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Well, thank god college basketball is over because I honestly had about as good a chance of picking a winning bracket as Michael Richards does of giving this year's commencement speech at Morehouse. But now with amateur hoops out of the way it's the perfect time to switch focus to a "professional" sport. A sport that features almost as many half naked oily men as 300. A sport where grown men can openly call each other "brother" and "slapnuts" without fear of persecution. A sport where kissing the boss' bare ass and giving birth to a hand are common place. That's right, we're talking about the sport of "professional" wrestling.
Since this year's Wrestlemania featured one of the worst lineups in pro wrestling history we thought now would be the perfect time to remember some of wrestling's finer points by coming up with our top 50 list of the most interesting moves in wrestling history. Some wrestling moves are more devasting than Drago in Rocky 4, while others seem to involve a complicated ritual of crossing the ring several times, doing some type of outdated dance move, and then attacking the opponent with a blow that couldn't damage Orval Reddenbocker decomposing corpse. So we've broken this list into several categories. Gay-Ass Holds (GAH), Danger Will Robinson (DWR), Dance Fever (TERRIO), Classic Grappling (CG)& More Useless Than Xtra Foreskin(X). Enjoy these clips and feel free to add any of your favorite moves that we omitted in the comments section.
Oh, and if you hate wrestling then be sure to thank Josh Perincheril for requesting that we make this April's Top 50 list. And if you want to know how get as much useless knowledge about wrestling as me start reading the sheets at PWInsider.com.
50. Body Slam (CG) This is considered a pretty basic move these days unless you are performing it against the star of the Princess Bride. No not Billy Crystal. He destroys himself everytime he tries to open his mouth to do comedy. I was talking about the 500 lbs, Andre The Giant.
49. Vicious Boot (DWR) Giving your opponent the big boot to the chest is usually just a way to set up your finisher like the pedigree or the stunner. But without a good finisher to follow it, Sid Vicious thought that he would turn the big boot into his finishing move. Good luck with that Sid or should I say, "break a leg".
48. The Bonzai Drop (X) This move is typically performed by a big man like Rikishi, Bam Bam Bigelow, Tugboat, Earthquake or Avalanche, wait those last two are the same guy and both are dead. Anyway the move rarely ever connects because it involves a really fat guy climbing to the second turnbuckle and then sitting on him. No wrestler was quite as imposing with this move as the late great Yokozuna.
47. Five Knuckle Shuffle (TERRIO) Yo kid, you got fresh ass spinners all up in yo title belt an' shit. Plus you go an' brush yo shoulders off right befo you tell a fool "you can't see me" and den you be droppin' down the fist like you is throwin' dice out on the block an' shit. Throw in that modified cubscout/marine salute and that fact that someone forgot to tell him that he is white and John Cena is almost "over" as a babyface. And by "over" I mean over like those acid washed denim and fleece jackets from the Gap.
46. Cobra Clutch (GAH) If you ever wonder where lame bits like the Masterlock Challenge come from? Well look no further than that square jawed Gomer, Sgt. Slaughter who defends his hold in this clip of the Cobra Clutch Challenge. Does this mean the WWE is a green company since they love to recycle old bits?
Bonus Trivia question In the 80's only 2 real life people were ever made into GI Joe dolls (or action figures for homophobes that are afraid to call a boys Barbie what it is) and both wrestled in what was then called the WWF. Sgt. Slaughter was obviously one of them but can you name the other. Hint: He has the last verse in one of the worst yet most popular music videos of the 80's.
45. Muscle Buster (X) This has got to be the gayest name for a finisher out there. The move is pretty week too. Samoa Joe looks like a bonafied shootfighter for the duration of his matches until he grabs his opponent in this baby cradle and drops him on his back like he is having a pillow fight with a group of girlscouts.
44. Boston Crab (GAH) This move involves turning your opponent over and sitting on their legs while you pull them backwards. Not only is it a decent wrestling move, its also apparently a great way to get those jerks in the pool hall to pay up after you run the table.
43. The People's Elbow (TERRIO) Dwayne "Rocky, The Rock, Mahavia" Johnson may be one of the greatest entertainers to ever step foot in the padded square circle, but I will never forgive this third generation star for Doom or for introducing the wrestling world to pointless finishing moves that cause absolutely no damage and just plain old look silly.
42. The Sleeper (GAH) Most likely given that name because it is the
Posts: 214 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
NYC, NY
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:03:15 AM
Superbly researched. I have to do some actual work, but I will be back to review. You have my favorite clips ever, mostly Mankind shit. My other favorites: Russian leg sweep (X): You fall back with your opponent at the same speed and land on your back just like he did, but your leg is wrapped around his. I knew that I was watching too much wrestling when this move started making sense to me. Superplex (DWR): Unfortunately Cowboy Bob Orton stopped doing this bad ass move and started hitting opponents with a cast that stayed on his arm for 2 years. Now his kid wrestles and won't carry on my favorite move.
Posts: 16 Rank: 123 Joined:
10/21/2005
Location:
Encino, CA
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:07:21 AM
Maybe if Scotty had performed the move from the top of a cage or at least a ladder or something I could have moved the Frankensteiner into the top 10. But barring the Ultimate Warrior coming to my house in a roid rage and forcing me to change my mind, I think the mid thirties is extremely genorous for the white man's hurracanrana.
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/9/2007 12:02:50 PM
i only watched the "camel clutch" video. but i DID read all of your descriptions and they were awesome. except the powerbomb. the powerbomb kicks ass. i powerbombed a kid when i was 12, and he vomitted afterwards. and he wasn't allowed to be my friend anymore. i also powerbombed my next door neighbor's 12 yr old daughter when i was 11. she cried and it was awesome. what a pussy.
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