have to thank our hero V for that. I mean Ive wanted to bang The rich mans Kiera Knightly since the first time I saw her pick up a gun in The Professional. Fuck the fact that she was twelve. Little girls with guns are hot. Then that little white number and the blaster in Star Wars Episode 1 and her almost nude scene in Closer, just pretty much sealed the deal. My computer desktop of her nude beach paparazzi photos will never go back to being the January 03 cover of Petersens Handguns magazines. So thanks for saving our girl, Mr. freaky masked vigilante that is not supposed to remind me of Batman regardless of his caped roof hopping. When I left the theater I applauded the Wachowski brothers for having not only given the world the Matrix and more importantly a hot lesbian scene in Bound, but now producing a relatively topical comic book movie that doesnt have the do-gooder cheese of Spiderman or the upcoming Superman flick. But wait. There is this slightly discolored taste forming in my mouth.
What could it be? Might it be the Orwellian 1984 world that this takes place in that can only lead to bad movie making like The Isalnd? Might it be the none-to-subtle attempt to make the bad government look like a bunch of Nazis? Could it be the fact that Natalie Portman has a weird knot oo the left side of her head and doesnt look nearly as good bald as this seasons contestants on "Americas Next Top Model"? Nope. Its that lead character. After thinking about it closer, hes not a vigilante at all. Hes a motherfucking terrorist! Hes Osama Fucking Bin Goddamn Laden! And the Nazi-esque baddies are clearly a representation of the American politics in a post 9/11 world. So we are the fucking bad guys? What kind of lefty commie bullshit is this? This whole movie is propaganda for the very same enemy our boys are out there fighting right now. Our hero Vs idea is that the corrupt infidels can not just be stopped, it is worth anything to eradicate their whole system and way of life at any cost. Hes the one that wants to blow shit up. Sure he says hes doing it for the people, but terrorists say they are blowing shit up for God half of the time.
Maybe I have taken it to far, but somehow I know Fox News is running a piece right now that would agree with me. If you peel back the layers of this popcorn comic book action flick there is a deeper message that clearly says, fuck you America, but thank you for your ten dollar donation to Hamas. I couldnt watch "Beavis and Butthead" back in the day because I couldnt stomach a show that was insulting me for being a person who would watch the show, and it pisses me off here too. But if I could undo the subversive message and go back to the feeling of having just seen a well done action thriller, then I could just say go see the awesome movie instead of add Andy and Larry Wachowski to your terrorist sympathizer watch list.
Who the fuck was Saint Patrick and why am I getting totally shit faced on his behalf. Is this holiday for real or did Guinness invent it the way Hallmark invented Sweetest Day? Also I am curious to know if V For Vendetta will bother you now that you know there is a very anti American Government message at the root of the story.
Dave C. Posted: 3/19/2006by: The Living Tribunal Dave C. I guess you have a point there, but I AM The Living Tribunal, so you have to understand that I am not to be argued with. I wanna send a big shout out Victor French. wha. . . Posted: 3/18/2006by: matt me hungover but I do know these two things to be true. Natalie Portman is quite bonable and that I am a sucker for bullshut rip offs of 1984. Portman Posted: 3/18/2006by: Charlie Portman really failed to live up the hot potential she showed in The Professional and Beautiful Girls. But she's still cute- much more the kind of girl you'd date as opposed to the kind of woman you'd imagine while rubbing one out.
Either way, I'm not Napalm, but thanks for the compliment. The living tribunal Posted: 3/18/2006by: Dave C. You're surprised that Napalm finds Natalie Portman attractive?? Have you read his columns? The man could get a hard on watching a nun pick out her wedgie. C'mon Jones! Posted: 3/18/2006by: The Living Tribunal Natalie Portman has about as much sex appeal as a ball peen hammer. She could'nt even fake it in "Closer". Charl...er...Napalm- don't tell me that this milquetoast twig of a woman does it for you. St. Patrick Posted: 3/17/2006by: CollegeBoy The Legend is that St. Patrick drove all of the serpents and snakes out of Ireland.
