Jews make better Christians. A fact that was made all too apparent by Mad Maxs post Apocalypto fuck up. Even after drinking tequila like a Tijuana stripper getting ready for the 10:30 donkey show, then spewing anti-semitic rhetoric through out the Malibu hills when he was pulled over for erratic driving, the most prominent rabbi to the stars, David Baron, has invited Maverick to come speak at Temple on Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. Thats like Farrakhan inviting David Duke to speak at the Million-Man March isnt it? Its mighty white of you to invite me here, Louis. Even Disney exec Oren Aviv forgave Mel and only partially fired him. Oh wait, maybe thats just because they have 10s of millions invested in Mr. Bravehearts next movie where no one speaks English, and were sinking millions into his Holocaust-related MOW for ABC that didnt even have a script yet.
But that doesnt mean that Jewish people are greedy or overly concerned with money. Maybe Mel wanted to write out the supposed holocaust on advice from his dad. Ari Emanuel (the real life Ari from "Entourage") over at Endeavor Talent Agency has called for an industry-wide boycott of Mel. Which I guess makes sense since he stands to make no money from the Mel-O-drama, while several other agencies will lose millions if The Bird On A Wire star falls from grace. Proving his Christian nature by not coveting what his competitors have and instead just trying to destroy it. What would Jesus do? Hopefully laugh hysterically at the whole fucking thing while getting drunk himself and reminding Mel that even Jesus was a Jew.
But Im honestly surprised Mel-gate has turned in to some kind of international news force. I think Gibsons real slight to Jews is that people are talking about this instead of that little skirmish going on with Hezbollah. Maybe its just me, but hearing some drunk spew racially insensitive garbage barely registers in my opinion. If everyone had a virgin in the afterlife for every time I had to bludgeon some drunk redneck with my Leatherman for talking about how niggers caused the drug problem in America, or how dirty wetback beener spics were the reason for outsourcing, or how he got jewed out of buying the last round of drinks, then there would be no suicide bombings.
Its not a big story when Jimmy Joe Jim screams, we should just nuke all them camel jockeys and hook noses after drinking Wild Turkey for nine hours straight. But I guess it would get him fired too, if he did it at work instead of at the Barneys Five Hog Saloon happy hour in Mobile, AL. And sadly for Hollywood actors, we are the ones that pay their salaries when we purchase their products. And in many cases, but not all, the decision of how much of that money the actor will receive is made by someone Jewish. Its not my fault that celebrities are allowed no private life. But basically, Riggs fucked up on the job by bitching about his bosses. So hes fired.
However, I firmly believe that racism is what America is built on. No, seriously. Black slaves built the agricultural business of the south, the sweat and blood of Irish immigrants trailblazed and built the cities of the Midwest, and the Chinese literally got blown to bits building the fucking railroads in the West. Our tradition of racism and exploitation is phenomenal. So I can understand Mel being a little ticked by Jewish people taking advantage of Aussies to build Hollywood like some modern-day pyramid. But damnit weve all been there at some point, so Im sure Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, and all the Hobbit stand-ins will get over it eventually. One day Hugh Jackman will be SAG president, then all Down Undies will be accepted in Hollywood as overpaid whiny racist face whores just like everyone else in that town and never be Cruise-ified again. Probably around the same time Barack Obama gets a chance to run for Vice President. Boy, wont that just make everything better.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Some people just love to see themselves made fun of. How else could you explain the fact that rednecks the world round are gonna love this fucking movie. Id say it didnt surprise me if I found out that Bryant Gumble loved Anchorman, or that midgets loved Elf, or that alcoholic man-babies love Old School. Wait, that last one is true. Strike that. But something about Will Ferrell poking fun at you or anyone else just works. And a hell of a lot better than Larry The Cable Gay. As long as Ferrell doesnt make some ridiculous Pauly Shore-esque In The Army Now-type movie called Battle Cry: The Life Of Napalm Jones, Im fine with him making a mockery out of whoever he likes.
I know this is gonna sound ridiculous, but some how he brings heart to even the stupidest fucking caricature of a part. You start to believe that even in the middle of a total farce with unison dance routines, cars crashing into houses, and inane chatter about what goes better with peanut butter, jelly or ladies, that there are people who really should love and care about NASCAR.
Um, strike that too. Thats just stupid. NASCAR sucks. I like guns. I like trucks. I like corn-fed girls in cutoff shorts. I even like to listen to Mark Chesnutt on occasion, but I draw the line at watching men making a living by going in circles more than The Friends Of Distinction. Make a right, you boring fucks. And I dont just hate car racing either. Any track event over 400 meters is silly, unless you like watching Somalians run like we just air-dropped another bag of rice and Hersheys bars. Distance speed skating? Fuck you, Apollo Yoko Ohno. Get a job and shave that crooked soul patch, moron. Merry go rounds, Sit N Spin, Ring Around the Rosie, hoola hoops: All pointless. And yet, I laughed at this fucking movie, even against every urge in my body to go out and find some ass clown who loves jazz flute now because of Anchorman or fashions a race suit from Wonder Bread bags after seeing this, and bite his trachea from his throat with George Washingtons rotting wooden dentures from the Smithsonian.
