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fuck you.
I’m really tired of grown ass adults talking about how they love to read the Harry Potter series. Seriously, the books are meant for kids. I don’t care that you think adults can enjoy them too, they’re not for you, just let it go.
Inevitably these freaks corner you with the ever annoying Hogwarts inquisition. I’ll usually try to politely break the news that Harry Potter isn’t really my thing, and hopefully gently deflect the topic. Very rarely does the information that I haven’t read any of the books get a pass. Thus begins the conversation I've had a thousand times:
“Really, you haven't read Harry Potter?! Oh, you should, they’re great.” "Yeah, I've-" "They're not just for kids! You should read one, you'll love it!" “Nah… I don’t think I’d really enjo-“ “That’s what I thought and then I read just one, and now I’m hooked!” “Great, but I’m still not –“ “Just read one, I promise you’ll get into it! You can borrow mine.”
Damn people, back up OFF these n-u-teez - are you getting paid for this? Is this a pyramid scheme? Wait, I get it…this is Scientology, right?
I swear these people are a hair cut and a robe away from crazy. I’m talking matching velcro Nikes’ crazy.
Listen Potter people, I haven’t read the books. I will never read the books. Ever. Understand? Actually, you know what? I don’t think you DO understand me, so let me make it very clear…
I would rather swallow a handful of thumb tacks.
I would rather I eat a used baby diaper.
I would rather forcibly shove a glass thermometer deep into my pee hole and smash it with a hammer.
I would rather I ride a unicycle with a dildo for a seat.
I would rather smear poop on my lips and French kiss my grandfather.
I would sucker punch one of the Crips and try to run away wearing ski boots.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I get invited by Bill and Ted to travel back in time to cut Jesus’ umbilical chord with a lightsaber.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I towel snap Chuck Norris in the locker room at the gym and call him a fag.
I would rather drink a broken glass and tabasco smoothie.
I would rather wipe my ass with steel wool.
I would rather slap an angry Pit-bull on the nose with my bacon-covered penis.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day Mr. T stops pitying fools.
I would rather press my ball bag against a running sand belt.
I would rather raw dog it with a Taiwanese transsexual, hip deep in a dumpster full of whale sperm.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I attend a Wookie bar mitvah.
and you.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I snort heroine off Wilford Brimley’s cock in a bathroom stall at the Viper Room.
I would rather eat a popsicle made of hobo drool.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I dunk on the Pope and knock his hat off.
I would rather slow dance with a pant-less Michael Jackson in a cemetery.
I would rather make balloon animals out of used condoms.
I would rather siphon a septic tank.
I would rather insert a pineapple into my ass.
I would rather ride on the back of a motorcycle with a shirtless man.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I breakdance fight a sasquatch, and lose.
I would rather open mouth kiss a horse.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I have a three way with Rainbow Brite and a Carebear on the back of a unicorn.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I rap battle Skeletor and lose.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I dance battle Optimus Prime for his trailer and win.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I pull a switch blade on E.T. over an argument concerning Brazil’s steadily growing agricultural market, and the impact on U.S. farming economy.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I have a harmonica jam with Bruce Willis.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I get a beej from Smurfette in the bathroom at Castle Greyskull.
I would rather try to stop a lawn mower blade with my tongue.
I would rather wear a catnip suit to a safari.
mostly you.
I would rather fall asleep on an African ant hill wearing taffy underpants.
The day I read Harry Potter is the day I give a deaf unicorn the finger.
When you finally read the fucking book, and you will, you lemming, you'll bat yourself upside the head and go, "God, I'm a fucking putz. Why'd I wait so long?"
I was working in a bookstore when it was first released here in 1998, and I read it for WORK because I was PAID to, and I was RESENTFUL that I had to read it, and wound up loving it.
I had two friends who yammered on about how much I was a dork for talking about a kids' book, and a couple years later, they both read it.