V for Vagina will be a much better movie when it comes out. I am so bored Posted: 3/17/2006by: Christine and lonely. . . . and sober. .. .I don't own anything green to wear tonight. Blattattblatblattat Posted: 3/17/2006by: Napalm Jones kwistine, thwanks forra licking, um I mean, hiccup, liking my coshtume. Summa one shaid dat I look wike Leprechaun in da tha Hood so I smushed in hizza front teefs with, belch, da botthom offa my pint glassh. Iva hadda kupple or tree dranks. Ish jush ab bout time fa me to shtart a fwesh Boot & Rally.....Blrrrrrrggghhhh! Um, frothy green beer vrommit. cough... hack.
Slempre Frye! Boondock Posted: 3/17/2006by: KO Fuck...Ass! Deuce, great call on the Saints-would love to read Napalm's review of that flcik, even Post-Paddy's. Shepherds we will be... v for vendetta Posted: 3/17/2006by: deuce anti american or not - as soon as the trailer began with the asshole voice: "from the producers who brought you the matrix trilogy..." i changed the channel. fuck the matrix. natalie portman is quite bonable and might be worth the 10 spot.
"yeah, it's st. patty's day, everyone's irish tonight. why don't you just pull up a stool and have a drink with us?" -murphy macmanus
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
At first I loved it. A new twist on the masked vigilante striking out in the name of justice on behalf of the people. Hugo Weaving doing his best Zorro The Gay Blade crossed with one of the toys from Puppet Master. And of course hes our hero. He saves Natalie Portman from the Nazi like government that has hijacked the world. Surely I have to thank our hero V for that. I mean Ive wanted to bang The rich mans Kiera Knightly since the first time I saw her pick up a gun in The Professional. Fuck the fact that she was twelve. Little girls with guns are hot. Then that little white number and the blaster in Star Wars Episode 1 and her almost nude scene in Closer, just pretty much sealed the deal. My computer desktop of her nude beach paparazzi photos will never go back to being the January 03 cover of Petersens Handguns magazines. So thanks for saving our girl, Mr. freaky masked vigilante that is not supposed to remind me of Batman regardless of his caped roof hopping. When I left the theater I applauded the Wachowski brothers for having not only given the world the Matrix and more importantly a hot lesbian scene in Bound, but now producing a relatively topical comic book movie that doesnt have the do-gooder cheese of Spiderman or the upcoming Superman flick. But wait. There is this slightly discolored taste forming in my mouth.
What could it be? Might it be the Orwellian 1984 world that this takes place in that can only lead to bad movie making like The Isalnd? Might it be the none-to-subtle attempt to make the bad government look like a bunch of Nazis? Could it be the fact that Natalie Portman has a weird knot oo the left side of her head and doesnt look nearly as good bald as this seasons contestants on "Americas Next Top Model"? Nope. Its that lead character. After thinking about it closer, hes not a vigilante at all. Hes a motherfucking terrorist! Hes Osama Fucking Bin Goddamn Laden! And the Nazi-esque baddies are clearly a representation of the American politics in a post 9/11 world. So we are the fucking bad guys? What kind of lefty commie bullshit is this? This whole movie is propaganda for the very same enemy our boys are out there fighting right now. Our hero Vs idea is that the corrupt infidels can not just be stopped, it is worth anything to eradicate their whole system and way of life at any cost. Hes the one that wants to blow shit up. Sure he says hes doing it for the people, but terrorists say they are blowing shit up for God half of the time. 
Maybe I have taken it to far, but somehow I know Fox News is running a piece right now that would agree with me. If you peel back the layers of this popcorn comic book action flick there is a deeper message that clearly says, fuck you America, but thank you for your ten dollar donation to Hamas. I couldnt watch "Beavis and Butthead" back in the day because I couldnt stomach a show that was insulting me for being a person who would watch the show, and it pisses me off here too. But if I could undo the subversive message and go back to the feeling of having just seen a well done action thriller, then I could just say go see the awesome movie instead of add Andy and Larry Wachowski to your terrorist sympathizer watch list. 
