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Summer is almost over, and that means two things: Football and Back-to-School Sales. The former we will cover very soon, but the latter is the subject of this month's top 50 list. Cue wild applause.
Nothing says "back to school" like the malty-musk aroma of cheap beer and semen-stained, cinder block furniture. Bright-eyed young adults around the country are excitedly heading back for another year of awkward sex and binge drinking, and we are here to help make this year a little more humiliating with these 50 Ways To Ruin a Frat Party. Be sure to send us photos of the aftermath.
50. Smear your naked body in Vaseline, and then, in front of the crowd, tell the fraternity president that you have done everything he asked, and are ready for his "personal initiation.â€
49. While manning the keg, tell your fraternity brothers, one by one as you’re filling up their beer, that you “kinda like them as more than a friend.â€
48. Leak a fake news story that all the Natural Light and Pabst Blue Ribbon has been recalled due to possible "tampering.â€
47. Bet one of the drunk brothers $100 that he can’t wrestle some random dude’s clothes off.
46. Wear shorts and then dance around the house secretly pissing on people’s legs. When they turn around, act like you spilled your beer.
45. Replace all the condoms in the house with Magnums. Then watch at the end of the night as all the girls walk out of the rooms laughing.
44. Steal the house mascot lamb and sell it to the gyro vendor on the corner.
43. Invite the women’s basketball team.
42. Apologize to the crowd and tell them that you’ve had to cancel the donkey show, because the donkey arrived dead on arrival. However, you hate to waste a good whore, so instead you’re borrowing your friend’s pet, and the hermit crab show will begin in twenty minutes.
41. Put a human head in the refrigerator.
40. Play porn videos in each bathroom at full volume with the doors locked all night.
39. Two words: Sui. Cide.
38. Steal all the men on the Foosball table.
37. Start an argument about which is better: Old School or Animal House
36. Persuade the Theta Ki sisters to pull out their penises.
35. Run frantically into the party and shout, “Someone is outside keying a Jeep Wrangler!â€
34. Make anonymous phone calls to homes of all the high school girls’ parents informing them that their daughter is drinking and having sex at the house. Watch as the angry fathers storm in looking for their little girls.
33. Whenever you spot a guy macking on a hot girl, walk up to her and whisper in her ear that you have had sex with the guy, and he is fantastic in the sack.
32. Walk around with your dick stuck in a ball of ground meat and if anyone asks, insist that you are “Rushingâ€.
31. When "Sweet Caroline" inevitably plays, go "BAH BAH BAH!" one measure early every time, then keep swearing and cursing and hitting yourself through where it's supposed to go.
30. Be sure to steer every conversation to how much you hate Will Ferrell.
29. Bring a copy of last year’s Now That’s What I Call Music! and swap it with this year's edition in the CD player.
28. Make a label that says "NEW Axe Body Spray: Wild Musk" place it on a spray bottle of fox piss, and leave it in the living room.
27. Place a sign on the wall that says, “There have been 0 days since a work stoppage due to a pledge dying of alcohol poisoning.â€
26. Whiskey-dick measuring contest.
25. Tell everyone Dave Chapelle died.
24. Walk around with no pants and a “My Friend Flicka†butt plug in your ass. When people ask why, tell them that “America just needs to believe in ol’ He-biscuit.â€
23. Print out crude and disturbing pictures from the internet of animals being abused and stick them on the fridge. Tell everyone it’s from last weekends “Charity Picnicâ€, when brothers Stu and Moose got bored.
22. Claim to be pre-med and quietly whisper into every girl's ear who's being hit on by a brother at the party that you "interned at the campus med center and he came in complaining of a creamy yellow discharge in his sheets". 21. Actually throw a punch when one of the brothers tries to pick a fight by thrusting out his chest, pushing and shouting at you.
20. Every time someone quotes Old School, Office Space, Napoleon Dynamite, or Wedding Crashers, punch them in the fucking mouth.
19. Whenever you give a girl a cup of beer, warn her that there "might be piss" in her drink. When she looks at you confused, nod knowingly and walk away.
18. Ask all the guys at the party if they want to learn the secret handshake. If they say yes, gently cup their balls, close your eyes, and move toward them for an open-mouth kiss.
17. Print out the grades of the brothers and place them on the wall .
16. Buy a bag of black, heavy-duty, 100% cotton Hanes T-shirts for the annual Wet T-Shirt Contest.
15. Set bass to -9 on stereo. Set treble to +9. Set fade to all the way left. Break off knobs.
14. Perform the "upperdecker"- pooping in the tank. It's always a crowd pleaser.
13. Hang nude pin-ups of the Golden Girls over every bed, couch, and any flooring with carpet. Also laminate a few and put them in the bathroom and in the kitchen.
12. Invite the cast of “Murderballâ€, and tell them the keg is on the second floor.
11. Tell people that your last party was even crazier, and ask if they want to see the video you made. Then show them party footage edited together with Faces of Death. When people ask who got eaten by the crocodile, just say you “don’t want to dwell on thatâ€.
10. Be black. Attend Fraternity party.
9. Secretly replace all Red Bulls with piss. Not only will this sap the energy from the party, but no one will be able to taste the difference.