Yes, it's a "kid's" book. And you're entitled to be a stubborn ass, although an entertaining one, of course, but fact is, few books in the last 200 years have had that much appeal -- The Narnia Books, Lord of the Rings, the Dahl Books, and Alice in Wonderland. That is IT. So, because it's "popular," you want to be "cool" and hold out. All right, fine, do that.
But the movies don't do it a bit of fucking justice, never have, and never will. It's an incredibly imaginative alternative reality invented by a writer who's improving with each book she generates. It's the literary Star Wars of our time, and mark my words, it'll survive for at least two, maybe three more generations. It's really that good.
But go ahead. Be a pissy little rebel because you don't want to drink the Kool-Aid. Yeah, it's too bad there are marketing wheels whirring behind it, but if Alice or Dahl or Narnia or LoTR was written in year 2000, and not 50+ years ago, the same shit woulda gone down. Hell, if they ever make that LoTR thingie into a movie, I bet that'll draw a crowd too.
The HP movies suck shit next to the books. There is no world filled with as much imagination as those Potter books. The only things comparable, period, are Dahl and Alice, but the Potter books have more oddities, more ingenuity, as a whole.
But go ahead. Rebel. Just don't think you're a better person for it. If you're happy being stuck entirely in an adult world every single day, then enjoy it, but some of us don't mind feeling a little less stifled every now and then.
I'm not a lemming. I started the fucking trend, and I'm proud to have my first edition of the Philosopher's Stone on my shelf, and my collector's item booksellers-only HP hat, which I wear when writing from time to time.
Still, fun posting. But don't let your pride bite you in the ass when you finally realize you've missed out.
H
Horsey
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Post #: 3
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Posted: 1/13/2006 6:52:06 AM
C'mon Sam...Would you read the books with a fox? How about in a box? In a house? With a mouse? On a train? In the rain?
BQ
scribecalledsteff
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Post #: 4
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Posted: 1/13/2006 8:31:58 AM
Shut the fuck up you babbling bitch.
SupaFly
WTF...
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Post #: 5
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Posted: 1/13/2006 8:37:19 AM
WTF tribe called steff!?!?! I'd have never put one of you Ferry Potter reading losers as a worldly TPP reader. and by the way, I really like your point about when you were working in a bookstore... Justin Wood, More power to you and your Ferry Potter diss..
supa fly
OMG
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Post #: 6
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Posted: 1/13/2006 8:56:12 AM
oh my - i just read that, how harsh... and ferry? i think i meant fairy... wow, i can still taste the vodka -- speaking of vodka -- LOOK AT MY STRIPED SHIRT!
swizzle
scribecalledretard
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Post #: 7
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Posted: 1/13/2006 8:57:20 AM
I'll go ahead and get this out of the way, I've read the books and seen the movies. I even enjoyed them. I could give a fuck less what anyone else thinks. That said, did you mean to come off as an absolute moron?
"Hell, if they ever make that LoTR thingie into a movie, I bet that'll draw a crowd too."
Do you live under a rock? How did you miss those coming out?
And you have a copy of the "Philosopher's Stone" on your bookshelf? Pretty sure it was called The Sorcerer's Stone. Sure that isn't just some shitty fan fiction of yours?
You wear a Harry Potter hat? Seriously.....
wwonka
W
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Post #: 8
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Posted: 1/13/2006 9:08:01 AM
Philosopher's Stone is apparently UK .. yeah I'm bored and looked it up. Apparently in the US we cannot handle Philosopher so they said Sorceror. Anyways, nice article I put these people right up there with the Yu-Gi Oh nutjobs.
Patrick
My Vote
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Post #: 9
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Posted: 1/13/2006 9:23:25 AM
"I would rather slow dance with a pant-less Michael Jackson in a cemetery." So much creepiness in one short sentence.
Swizzle, I think scibecalledsteff was being sarcastic about LOTR being made into a movie.
deuce
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 1/13/2006 9:43:19 AM
the end ties the whole 'list' together.. giving the finger to a deaf unicorn?? absolutely fucking awesome.
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