I will be the first to say, I fucking hated Will Ferrell on SNL. And when I say hate, I mean that Brad Hall kind of hate. To me, watching Ferrell was like watching John Belushi, Chevy Chase and Chris Farley if no one had ever discovered cocaine. It was like shaving my taint with a dull carrot peeler. It was like having sex with Maria Schriver. I just couldnt stand it. But now, for some odd reason, I kinda like the guy. He makes me laugh the same way I laugh at parachute accidents in those Faces Of Death movies. It hurts, but its still funny.
And the movie itself is pretty good. The cast is perfect. Especially Sascha Baron Cohen, warming up for his upcoming Borat movie with yet another ridiculous accent and characterization of foreign people- this time, a highbrow French Formula Un racer who destroys Ricky Bobbys marriage to a gold digger and his dreams of staying at the top of the sport (Note the quotations around sport). With only his two sons Walker and Texas Ranger, and his dad (played by Office Space and Babylon 5: Crusade alum Gary Cole) left by his side, Ricky has to get his mojo back.
Pretty much how most Will Ferrell movies go, except this time hes got a wild cougar on the passenger side and drugs under the seat to help teach him how to drive fast again. Might sound stupid, but I laughed. And for those who care, the NASCAR shit is every bit as good as Days Of Thunder. If thats saying anything. As a farce comedy, this is about as good as youll get this summer until Broken Lizards Beerfest hits theaters at the end of August.
Id love to tell jokes about George Bush standing on top of the rubble like he just won the worlds biggest game of King of The Hill or make comparisons of trapped desperation to that movie Alive where the soccer team has to eat each other to live, but that just wouldnt be funny. The only mean spirited thing I have to say is that Nic Cages crumb-catcher looks like it was made from the crap I pulled out off the elbow screen in my kitchen sink last week. Unlike United 93 this true story actually makes for good film. And Ollie Stone pulls off his most heartfelt statement since Born On The Fourth Of July. Absent are the good-time cocaine induced frivolities of Wall Street and the fictional theories passing as facts from JFK and thankfully, Jamie Foxx doesnt reprise his Any Given Sunday character. Proving that when Oliver Stone is forced to just tell a story without any frills, the end product will typically yield Platoon like results instead of Natural Born Killers kitsch.
The movie very literally followers a group of NYPA (New York Port Authority) cops as they journey headlong into the fire, the very place that everyone else was running away from. You cant deny the drama of men trying desperately to save lives while putting their own at risk. Its the kind of thing that actually gives you faith in the world and other people living in it. Even a cynical old bastard like me gets choked up knowing that these guys will be buried alive under the rubble praying that they might somehow be saved as a reward for trying to do some good.
But the thing that truly resonates with me in this film is Staff Sgt. Dave Karnes, USMC. This badass motherfucker did what every single one of us should have done. He walked out of his civilian job, put on his goddamned uniform, sheathed his K-bar, found a barber that would cut his civie hair high and tight, drove his green ass from Connecticut to Ground Zero and started digging through the rubble looking for survivors. Other than his brave efforts that day, which Ill leave for you to see in the film, Staff Sgt. Karnes continued to lead search and rescue ops at ground zero for days. He re-enlisted shortly after 9/11 so he could continue to help in an official capacity. Now thats a hero, a guy who went above and beyond his duty. When it absolutely cant be done by a mere mortal, call a fucking Marine!
Hollywood should take example of this movie as the way to truly canonize our national heroes. Dont throw together some hacky, shaky camera re-enactment worthy of Americas Most Wanted like United 93 did. Give us a real budget, with a real director, a goddamned star, and a crew of people dedicated to informing the audience with the conventions that make us love movies in the first place. Our fucking heroes deserve it. They risk their lives for us. The least we can do is make an entertaining movie that tells their story and not get all wrapped up in the cool CG tracking shot of a bomb plummeting to earth like Pearl Harbor or hackery passing as art like 93.
And you dont have to take my word for it either. How about Brent Bozell, a guy who is so conservative youd swear he had an elephant wearing a rosary stuck up his ass, calling an Oliver Stones movie a fucking masterpiece. Thats like Michael Moore going on a fishing cruise with Charlton Heston. Thats more unlikely than Tom Cruise popping Paxils. Thats like saying the "Rock Star: Supernova" band will actually be good. Newsted and Tommy Lee will be lucky if they can still keep a beat, and I dont even know who that fourth guy is. Whats he do, string guitars and hold Tommys 30-lb cock so he doesnt strain his back. I think their asses should be competing against the house band to see if they should even be allowed on stage with the Carmenless Navarro.