8. Ask a brother who is in the midst of making out with one of the "sisters" what your DNA tastes like, because the same wasted girl blew you ten minutes ago upstairs. Tell "Snowball" to look on the bright side: he has a new nickname, and there is no way he can get pregnant that way.
7. Get a police outfit, then take a woman with a fake black eye to the party. Walk around from man to man in the party asking the woman, "Is this the guy?" as she sobs.
6. Make Jell-o shots for the ladies, and place an unbroken and rather scary-looking pill in each one. Insist that there is no pill in there and that they should just "down it!" 5. Run in and scream, “Fuck man, the Dave Matthews Band broke up!â€
4. When a girl asks if you know how to make a White Russian, say “sureâ€, and make one for her. Half an hour later, go up to her, embarrassed, and ask her if you were supposed to masturbate into it once or twice. You never can remember your mixed drinks.
3. Brutally harass a group of hopeless but determined nerds all semester, then challenge them to some sort of competition. Use your hot cheerleader girlfriends as bait for an elaborate big prank that will leave them humiliated and desperate for revenge. When the day of the big competition arrives, arrogantly assume that the nerds don't stand a chance. Then standby and prepare scream, "I hate nerds!" as the victorious doofuses are celebrating their victory by banging your best girl.
2. Drop pants near keg. Do a handstand and put the tap up your ass. Start pouring while enthusiastically counting off.
1. Invite Girls
Got any we missed? Add them below.
List created by Steve Kiley, Gabe Uhr, Justin Harvey, Mike Hagges, Charlie DeMarco, M. Thomas L., Mike Polk, Scott Hofman, Chad Zumock, Mike Martone, Jim Fath, Jesse Lamovsky, Tommy Delirio, Joe Nash, Mindy Raf, Alex Blagg, Dan Donnatelli, Jordan Likover, Ben Lambert, and the rest of the staff. Compiled and edited by: Charlie DeMarco
Put a sign above room that you and the brothers will be frequently going in and out of(probably to do blow). The sign should say Viper Room. Then somewhere in the middle of the party put a sign that said says Pics From Inside the Viper Room. Underneath that put a bunch of hardcore gay porn you printed off the net. It is as funny in real life at is in theory.
albanian guy
Oldie but a Goodie
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Posted: 8/22/2005 10:57:07 AM
Tlak as much shit as you can to every "brother you see". When one of the drunken douche bags finally does something quickly light a stick of dynamite. Wave it around you wildly staring people in the face. Look back at the original shit talker and tell him quote," I got all the time in the world." Grabbing one their girlfriends and kissing her against her will is optional.
Wear a plastic garbage bag the whole night. WHen it hit midnight pull you arms and legs in side and start to writhe around. Then pop up ripping the bag off showing your naken, slime covered body. Insist it is your birthday and you need cocaine as a birthday present. Using real afterbirth is optional, as well is making out with someones girlfriend against her will.....no one will touch you.
deuce
bring a skateboard
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Posted: 8/22/2005 11:33:48 AM
to the dance floor of said frat party... olliies, kick flips, and boardslides across the "sofas" are encouraged (particularly if a brother happens to share one with a ladyfriend).. those in "shirts" (striped or lacoste/polo) will commence a pounding to your said face.
matt
forgot one
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Posted: 8/22/2005 11:38:57 AM
Yeah it's low-icome housing but it works:
Gang shit in a tositos bag and when "put in your mouth plays" wait about 30 seconds until just about everyone is on the dance floor. Toss said Tostitos bag into the corwd. Wait. . .wait. . .run.
Go Duke Dogs!!!
p.s. frats suck, thanks for the free beer.
MH
WHAAAAT???
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Posted: 8/22/2005 11:58:24 AM
I was looking forward to this one for a while. Nowhere near the calibre of past top 50's. I'd have rather done work than read this.
Mike
Brilliant
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Posted: 8/22/2005 12:04:42 PM
As an ex-frat boy you'd think I'd be offended by this list but I think this was one of the greatest articles ever done on this website. Chances are we've tried half of these
When girls leave their coats and/or purses in a "coat room", go through their stuff and put all cameras and cell phones they bring in the microwave for a few seconds.....hilarity ensues (true story)
tom jonas
what's on the grill?
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Posted: 8/22/2005 12:12:34 PM
in the early parts of the evening, hang around the grill and make disparaging comments...."hey, what ya;ll cooking? take big whiff. "smells like man-meat." tu-tu and fruity beverage optional.
The Man
Lame List
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Posted: 8/22/2005 12:30:16 PM
This was a shitty Top 50 list. Clearly those of you that wrote this weren't in fraternities. How many times were you going to reference pissing into something? #12 & #14 were probably the best.
albanian guy
The Man
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Posted: 8/22/2005 12:55:44 PM
God you are such a dickhead to write in a critique like that. Write some of your own so we can tell you how bad you suck, then talk shit. The man....right. Call your self the Man-hole cause thats probably where you take it.
Botox
Another one to add to the list...
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Posted: 8/22/2005 1:07:35 PM
Get a serious girlfriend, bring her to all your parties & tell people to quit calling you by your nickname.
As a former sorority chick, I will vouch that this one works. One of the ex's did this & there was actually a vote taken at a chapter meeting & he was asked to break up with me "because I was detracting from his fraternity experience."
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