Regardless, Ollie is the last filmmaker I would expect to get people to cross the aisle at theater or in a House session. But lo and behold he has created the first poignant and cinema worthy film about the tragedy of 9/11 that isn't a documentary. As difficult as it may be to relive, every American should absolutely want to see this film when it opens next week. Too soon is for whiny chicks that dont like when I blow my nut three seconds after I hit those warm soft meat folds. Dealing with our emotions about a tragic moment in our history cant come soon enough.
Congratulations go out to phriend of the Phree Johnny Five for his pending nuptials next week. Well send you some Neosporin to doctor the wounds youll carry for the rest of your life from lugging around that ball and chain, sucker.
Also congrats to TPP writer Chad Zumock on meeting his idle (and yes I spelled it that way on purpose) Anthony Keidis this week. When asked about what meeting Chad was like, Keidis replied cheerfully, Dibba dang ba ding a ding dong. Flea could not be reached for translation.
1. After suffering through Superman, My Super Ex Girlfriend, and Stan Lees pension bonus, Who Wants To Be A Superhero? on Sci-fi, I started wondering what awesome super power could I have that would get me my own shitty movie or reality show. If you could have a superpower what would it be? I was thinking that the bushy long hair on my knuckles would be like insect tentacles that could sense things and even read fingerprints on objects. At least then Id have an excuse not to shave them.
2. Caption This.
3. Holy fuck! Speaking of superheroes and Hollywood persecuting the Aussies, Warner Brothers has just virtually crucified Heath Ledger by making him The Joker in the next caped crusader flick, Batman: The Dark Knight. Its hard to think of anyone that could fill Jack You Cant Handle The Truth Nicholsons shoes, but there had to be someone better than Casanova. Jesus, didnt they see Brothers Grimm, Four Feathers, or The Order? Oh, I guess no one did who wasnt forced to for their job, like me. But, who would you put in the part of the clown prince of calamity and why?
Dear Tom A and deuce, if those are in fact your real names, I have filled your order for more random rack on The Phat Phree. Now drop and give me twenty, bitches.
Preach On, Brother!! Posted: 8/7/2006by: Tangent Guy I've got an "amen" for all of your takes (although I'm not a Farrell Dude or a NeckCar Dude, so I'll pass on "Talladega"). One more southern neck isn't really news.
1. The ability to help morons and extremists on both ends of the political spectrum gain intelligence and see the truth would be pretty cool (lotta work to do, though).
2. At the last minute, Bubba finally came up with a prom date.
3. Tera Patrick - duh! better late than never.. Posted: 8/7/2006by: deuce 1st of all, to affirm joe kickass' statement - best in a while.. which is saying something. (esp. the line regarding "forever young's" anti-semitic rant trumping what is actually happening in israel in the news- is disgusting)
2nd - thanks for the shoutout & and the rack. i would totally motorboat it.
two great reviews for two seemingly great movies. thanks.
Q&A 1. pointing my finger like a pistol (both hands) and having it make the gunshot sound effect.. no bullets coming out.. just the sound. it'd really freak people out, and would be great on the golf course. 2. "you ever shot a deer this big? i don't think so, fuckface. take the picture." 3. vince vaughan - i have not and will not see swingers. but i like his other stuff (besides that man chowder of a movie he made with his girlfriend last month) Aussie ??? Posted: 8/6/2006by: Glenn Mel was born in the states and made his way down under when he was 12. And Russell Crowe is from New Zealand.
you have it reversed Posted: 8/5/2006by: c Ferrell was hilarious on SNL for several years and now he's just amiably coasting. I guess some people like amiable better than funny. PS Posted: 8/4/2006by: Napalm Jones Sidaris retrospective is still in the works, but I'm trying to decide if I want to include the later films that were helmed by his sons Drew and Christian Sidaris, who by the way are actually only one person. Funny Posted: 8/4/2006by: J-Rock I got the joke in the title. Not nearly as funny as mentioning that do-wop group Friends of Distinction in reference to Nascar, or the "too soon" thing, or the comparison to Alive. Funny stuff.
1. I would be able to turn my bad breath on and off so when annoying people get in my face I could just close-talk them with my simple chronic halitosis. I would simply be known as dragon.
2. "Sorry Mr. Grandwizard. I got confused when you said to treat them like animals."
3. I say let Luke Skywalker give it a shot since he did the voice on the Batman cartoon. He's had enough plastic surgery since that car wreck to look freakish enough. Brattattatatta! Posted: 8/4/2006by: Napalm Jones I hate to even acknowledge this, but I would hate for some new reader to come to the site and think that I was the idiot. The article's title is purposely a play on words. I very intentional used the word semantics which in this case is meant to mean "the language used (as in advertising or political propaganda) to achieve a desired effect on an audience especially through the use of words with novel or dual meanings". I appologize if that title was a little over the heads of some, but even though I don't have no college learning, my first D.I. taught me to always use what the good Lord gave me to my advantage. In this case God gave me a fucking dictionary. Sympatico Posted: 8/4/2006by: Dave Amiott Glad to see I'm not the only who will freely acknowledge their contempt for Will Ferrell. I never would have shelled out the admission price for "Anchorman" if he hadn't filled it with people I love (Rudd, Carell, Koechner, Willard, Parnell, Vaughn, Seth Fucking Rogen and Paul Goddamned F. Thompkins). Keep the hate flowing and someday we'll sink this bitch. Someone on rec.arts.comics.dc.universe posted a picture of Crispin Glover grinning insanely that convinved me he'd make a good Joker. I wonder if they'll adapt any of the story from "Batman: The Killing Joke" for this one... DAVE Still waiting on that Andy Sidaris retrospective World trade centre Posted: 8/4/2006by: sam I thought this movie was supposed to be a comedy. What a waste of twelve bucks, this movie is about as fake as the holocaust. mel gibson Posted: 8/4/2006by: sam Lets be serious for a second. Being shocked when an australian gets drunk and starts acting racist is like being suprised when the sun rises in the morning.
But that doesnt mean that Jewish people are greedy or overly concerned with money. Maybe Mel wanted to write out the supposed holocaust on advice from his dad. Ari Emanuel (the real life Ari from "Entourage") over at Endeavor Talent Agency has called for an industry-wide boycott of Mel. Which I guess makes sense since he stands to make no money from the Mel-O-drama, while several other agencies will lose millions if The Bird On A Wire star falls from grace. Proving his Christian nature by not coveting what his competitors have and instead just trying to destroy it. What would Jesus do? Hopefully laugh hysterically at the whole fucking thing while getting drunk himself and reminding Mel that even Jesus was a Jew.
But Im honestly surprised Mel-gate has turned in to some kind of international news force. I think Gibsons real slight to Jews is that people are talking about this instead of that little skirmish going on with Hezbollah. Maybe its just me, but hearing some drunk spew racially insensitive garbage barely registers in my opinion. If everyone had a virgin in the afterlife for every time I had to bludgeon some drunk redneck with my Leatherman for talking about how niggers caused the drug problem in America, or how dirty wetback beener spics were the reason for outsourcing, or how he got jewed out of buying the last round of drinks, then there would be no suicide bombings. 
However, I firmly believe that racism is what America is built on. No, seriously. Black slaves built the agricultural business of the south, the sweat and blood of Irish immigrants trailblazed and built the cities of the Midwest, and the Chinese literally got blown to bits building the fucking railroads in the West. Our tradition of racism and exploitation is phenomenal. So I can understand Mel being a little ticked by Jewish people taking advantage of Aussies to build Hollywood like some modern-day pyramid. But damnit weve all been there at some point, so Im sure Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, and all the Hobbit stand-ins will get over it eventually. One day Hugh Jackman will be SAG president, then all Down Undies will be accepted in Hollywood as overpaid whiny racist face whores just like everyone else in that town and never be Cruise-ified again. Probably around the same time Barack Obama gets a chance to run for Vice President. Boy, wont that just make everything better.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Some people just love to see themselves made fun of. How else could you explain the fact that rednecks the world round are gonna love this fucking movie. Id say it didnt surprise me if I found out that Bryant Gumble loved Anchorman, or that midgets loved Elf, or that alcoholic man-babies love Old School. Wait, that last one is true. Strike that. But something about Will Ferrell poking fun at you or anyone else just works. And a hell of a lot better than Larry The Cable Gay. As long as Ferrell doesnt make some ridiculous Pauly Shore-esque In The Army Now-type movie called Battle Cry: The Life Of Napalm Jones, Im fine with him making a mockery out of whoever he likes.
Id love to tell jokes about George Bush standing on top of the rubble like he just won the worlds biggest game of King of The Hill or make comparisons of trapped desperation to that movie Alive where the soccer team has to eat each other to live, but that just wouldnt be funny. The only mean spirited thing I have to say is that Nic Cages crumb-catcher looks like it was made from the crap I pulled out off the elbow screen in my kitchen sink last week. Unlike United 93 this true story actually makes for good film. And Ollie Stone pulls off his most heartfelt statement since Born On The Fourth Of July. Absent are the good-time cocaine induced frivolities of Wall Street and the fictional theories passing as facts from JFK and thankfully, Jamie Foxx doesnt reprise his Any Given Sunday character. Proving that when Oliver Stone is forced to just tell a story without any frills, the end product will typically yield Platoon like results instead of Natural Born Killers kitsch.
